Essence of DOPE
Posts tagged DC habesha
Munit Minded
452 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
I turned to my King Kong was to make an implicit beef that she spewed in Bole into an explicit doro Noro Noro wot by tagging her on Facebook with a picture::
by Teddy Fikre (in rememberance of Fikremariam Million) written: Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
Before I go King Kong Teddy, I want you to take a minute to read something that I wrote two years ago, a time when my ass was in the blackest hole, a time when I was popping Zoloft and Zanax and praying to God to take me to heaven and rejoin with my Father Fikre. Yet in still, even during my darkest moments, I never stopped believing in HEBRET. Thus, even as HEBRET was inverted and given back to me in the form of TERBEH, I found it in my shit stained glasses to throw flowers at people who refused to embrace me with the same love and dressed me in the netela of hatred and indifference instead. Thus, take a moment to read this article::
Article link here:: LINK
Welcome back. Now, before I get to painting this masterpiece worthy of Picasso, scratch that, before I get to composing this ballad worthy of Mozart and Bach, let me preface this by saying that over 20 people have emailed me and called me begging me not to write this. I know me writing this will alienate me from some of them, including one that is a brother of mine that was my rock in 2009 when I was on the precipice of death. But I have to do this not out of ill will or malice, but because I am tired of carrying the burden of my father and his grandfather before him. I am tired of wearing the legacy of my great great great grandfather Atse Teodros.
These men in my life—the rocks of my existence—were all vanquished before their time. My father passed away from lung cancer but really was murdered by thousands of Habesha assholes who never had his back but snickered at his dreams. My grandfather Million was butchered by Haile Selassie based on unfounded rumors which led to my father growing up a bastard and unloved. Atse Teodros was killed for daring to lift up Ethiopia, betrayed by Yohannes that bastard of northern Ethiopia. Thus, me writing this is payback of historical proportion, it is the ultimate redemption of generations of my ancestors who were felled by hatred and indifference. This is a seed that grew out of bullshit and is now intent on growing into a magnificent oak irrespective of the shit people throw at me.
Preface done, on to the point of this article eko:: You see, that was an article that I wrote about Munit Mesfin. A lady who at the time resided in DC and used to sing in emptied out concert halls and run of the mill restaurants. She was lucky to have more than 10 people attend her shows and had no following other than a couple of hard core Ethiopian music lovers. So when I came up with the concept of Ethiopian Appreication day, I reached out to her. I explained to Munit that this was going to be an unpaid gig because this was a community event. But in return I told her that I would promote her to the heavens and put her on a National’s stage. No, that was not a typo when I said National’s stage, I literally put her on the Washington National’s Baseball Park stage. I put her in a building and gave her center stage in a multi-billion dollar complex.
Imagine that, she went from performing at Kentucky Fried Chicken in obscurity to being plucked out of nothingness and singing on the same stage as Mahmoud Amhed. She literally had Mahmoud Ahmed opening for her. I broke my back and my wallet eating Ramen noodles with mitmita in the process to put this event together. This took a toll on my psyche and my mindset, all in all I “invested” $12,000 in this event so that my community could come out and enjoy a free concert featuring Mahmoud Ahmed and Munit Mesfin and eat free Ethiopian food, free coffee ceremony, and free face painting and moon bounce for the kids (including Munit’s kid). Promoters all over DC always hype their parties by saying “come make history” for some bullshit Johnny Walker party at some local club that they don’t own, we literally made history that day on 09:25:09 with this event—mayor Fenty proclaimed that day a day of Ethiopian pride and holiday as well as the DC council. This was a moment of pride for me and my family even if we financed it by borrowing from my sisters’ children milk money.
It goes without saying that this event was a fund eliminator. I borrowed money from co-workers, friends, and fast cash centers (who charged me 300%) all to ensure that this community event went off as planned. For that, I was called a leba by random Habesha assholes who were pissed that they had to pay for parking and thought we were taking kick backs from it. For that, I was called Woyane by the same assholes that are Woyane themselves; parenthetically, if you take nothing else from this article, please trust me that people who call other people Woyane are Woyane agents. Anyway, I was not too damaged, I survived, it was a certainty that I would be broke for 4 months, but for this event I would have entered into a life time debt without thinking twice of it. I mean, after all, isn’t it better to invest in your community than it is in buna and Yohannes Aramaji—I wish more of you thought like me instead of wasting your money at Starbucks,
But we were in financial straights, in order to pay back people that I borrowed money from, I asked all of the DOPEST promoters to black out one night and to have a collective party for our community and the proceeds would go towards retiring the debt. Dumbass Teddy, I thought these people believed in HEBRET, instead they gave me TERBEH. The whole time while I was putting this event together, the promoters had their own hidden—really explicit—agenda. These were not agents of CHANGE, they were interlopers of their own chump change. Thus, they threw me under the bus, Dj cancelled the day of because I refused to have the party at his club where he would take 50% of the profits. The same Dj called all the Djs in DC and told them not to work with me—thus I had to pay an additional $400 to secure the services of DJ Mamush. The after party was not a party, it was a fiasco. There I was dancing by myself, walking by myself yet again, 10 people at “OUR” party and I lost another $1,000 that night. Thus was born Brown Condor productions because I promised then never to depend on another selfish ass DC promoter who knows nothing of HEBRET.
So two weeks later, I put together an Oktoberfest at Busboys and Poets. This was supposed to retire at least some of the debt we incurred during 09:25:09. Again I reached out to Munit Mesfin and she agreed. Again, I told her this was a non-paid event but that I would promote her to the heavens. Again, she agreed. When the day arrived, I told everyone that they are paying unless they are performing. I made my own sisters and I pay to my own event. Thus, when the concert started, I asked everyone to clear out and pay the $10 cover charge. Little did I know that this little transaction pissed off Munit because I made her husband pay. Thus starts the awakening of a Munit Mind and the hardening of minds that turned a teff Injera into bullshit dirkosh.
It goes without saying that as DOPE as that event was, we lost more money again. Another $700 lost in the name of HEBRET, but in the process I put Munit on yet another big stage and paid out of my own pockets to put her on WKYS and WPGC. I gave her voice an echo chamber and in the process introduced her to hundreds of thousands of DMV residents through the airwaves of WPGC and WKYS. But after 3 successive fiascos and unable to barely pay rent, I descended into hell, I disappeared from the very community I was bleeding and dying for. Thus I pulled a David Chappell, the very same people who were abscent during my trials were now blowing my phone up and emailing me on some TMZ shit wondering where I went.
But gentle giants like Mike Endale, Robel Kassa, my sisters and brother never gave up on me. They fed me when I was hungry; they gave me water when I was thisty. They nourished my body and mind and bought me back from the edge. So my survival is a living testimony not of my resiliency but my dependency of people that love me. Thus I reemerged to take my place on the road of destiny. However, I have a long memory, I am going to pay back all of the people who stained my soul and gnawed at my synapse and snap their backs a thousand times with my thousand words because I refuse to go the way of my father, my grandfather, and Atse Teodros by holding the poison of assholes inside my chegwara. Thus I am spilling it all out for you to see and in the process reveal the true face of hatred and malice that resides in our community.
So what did Munit do to deserve this fate? I won’t go into all the details other than to say that I have a lot of sources in Ethiopia and I know what she has been saying about me behind my back. I am well aware that she has labeled me a leba because I made her husband pay even as she quotes Gandhi and Martin talking about bullshit peace. This is another thing I want you to take away from this, mistrust assholes who quote bibles a lot, they are assholes and when the light is off them they transform into Satan and do the very things they profess to hate. Did you think this whole thing was precipitated only by her simple request for me to stop tagging her on Facebook—do you think I am that petty? The crazy thing is, for the past 4 months, I have been sending her emails and inboxing her on Facebook to clear up this beef. But nothing, so I turned to my King Kong was to make an implicit beef that she spewed in Bole into an explicit doro Noro Noro wot by tagging her on Facebook with a picture.
To that she was indignant, all my efforts on her behalf diminished, not one thank you or praise, instead she raised my house with an indignant “STOP TAGGING ME TEDDY, I AM SERIOUS!” comment. Welcome Munit, you walked into a trap, now you find yourself swarmed by my nouns and verbs, no longer intent on praising you, now it is my turn to raise your house too boo boo. The funny thing is, she spent the whole day yesterday again quoting the bible and Gandhi—remember what I told you about assholes who quote the bible—instead of doing the decent and human thing and just calling me. So you want to send subliminal messages about me on Facebook sis, here is my explicit to you Munit on 1st page of Google.
Alas, an ass by the name of Gabriel Teodros found it in his interest to tap dance on landmines and “defends” Munit by defaming me and questioning my mental stability. Thus, he writes with machismo gusto:
“Wow. Teddy your facebooking tagging (and ego) is out of control. Nobody on facebook tags me on things I have absolutely nothing to do with more then you. I’d love it if you never tagged me on anything again. “Plucked Munit out of obscurity?” you need to get your head checked. Love + respect to Munit Mesfin” ~Gabriel Teodros
Congrats Gabriel, I guess you were Munit’s white night, but nigga you are in the wrong fight. This had nothing to do with you; this was a personal matter between Munit and I which was being discussed in public at her choosing. You should have kept your ferenjiy monkey ass silent, but you chose to go King Kong on Teddy, now you are being pummeled by King Kong nouns. You see, I have beef with you too. You damn near wanted to fight me the night of the Brown Condor launch celebration—yet another money loser—because you came an hour late and then got indignant that I could not put you on the stage. Damn, what is it with this Habesha disease; it is worse than Ebola and swine flu combined. Now inhale Gabriel, take a whiff of this virus, you are now cleansed because what I just gave you is a DOPE dosage called Penicillin. I hope to God that your mind is cleansed from hatred, funny how you quote the four agreements. Again, assholes who quote philosophies while not living by it; the world is full of assholes that have no agreement with Esgyaber but only Lucifer. Gabriel, please do me a favor, change your name to Yohannes, you are soiling the legacy that is Teodros by using my name as your last.
I was about to finish this beef when yet again someone jumps from the top ropes and inserts themselves into this topic, a DC Habesha who is a Governor by claim:
“I would have no problem paying u for service u provide- u just have to wait till I ask for it. And I guess exploiting the name, place of businness and phone number of a woman making an honest day’s living for a shameful plug of your event so you can earn is “honarable” in your book- oh wait, let me guess- she asked u to promote her. Bravo Teddy !!! You are a pillar of our community spreading peace and Hebret. I will never work with anyone who does shit like this- change your ways- and maybe I’ll pitch u projects to get u out of the hole- But since I dont agree with your methods- im watchin u from the sidelines makin a fool of yourself.” ~Nate Tilahun.
The audacity of Nate sends chills up my spine, you thought Obama had audacity, man he has nothing on the audacity of Habeshas. So let me get this right Nate, you promote parties in DC using pictures of Ethiopian women splashed out on your fliers looking like hookers and prostituting our beautiful and historic culture in the process, and you come at me preaching about HEBRET. While I bled away $40,000 investing in my community you were reaping thousands holding parties sponsored by Yohannes Aramaji. On top of it all, you will not work with me until I change my ways? Are you serious? Dude I am the one with the talent, I am the one with the water, you are the one walking aimlessly in the desert. Instead of thanking me for my service and my water, instead you piss at me in the wind and tell me to change my ways or else? This is some cognitive dissonance bullshit; I swear Pavlov’s Labrador would salivate a thousand fold at the tere tsega kitfo that is Habesha mentality. Thanks for your HEBRET Nate, I am blessed in spite of you, I am blessed and wealthy not with money but with friends and family—so go ahead and laugh from the sidelines—the sidelines are made for fools and not for players of consequence like me. Soon enough your chuckles will turn into chortles and you will choke on your own verbs. I will be nice because I actually like you Nate—even if you don’t much like me—and not include your picture here like I did for Munit and Gabriel::
I am done with this bullshit. I have three more names on my list from 2008 and 2009. I will hold their names close to my vest. But let this article be a warning, please keep your tongues to yourselves assholes, because I am Jesus by nature but I can sway to the path of Lucifer when incited and I will blind you with my insight and shake you to the core more than any eskista dancer in Bole could. Parenthetically, the other three people on my list all start with the letter B—I urge you all to B quite or else it will be your asses on the 1st page of Google. I am done with Munit Minded people like Munit, Gabriel, ena Nate, on to doing something positive. I apologize to all of my friends and family who begged me the entire day not to do this—that I would be destroying myself for it. But if I am going to be destroyed, I will do so based on my own accord and will not let the tsebel of malice that other people spill at my forehead from their chalice of Lucifer be my undoing.
Beka beka, aleka, Rest in Peace Fikremariam Million, my Grandfather, and Atse Teodros, you have all raised a fine man in me and all of you were soldiers—I am a jegna too and as you can see I can pierce any asshole who dares crosses swords with me. In my pen is the blood of my forefathers, as long as it bleeds black ink, I shall never be a bastard of Bole. But any bastard in Bole or DC will get this very same treatment, you will be squirted in your eyes with the blood of my ancestors and realize that Fikre can quickly transform and repay you kindly and disproportionately with the same hatred that have destroyed others before me. This is the end of my ode to Habeshas with Munit Minds, time for me to find Ethiopians and Eritreans with enlightened minds to highlight and put on first page of Google. PEACE!
“The habesha mind, it is infected, kindness is repaid with malice, love is rewarded with animosity, charity is reimbursed with indifference. God bless us and remove the curse of self-hatred from my people.” ~Teddy Fikre
[my original shout out to a munit minded dekamah singer by the name of Munit Mesfin and Gabriel Teodros]
[my current shout out to a munit minded dekamah singer by the name of Munit Mesfin and Gabriel Teodros]
[my last shout out to a munit minded dekamah singer by the name of Munit Mesfin and Gabriel Teodros]
[one of the many ways I promoted this worthless singer Munit Mesfin]
[click to see hundreds of pictures from Ethiopians Appreciation Day and Oktoberfest—events that Munit was given a stage to perform]
[click pic to view Munit's profile and tell her Teddy Fikre says selam and to stop quoting the bible and start living it instead]
[click to view Gabriel's profile and follow him on twitter @gabrielteodros and tell him that Teddiye says PEACE]
FEATURE EVENT
[click to RSVP as we honor Kuku Sebsebe at Bati Restaurant & Lounge on Thursday, March 29th at 9PM sharp]
This week, the theme is Kuku Sebsebe as we praise and celebrate her at Bati Lounge and Restaurant, located at 3815 S George Mason Dr, Falls Church, VA 22041. Starting at 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday March 21st, we will dedicate the whole 2 and a half hours to honoring the life and accomplishments of Kuku Sebsebe.
So come out this Thursday, March 29th to Bati Lounge and Restaurant and take part in honoring our Ethiopian icon and our Musika Nigist and in the process listen to the best of his songs, pictures of her from Ethiopia to America while you enjoy ARIF poetry, musika, a LIVE art show and of course the best food in the DMV only at Bati Lounge. Nu eshi, abren des’yelen eko::
[click to see, hear, and soon tasted Bati]
AUTHOR
Teddy Fikre
[click to view profile and follow him on twitter @browncondor]
[click pic to follow us on twitter or follow us @browncondor]
We would love to hear your comments/feedback. Also, share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, or print it and give it to your grandmother. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can do so @browncondor
To get in touch with us, send email to info@browncondor.com
Mea Culpa
073 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Let me shed the fake Teddy and step forward for a minute and apologize profusely to some people I have offended to the enth degree::
by Teddy Fikre written: Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
I sincerely apologize to Habeshoch for using those vile words to describe them. I do not think they are any of those words…
Wey gud Teddisho, did you just cut and paste Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke for calling her a slut? Ante gagama, people are already calling you the Habesha Rush Limbaugh and you are going to make matters worse by actually reinforcing this image by using that asshole’s words verbatim. What the flip is wrong with you, you bleeping idiot! If you are going to apologize do it sincerely, don’t turn this into an occasion to deflect and to trivialize this really betam serious matter eshi:: If you are going to waste time by turning this into a joking matter, do me a favor Teddisho, go borrow Nitro Ethiopian’s lotion and have some fun by yourself. Gebah?
Sigh! OK fine! I hate my inner conscience at times. I guess let me be serious and take the time today to apologize to all the folks I have offended in the past and the ones I am sure I will offend in the future. I hope you know that my attempt to be heard, my attempt to gain your attention, is what at times causes me to cross the line from decent marketing to crass and crude filthy attention grabbing. I at times transform into the most despicable person, shit I won’t lie I have a hard time differentiating myself from Rush Limbaugh at times. Maybe it is because I listened to him for the majority of my formative years when my father Fikre (RIP) was alive and used to be cabbie. You see, my dad was an ardent Republican and used to listen to Rush all the time. I hated Republicans and Rush Limbaugh even more, but maybe through osmotic forces I picked up on Rush’s shtick.
This is not to say that my actions are excusable. To be honest, I know perfectly well what I am doing. I know that I grab headlines when I use inflammatory language and call Habesha people niggers, call women that disparage me cunts and bitches, and call dudes that offend me fuckers and dicks. But through it all, just know that these inflammatory words are not the essence of me. My father Fikre and my mother Sara raised a young man that loves Ethiopia loves more than my own life, respects and reveres women, and I abhor black on black violence more than I hate Rush Limbaugh. To be honest, the real me—not the radio or brown condor personality—is the complete opposite of what I portend to be through the ether. The real me is shy, the real me is insecure, the real me is an introvert, the real me is timid of approaching women and saying “hi my name is Teddy”. So I created a persona—this Brown Condor fella—to make up for my deficits. This fake person is not shy but arrogant, this counterfeit Teddy is secure as Fort Knox, the bogus Teddisho calls Ethiopian women “yene medosha Foreheadiye” so that I am not intimidated by their amazing and earth shattering aura.
So let me shed the fake Teddy and step forward for a minute and apologize profusely to some people I have offended to the enth degree. I would like to think that I came up with this idea by myself, but really last night, a DOPE angel—one that ensures that I never fly SOLO—whispered a word of advice to me, thus today I find myself being authentic and typing these words in order to recoup some of my lost soul trying to capture fame and material gain. With that said, here is my apology to a couple of folks—in no particular order—and I hope you take my apology to heart because it comes from my heart.
First, let me apologize to the fella I almost got into a fight with last week at Portico. I called you a bastard son of Meles for trying to fight me last Friday. I did not get the full story, come to find out—after talking to my brother Malik—that you did what you did to defend the honor of your sister who I called “Yene Big Foreheadiye” in my kilijoch ways. Your sister laughed it off, and I did not know that she was your sister to begin with. But I found out that her laughter was that of embarrassment and that you were doing your brotherly duty to defend her honor. Beyond that, I am an asshole for calling you a bastard child; you see my father grew up without a father and as a consequence he cried his whole life for it. I too now am a bastard—because I lost my father ten years ago. So I know what it feels like to be without a father for I too now cry whenever I see a boy hug his father. Thus, I apologize dearly and clearly for offending you so. In my rush to get the last arat netib, I might have crushed your spirits and for htat I am eternally sorry. Next time I see you—I don’t even know your name—I owe you and your sister a heartfelt apology and owe you a drink at Portico. Yikirta wendem::
My next apology is to Donna Haile from Australia. I called you a cunt and a whore for daring to call me a loser out of the blue. You were offended that I called Habeshas nigger and I took that to mean that you were one of those elitist Ethiopians who don’t consider Ethiopians to be black. But that was my assumption; that was my own projection. Maybe in my own way I don’t consider myself black and hate the fact that I am as dark as I am. Maybe that is why I fight so hard for black unity because in my insides I am disjointed as all out. So you touched one of my nerves even if that was not your intent and for that I blasted you throughout the ether. Maybe you are offended by the word Nigger and did mean to convey that Ethiopians are not black. Whatever your motives were, I apologize for the mean shit that I said. Yikirta Donna::
My next apology is to Meron Jacobs aka MK_forty7 on twitter. You also caught my wrath for daring to call me a stalker even after I wrote a glowing article about you eko::. So, after you defriended me on Facebook and blasted me on twitter, well I sharpened my knife, went back into the article I wrote prior praising you, and changed up the article to a sick and demented on that referred to you in nasty ways. I have deleted the full article and will let peace be peace. Only you know why you said what you said, maybe you have been a victim of stalkers before and took the bouquet that I threw your way as a sign and symbol of future stalkers. Maybe some truly horrific things have happened to you caused by malicious dudes who only see you for your outer beauty. You don’t have any way if I could be one of those dudes so you became defensive and kept me at bay. I saw that as a sign of being ungrateful and as a sign of a “bitch”. But you have your reasons for what you did and it did not call for me to go all King Kong on you. So for that I apologize. Yikrita Meron::
Lastly, I want to apologize to Al Amoudi and Meles Zenawi….SIKE! Yeah right, let’s not go that far with it. If I am going to proffer an apology to these two asses, it will be to apologize to Al for being an Arab boot licker and Meles for being a tribalistic asshole that is destroying Ethiopia. I am sorry on behalf of all Ethiopians worldwide for these two fucks—one pig and one monkey—for smiting Ethiopia with their virus and for destroying hope one tribe and ethnic group at a time. Yikirta Ethiopia::
Anyway, going forward, I am sure that I will offend again in the future. Like I said, I am not perfect; I am flawed—I have a God side to me and a dark side as well to my soul. I pray every day for God to redeem me, but at times my own people take me over the edge by a perceived slight or some wayward ways and I revert to King Kong and go ape shit all over them. But just know that through it all is a little boy who was never accepted by anyone in Ethiopia or America—a young boy who subsequently grew up with a chip the size of Bole on his shoulders. A young boy who wanted others to celebrate his birthday in high school and who hated to spend lunch time by himself in the bathroom stall. A young boy who misses his mother and a young boy who cries over his dead father. A young boy who misses Ethiopia to the core and has not been back to the country of his birth in over 30 years. So when I lash out the way I do, just know it is not without reason even if there is no rhyme and reason for my outlandish and childish ways. I just hope that you—my community and my friends—stand with me long enough to let me work my shit out even as I do it in public on Facebook and Twitter.
Lastly, know one thing, if I do revert to my King Kong methods here and there; just know that you never have to read between the lines to arrive at the target of my odious words. Like when I wrote about the incident in Portico and the subsequent issues I had with electricity off Georgia Ave for National Eskista Day, not once were my words aimed at DC Habesha crew, not once was I aiming to denounce Malik, Desta, Teff, Dawit or Solo nor was I implicitly or explicitly taking aim at promoters in DC for not supporting me. In their own ways, they support me even if it is not in public. I talk to all of them on a daily basis, shit I go to Portico and get a drink on the house more than I can count. IF I have issues with them, I talk to them directly about it.
I do not talk about any of my friends, and yes they are my friends—Desta, Malik, Teff, Solo, Dawit, Yodit, Nate, Neb, Meron, Yohannes, Yosef, etc—and I don’t make it a point to abuse them on www.browncondor.com. That website is reserved for assholes like Meles and Al Amoudi and even then 95% of the time the things I write on there are meto gena positive. I am not aiming to be the new TMZ or Rush Limbaugh, Ethiopia is full of talking heads that do nothing to advance the community other than to sip buna and to talk bullshit. My purpose in my life is to unite Ethiopians and to get our culture and customs celebrated by the whole world. I am making progress towards that goal, I just need to focus more on the positive, shield my eyes from the negative, deal with my childhood issues like all of us should, remain confident in my God given abilities, and always be humble enough to say Yikirta. Mea Culpa Ethiopia I hope you forgive me always. Peace::
“Among the reasons people keep sad stories to themselves is that they do not want anyone to feel sorry for them. I don’t. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.” ~Judith Moore
[this is my apology to all I have offended in the past—YIKIRTA]
[click to see why I fight so hard even if the way I try so hard is at times back assward]
Muse
[King Solomon]
“A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” ~King Solomon
Feature Business
[click to see my favorite sheesha joint in DC operated by DC Habesha]
[click to see Talk of DC crew]
[click to view Liv and Liv a little]
[click to see Babylon and stop Babbling On 
]
Author
Teddy Fikre
[click to view profile]
[click pic to follow us on twitter or follow us @browncondor]
We would love to hear your comments/feedback. Also, share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, or print it and give it to your grandmother. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can do so @browncondor
To get in touch with us, send email to info@browncondor.com
Stale Injera
0102 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Peace to my people, peace to Habesha and Portico, and always remember beteseboch, question authority or you will die from their tyranny.
by Teddy Fikre written: Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
Alright, time for me to pop my collars yet endegena in Hurricane Habesha and look straight in her kool lined eyes and give her a kiss from Teddisho:: No on the real, I am about to go meto gena all in again, I am reloading my shot gun, redoubling my efforts and about to give z Habesha community an arsenic laced gursha:: Ahun ahhhhh belew sewoch, here comes the first taste—I am sorry if my words will cause you to get a collective indigestion. But you will thank me later on when you realize just how DOPE this article is and through my words how I am about to expose some Habesha leboch in the process.
Now, I know your first thought—what is it this time Teddisho, what has you on a tire tsega beef endegena mozaza? Well let me tell it this way beteseboch, at zis exact moment there is a revolution going on in my stomach and I’ve been popping Tums by the dozens! I have gone to the bathroom 10 times in the past hour. Shit, this article took 8 hours to write interrupted by continuous runs while running to the bathroom. I am all Abebe Bekile with it, I am more faster than a cheetah and a Kenyan combined. To be honest, my qit is on fire and my heart is an inferno. WTL (What the Lebdeh), seriously lemot new eko::
So what was my sin that I committed, what is it that I have done that has me running faster than a cheetah and a Kenyan combined? What have I partaken in that has me partaking in pain and agony? From whose cup did I drink that has me popping Tums by the dozens? Was it because I drank copious mimosas at Double Tree with two DOPE ladies? Was it the buna and buna and buna by the dozens at Starbucks? Was it the atmit I drank or the fact that I woke up with a condom on my nose with a hangover. Do tell do tell Teddisho, get to the damn WTL point!
Fine, let me run to the bathroom first…
OK, I’m back, did you miss me while I was gone? Anyway back to the topic while I’m over here chewing the 20th Tums of the hour. You see, yesterday I had some Injera. I had tibs, timatim, all that shit; I had gurshas for days and shared it with DOPE friends. It was simply amazing, my taste buds had a party and I was overdosing on dulet. Damn it; do let me tell the rest of the story. I ate sooooo much Injera that my insides were transforming to Teff. I was Tefftafa Teddy, a tebtaba Habesha. I ate so much kitfo my spleen started to morph into mitmita
Now do you see z picture. Man I ate so much Injera and gursha that today I woke up with a hangover of wot and shinkurt. Now, I know what you will say next. What the fuck nigga, why are you complaining when you are the one who did the overdosing on Injera. Degmo, why are you putting Ethiopian culture once again on blast you aheya! Yeah I know I know, this is what I do. I told you, I stay popping my collars in Hurricane Habesha and keep tap dancing in mine riddled fields. I am all Fred Astaire to when I do eskista, one day that land mine will blow off my leg, but to this point I still have hulet egroch.
Seriously, here is my tire tsega beef. Habesha Injera makers in America are full of shit. Now I don’t know all the facts, but here is what I have been told. Most Injera makers use processed shit, they put Coke and beera in the Injera to maximize their profits. They get away with it because Ethiopian sewoch are gullible and don’t speak up even as they consume shit that is killing them by the dozens and giving young Ethiopians diabetes and cancer.
Seriously, our lack of consumer awareness comes with a lethal price. By ignoring this shit, by not reading labels and by taking Injera makers at their words, we are literally committing a collective genocide. Shit, if the Italians only knew of this pernicious fact, they would have been giving away free Injera from DC instead of bombing my forefathers with mustard gas. Wey gud, we are fools for shit; we keep eating gursha after gursha, then pop Tums the next day after by the dozens while running to z bathrooms. Go on go on Abebe Bekile, soon enough you will return back to Ethiopian restaurants forgetting the 2 days of torture and heartburn.
I know one thing, if this was white folks, shit would be different. While folk are different, it takes only one indigestion for them to sue the qit off an Injera qitam:: They would call the FDA, the FAA, the FSA or whatever other acronym you want to use and occupy 9th St until they accomplish their mission. This is why you don’t mess with white folk, you try that shit, sell Injera with beera and Coke and see how long your survive sewoch. But Habesha, wey gud Habesha, we are fools by the dozens, sell us anything as long as it looks dark and has holes in it. Thus, one gursha after the other, while we keep eating, we let cheap ass Injera makers point their guns at our collective chinkila::
Anyway, I am done venting. I have to go to z bathroom yet again and run to stall number 2. It is my hope that these words reach you in peace. It is my hope that my article does not offend you but instead inspires you to question Habesah leboch. It is my hope that when you see me on 9th St NW later on, you will not run over me with your Ethiopian cab—especially if you are the cabbie with a Masters from Harvard. Peace to my people, peace to Habesha and Portico, and always remember beteseboch, question authority or you will die from their tyranny. Enjoy my gursha, ene bekan, selam and Semata::
“A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.” ~Aesop
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Habesha Mailbag
3106 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 2.0
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 3rd, 2012
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
Alright sewoch, endet nachew? Melkam Arb, Happy Friday, I bet you are ready to get the weekend popping after a long week of working. I feel you boo boos (yeah I know that is a bit feminine, but I am making it masculine). Anyway, it’s that time of the week where I interact with my readers and see what we come up with together. I am sure to laugh my Qit off while reading their questions and comments and then laugh my Qit off again while responding—what can I say, I know how to make myself laugh.
Now before we get to the emails. Since this is an article inspired by Bill Simmons, let me take a quick attempt to be a sports pundit. My prediction for the Super Bowl is that the little blue giants (aka the New York Viagra) will lose to the New England Patriots. Final score Patriots 45 Giants 21. Take that to the bank; know how I know, because the New York Viagra are lame, more vagina than anything else. (side note, I know I will lose most of New York from Brown Condor servers, but damn Giants fans, you are New Yorkers, stop being sissy and getting mad at me teasing you boo boos (now that time that did sound feminine).
Now on to the readers, buckle your Brown Condor seatbelts sewoch, the ride is about to get a bit bumpy.
Q: So Teddy, I read about your attempt to help Ray. If it’s a true story, it’s touching. But I have questions and since this is a public page (and some of your recent attacks are directed at Ethiopians as a whole), I felt entitled to put them forward. Here they go: why do you feel so entitled to people’s attention? Do you subscribe to consequentialism (a moral theory) by any chance? Even then…I don’t see a consequentialist who is serious about getting people into charity resorting to your kind of “tactics”. So what’s the deal here…why do you think people should drop everything else and follow your lead? What makes your charity different from the million others out there? You certainly aren’t the first to write about the plight of homeless people; and I am not trying to insult your intelligence by telling you that…it’s just a reminder. And how much do we really know about the personal lives of people we accuse of not caring because they don’t donate to our charities? What about the possibility…even the slightest one…that some may already have other charity commitments? In short, by what authority to do you lash out at people? – Mercy Melesse, Northridge California
BC: Well the story of Ray is 100% true, one thing I do not do is make up stories for publicity. To be honest, most of the things that I do for less fortunate people I rarely publicize. The acts that I take are between the less fortunate, me, and God. Yesterday was the exception because I was foolish enough to believe that I could galvanize other Ethiopians to help out less fortunate folk. I know, I should have played the lotto, getting Ethiopians to believe in Hebret is like getting a horse to drink water. I learned that lesson the hard way when only one person responded to my pleadings to help out homeless people. Now, I am not saying that there are not other kind folk like me who help out less fortunate folk—lord knows there are thousands who do and don’t Facebook about it. However, for the most part, people on Facebook are on some bullshit. They all responded when I posted a picture of an almost white chic transposed over an Ethiopian flag with a corresponding title of Ethiopian Thongs Day and called me all kinds of names. You were one of those responders, but I wonder, instead of debating me for hours on Facebook, why not instead help out the homeless by giving them hope. I have no authority to lash out at anyone; I was just doing my part, ironic though ehete, you are lashing out at me for supposedly lashing out at others. A bit oxymoronic where you stand isn’t it bilicho. Anyway, I am done, you can do what you want to, you can keep debating me on Facebook, or you can actually help someone out who needs it the most. You choose, now back to the mailbag, this is supposed to be funny not an argument with a troll Habesha from California.
Q: Brown Condor, question, condoms or raw dog? –Mimi, Houston, Texas
BC: Bes’ma’am! Ende, how did we go from someone calling me a weshetam to now getting an email about sex advice? Hmmmm…well I have been admonished not to hit on my followers because it is betam unprofessional and it will destroy my credibility. Thus let me answer this question professionally. I am 37 years old and I have no kids, this is not because I believe in the touching my forehead, heart, and shoulders and praying to God as I employ the pull out before too late method. No, I always strap up and I encourage all other dudes to do the same or else you will either have unwanted children with an unwanted woman or end up meeting your death with that bitch named HIV. Ummm Mimi, now how about you fly to Washington DC and next week we can talk about my magnum condoms while drinking Yohannes Aramaji at Portico with the DC Habesha crew. (I tried but damn it, when a woman asks Teddisho about condoms, well I have to respond by saying “Hi, I’m Teddisho”)
Q: Teddy once the revolution comes you will find yourself worthy of being hanged next to Melese at Meskel square. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Nitro you sir are betam amusing to me. I wonder how old you are eko: Seriously, you are probably one of two things: 1) a 17 year old boy who has 40 pimples and is still a virgin or B) a 45 year old man who lives with his mother in London and your only two girlfriends are your right hand and a lotion. Anyway, I plan on going to Addis soon, and Meskel Square will be next to Fikre Avenue in due time. Anyway, I’ve had enough of your “Nitro” you noxious Habesha, on to other readers, put the lotion away you early ejaculator.
Q: Teddy, what are your thoughts about Habesha DJs? Who are your favorite DJs and do you agree that DJ Armageddon is the best DJ in DC? -Helen, Washington DC
Well this one should be an interesting conversation. My three favorite DJs in DC are DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi. All three are amazing with their versalitity. I think DJing is a very underappreciated art and definitely undervalued. DJs, compared to singers and other performers, make chump change. But without a DJ, parties, concerts, clubs would be #DEAD. They should be making thousands upon thousands of dollars, but most make less than $500 for each event. Not bad for one day’s work, but when you consider how much money clubs make from alcohol—most of the time raking in over $100,000 a night of alcoholics, $500 doesn’t seem just. But it’s cool, when I have my Brown Condor party soon enough, I will give my DJs 30% of all proceeds—including alcohol money. So DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi, get ready to be peeeezaid my niggas! Oh as far as DJ Armageddon, let’s just say the only time I would EVER let Yosef DJ at my Brown Condor Party will be when the Armageddon finally arrives. Even then, I would rather let a 2 cent Disk Jockey DJ for me. I have a long memory of 09.25.09, I forgive at times but never forget. So no, DJ Armaggedon does not belong on my top 1,000,000,000 DJ list Helen. Now, join me tonight at Portico and let’s get down and get up while smoking sheesha. You down? (Teddisho, what the fuck is up with you dedem, stop flirting with your readers aheya before I give you a kurkuma! Yikirta Helen, inbox me eshi:: PS DJ Teddisho is DOPE as hell by the way, you can hear him every day on BC Radio, click play on Ustream screen above to hear DJ Teddisho::
Q: TPLF qemalams are occupiers just like their ancestors the Italians! –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: You again bilicho, I see you ejaculate once every 2 minutes leka. Please wendem, put down z Neiva and go take a cold shower. Wuy gud, ehe tota will not leave me alone. Maybe write about this troll asshole Monday and call it Nitro Troll Assholes. Let me ponder this.
Q: Shall we call you the Facebook version of Jesus hahahaha – Dani Exodus, Chicago Illinois
BC: Oh God, Dani Exodus, for you I feel betam sorry. You see Dani has decided to embark on a mission to get the heart of this DOPE big foreheadiye named Hana Able. But what he does not know is that Hana is a heart breaker. Yours truly knows first-hand; Hanicho had me baking her homemade Tiramisu for her birthday. I spent the whole day on it, 10 hours of baking, and it was the most amazing cake ever. Then I dropped it off, then *cricket cricket*. No phone calls from Hanicho, no text messages, Hanicho boo boo went ghost and had me crying in dark lit corners. Sigh, these Ethiopian women are the death of me betam. Zis is not fair, why could I not be attracted to Japanese women, they are all submissive and bowing down to their men. Ethiopian women do not submit, they just do Guraginya dance and eskista on our hearts. Sigh, time for Yohannes Arimaji to drown away my sadness. Now as far as you Danicho bilicho, you are about to be in a world of hurt broham. I tried to warn you many many many times eko:: But go ahead, do you boo boo (yes this one mos def sounded feminine). You will soon be drinking Yohannes Arimaji with me at Portico drowning away your sadness. Don’t say I did not warn you, I will give you a Brown Condor napkin (my business card) you can clear up your eyes and your snot on my business card neftam::
Q: You are rotting yourself in decadence, better if u knew nothing than have this to contaminate your country ladies with, STOP ayamribihim, and return to your elitism, and do campaigning for Obama or somebody else, that is better -Yetemare Adam Gedelegne, Location, Unknown
BC: Let me guess, you are Nitro Ethiopian’s butt buddy, his Qit Wendem? Jeesh, what is it about Habeshoch in England? Is it the smog, the chips, or Ruppert Murdoch that turns nice Ethiopians into asshole trolls? Ummm Yetemare, put down the lotion, take out Nitro’s dick from your mouth, and go learn some seneserat manners bilicho:: How do you like those elite apples negro?
Q: Every time I eat Injera, my stomach goes into a revolution. Seriously, I get heart burn, I throw up sometimes, and when I poop, my kit turns to fire. Men laderg Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Boston Massachusetts
BC: Oh man, anonymous, I feel the same way broham or sistren. Every flipping time I eat Injera, a Tea Party revolution goes on inside my stomach and then an inferno after that. I don’t know what it is that turns a hopeful gursha into a miserable digestion. I have popped more Pepto Bismol than Whitney has popped Xanax. I think I know the reason though, I think some of the Injera makers in America are on some bullshit. They use beer and Coca Cola in the Injera batter to make it look darker so they could make more money. I wish someone would write an article about this issue! Ding! Idea popped in to my head. Actually, I was going to write about this yesterday until I got distracted by Ray and the Ethiopian Thongs Day King Kong tactics. Maybe next week, but until then, I will try to avoid Injera this weekend (bullshit Teddisho, you know you are going to be eating tibs at Habesha after Portico, don’t fool yourself and your readers ante molkaka::
Q: YEGOBEZIN WODAJ GOBEZ AYNEKATIM YETATAKIN WODAJ TATTAKI AYNEKATIM YEMENDER AWIDELDAY BIYAGEGN AYELEQATIM! –Atse Tewodros II, Washington, DC
BC: I have no idea what you just said you all caps asshole troll but I know it was something pernicious. Whatever it is Qitam, go outside and take a breath and ummmm yeah put down that lotion boo boo.
Q: There isn’t any “real” shit you could possibly post that could make me bat an eye. I have seen it all and heard it all. I’m not going to apologize because this is still a sick idea for a joke. I support your cause and i sympathize with all the people suffering in this world for various reasons. My question is, what did u expect? A cookie? A person who does good things or attempts to do good things in this world doesn’t do it for the glory. They do it for the cause and the solution they could potentially offer. In all honesty, this was a pathetic attempt to get people’s attention. I think YOU should apologize to have to go as far as to degrade your own women to get people’s attention. If you want to have a serious conversation about homeless people, just say so. Don’t go looking for a pathetic excuse such as getting females to show their thongs. Try to educate people by posting about real things; if people want to respond that’s their business, if they don’t then that’s still their business. All you can do is attempt to educate people about the many fucked up things that go on in this world and try to come up with a solution. You went as far as insulting and offending Ethiopian females such as me. For what? To make everyone else look like an ass. You, my friend, just made an ass out of yourself. Like I said before, I didn’t judge you. I don’t even know you. Honestly though, how many people did u miseducate with this ignorant post? Think about it. Niggas who saw this shit will probably walk around tomorrow talking bout “hey girl, lemme see your thong! Don’t you know its Ethiopian thong day???” You did more damage than good. BTW, I checked out the website and like I said I support your cause, BUT i don’t support your tactics. –Sam My, Maryland
BC: I understand your plight Sam My. But just know, I have been at this, trying to get Ethiopians to galvanize for a bigger goal since 2008. I have tried all others seriously, remember Ethiopians for Obama. I tried the non King Kong tactics back then, I traveled to 7 states trying diplomacy and that shit got me nowhere. If I was trying King Kong tactics back then, man I would have been 40 times more successful. This is an education I learned from miseducated Ethiopians, most only pay attention to two things: 1) rumors and innuendo 2) sex. So I adapted to get my message out. I know one thing though, if memory serves me correctly, you did not respond when I first tagged you with the picture of just the homeless man asking you to donate to Ray. You only responded when I tagged on you on that raunchy picture labeled Ethiopian Thongs Holiday. You paid no attention to kind gestures, but I became all King Kong with it, you responded right away. Isn’t that an indictment on you ehete? Doesn’t that say more about your indifference? Why blame the messenger when the message is the thing that got your attention bilicho:: As far as the Ethiopian Thongs Day, just know that was a grimy tactic, I wish other ways could get the attention of Habeshoch. Just know, I love love love Ethiopian women and respect them as Queen of Queens. I was raised by three mothers, my mother and my two sisters. I might tease a lot and call you yene big foreheadiye, but in my heart there is nothing that can take the place of an Ethiopian woman. I would take a bullet for you Sam My, even as you shoot bullets at me. Now beka, no more warring mozaza, let’s have a great weekend, let’s go do eskista, meet me at Portico, I will have a warm seat waiting for you, inbox me eshi (any gegama, what the hell, can you please stop flirting with your readers, it is betam unprofessional negro, beka here comes your kurkuma) *WHAP* OUCH…
Q: Ellal is a Weyane Qemalam with a sprinkle of Islamic fundamentalism on top. He will have you kidnapped and beheaded. You have been warned Mr. Teddy. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: My God nitro, three nuts in 20 minutes, you have killed more Ethiopian kids than Dr. Kevorkian. Really wendem, put down z lotion, can you and Yetemare please stop playing Brokeback Mountain Cowboys, and please, quit me already. I am getting tired of your dekama duket words, please go away boo boos, go fly a kite, go eat doro, go to Bole and skip rope, do anything, but please leave Brown Condor alone. Jesus beJesus! Bekan!
Q: My boyfriend wants me to do a 69 with him, but I prefer only an 88, I don’t go down, I just prefer missionary. What should I do Brown Condor? –Konjit, Toronto, Canada
BC: How about you call me and I can be your math instructor inbox me eshi molkaka (ok ok I will stop flirting I promise Teddisho, this is my last time, kahun behwala, professional becha yene hode:: I pinkie promise!
Q: I ran out of Neiva Lotion, what should I do not Brown Condor. Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Not answering this Brokeback Mountain Habesha
Q: My girlfriend thinks that I am really small, but I measured myself and I’m 8 centimeters long, I thought 8 centimeters was the average size Brown Condor. –Tinisih Wee Wee, Atlanta, Georgia
BC: Getting close…
Q: I know this girl who is always doing Guraginya at Starbucks but she denies she is Ethiopian. But she has a big forehead, she smells like shinkurt, and her eyes are as big as Stonehenge. How can I prove that she is Ethiopian? -Mastewal, Maryland
BC: Getting closer…
Q: I am 46 years old and have gone through 40 containers of Nivea lotion in the past three days and I am addicted to online porn. Help Brown Condor, how can I get a real girlfriend? -Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Yup, these are my readers.
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 3.0. Degmo, Nitro Ethiopians, put down the lotion and log off z intertubes ahun before I give you a kurkuma, beka enough porn for you for the day. Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Habesha Mailbag
0113 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome to the Inaugural Habesha Mailbag
I am launching the Habesha Mailbag with the help of a few friends who lent me their time and creativity to come up with some questions, enjoy the gursha sewoch.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 27th, 2012
Well the moment has come for the launching of the inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Yes, I have changed with the time, I still don’t like the word Habesha, I prefer to be called Ethiopian. However, the word is not going anywhere, and if it serves as a bridge for Ethiopians and Eritreans to identify with a common name—well who am I to hold a grudge? So going forward, I shall call this the Habesha Mailbag.
So you ask, what is Habesha Mailbag. Well it was influenced by one of the writers I idolize by the name of Bill Simmons. On a weekly basis, Bill would take questions and comments from his readers and then reply back with a wit and humor that would make me literally make me laugh my Qit off as I was reading the article. Grant it, trying to emulate Bill Simmons is a tall order—after all, Bill was a writer for multiple late night comedy shows. But hey, I am if nothing audacious.
So I started reaching out to Brown Condor readers and asked them to submit their questions and comments to me via email. Ideally, I wanted 10 questions for the inaugural Habesha Mailbag, to my surprise I received over 45 emails. So I picked out the 10 best from the submissions and below is the back and forth between the readers and my responses. I hope you enjoy, if this is successful, I plan on making this a weekly feature every Friday. Make sure you submit your questions in the future; when you do, avoid having a one line question. Make the question or comment juicy, apply a bit of your personality to it so that the readers can get a sense of who you are as a reader and an Ethiopian/Eritrean out in the Diaspora.
Before getting on to the questions and answers, let me do one thing. Bill is a sports journalist; as such he would always focus on sports first and foremost. I will not necessarily follow this model, but in his honor, let me make one comment about sports. You do know they call the giants little blue right, as in Viagra pills, most of their fans are kind of lame. I say that as a precursor to my Super Bowl prediction, which is that the Patriots will beat the wholly crap out of the little blue giants. My prediction: Patriots 38 Giants 10. Oh, and if you want to talk trash, just remember that my Redskins beat the shit out of the little blue giants twice this year. OK, on to the readers!
Q: Hi, I’m a 27 year old Ethiopian living in Washington DC. I have noticed that the selection of Ethiopian and Eritrean men is really weak in DC. Most of them have no game and if they do, they like to think they are all players. And what is it with them calling every Ethiopian girl nefse and hode? I’m really tired of it to be honest, I’m thinking of dating white guys or Spanish guys. What is your advice Brown Condor? -Mimi, Silver Spring
BC: First Mimi, I want to thank you for being the first reader to ever submit your question to Habesha Mailbag. You will be getting your bottle of Atmit and bag of qwanta in the mail shortly eshi. Second, as far as you being frustrated, I have 3 words for you: Hi, I’m Teddy! You have my email, let’s discuss your plight over wine. Now as far as you dating white guys or Spanish guys, just be ready, because I have a feeling most of them have a lot in common with little giants fans (refer above). What I find interesting though is that you did not think of dating black guys? Maybe it is true what black guys always gripe to me about, that Ethiopian women don’t like to be with black guys. I will have to do some more research about this. But for the time being, leave the black guys, Spanish guys, and white guys alone eshi ehete, we will talk your issue over wine tonight at Portico eshi yene big forheadiye.
Q: TOP favorite books (3) –Ellal, Philadelphia
BC: Now this is a classic example of what a question should not look like. Ellal wendem, you see how Mimi’s question was detailed and she lets the reader get an insight into her life and her situation. O_o…you are not part of the Ethiopian dudes that Mimi is talking about are you? Are you the reason that Mimitu is about to date Ricky Ricardo?? MTS! Wuy gud! You and I will have a sit down later. But to answer your question, my three favorite books are, in no particular order: 1) Malcolm X 2) Invisible Man and 3) Assata. However, it is really hard to narrow it down to just those three. I mean I could list another 50 easy. Mostly I love reading about African-American history, especially dealing with struggles for freedom and liberation. However, I have been reading a lot more Ethiopian books lately. I’m currently reading the History of Haile Selassie at this moment along with Assata for the third time.
Q: Can all the DMV promoters make one big habesha event instead of separate parties for a weekend so every habesha can come to one location that would be dope? -Anonymous, Philadelphia
BC: Escuse me, I just spit my coffee on my laptopiye at the thought of that happening. Put it this way, do you think that Mitt Romney and Gingrich will hold hands with Obama and sing kumbaya? This ain’t gonna happen captain! I love all the DC promoters, and honestly speaking, I talked to the DC Habesha crew last night at Portico for a long time. Promoting ain’t easy, and it’s a dog eat dog world. I wish there was a place for Hebret in the scene, but it’s just too cut throat to think that all the DC promoters will sacrifice one night to have a party together. Each night is a potential to lose your clientele for good and there is no incentive. Besides, I blame us—the clients—we don’t care about Hebret so why should we expect the promoters to care about Hebret. Na’mean?! All we care about is how sexy the girls look and how strong the Yohannes Aramaji is. So no bro ham, this ain’t happening, better play the lotto instead—and if you win, I want 10% eshi anonymous.
Q: Two friends of mine were having a heated debate about why Habeshas look the way we do…one argued its simply bc we’re “blessed” however the other side argued its bc of migration and added historical facts to back up his argument. Why do some Habeshas look Indian or Asian….why do some have soft curly/wavy hair while others have kinky/coarse…and although we all look different we still look Habesha…What’s your take on this? –Megdi, VA
BC: To be honest, I am not sure why we have such big foreheads and big eyes. Here is my DOPE theory, our ancestors used to play futbol (soccer) before soccer was invented in the West, and we used to be the best testa (header) takers. So over centuries, we developed big foreheads in order to protect our chinkila and in order to score more goals. As for the big eyes, I think it is because we used to play soccer at night time, thus our eyes got really big so that we would be able to see the ball and stop running into the goal posts (two shirts always 5 feet apart). I’m still doing some field research on this issue to make sure I have it right, but I am meto gena certain that my DOPE theory is correct. Oh right, forgot you said why we look Asian? Now on that one I don’t know, I spent too much time focused on the big forehead and eyes theory and have not done field research yet on why we look Indian. I gather it is because we were part Cush, and India a long time ago used to be part of Africa. Thus, a lot of Ethiopians, Eritreans, Sudanese, Somali and Djebouti people have certain similar traits. Now what I really want to know is how the heck did the women in America get such big booties!! Good gawd! I am looking for some research assistants to figure this one out Megdi, would you be interested in volunteering for this DOPE study. Don’t worry, you will be in good hands sis, besides you are doing this for Ethiopia not me eko:: Eshi, we will discuss over wine the day after I am done consoling Mimiye eshi.
Q: What makes someone a HABESHA?!!! – Asia, Jobe
BC: Sigh! You have been talking to Ellal aydel Asia? See this sewoch, this is another example of how the emails should not look like in the future eshi:: Asia, ehete, next time, please put some life into the questions. You know, like Mimi and Megdi did. But to answer your question, hmmmm, lets see. We are always 3 hours late, we eat too much tire tsega, we never drink Gingerale and Coke unless it came directly from the can or bottle (we don’t do the soda dispenser EVER!). We also swear that Baklava was invented by Ethiopians, all our fathers and uncles drive Taxis, we eat dirkosh and Injera by itself. We like to do eskista competition as if we were extras in Michael Jackson “Beat It” video. Our women swear they are 25 when they are 35+, the guys swear they aer 5’11.5” when they are really 5’7”. Oh man, I can keep this going forever, see what happens when you give me an open ended question. Next time Asia, give me a longer comment question, eshi Asia, stop being such a Habesha eko::
Q: Why are folks waiting on a government handout? Don’t they know we hold the power to change our country’s fortune and future? –Alicia, VA
BC: Dude, New Gingrich, why the hell are you emailing the Habesha Mailbag pretending to be Ethiopian or whatever nigga? First off, you had your ass handed to you yesterday by Mittens, second, your wife looks like scary ass inflatable doll except it is her that has to blow you in order to inflate your ego, and third you look like my left scrotum. As far as your question “Alicia” Gingrich, folks are not waiting for handout. It is easy for people like you and me with jobs, education, and stable parents to not look for “handouts”, but for those who were not privy to parents, an education system, and grew up in crime ridden areas, the least we can do is give them a hand up. Besides, if memory serves me correctly, the US government owes African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule”, so fuck the food stamp, they need to give all African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule” adjusted for inflation. And no Habeshoch, we will not be entiteled to this….oohhhhh…now you want to claim you are black all the sudden aydel. Nope nope, this shall be reservd for African-Americans only who can claim ancestors back to slavery. Which means that I need to go to Bmore tonight and marry me a hood chic, I am pretty sure I can get one, I’ll just offer her a black and mild and a dinner at a sea food joint. What, you are offended Gingrich?? You are the same one that said that Palestinians were an “invented” people. OK I’m done with you Newtiye, on to the next question.
Q: What do you think about interracial relationships?? Especially habesha ppl dating non-habesha ones? –Habeshafro, Los Angeles
BC: I highly discourage it unless you try dating me first. Hi, I’m Teddy, you have my email addy. Here is where I am hoping Habeshafro is a girl and not a guy. Stay tuned, if I get an email with subject header “Hi Boo Boo” from Habeshafro, I know I would have just encountered a big #FAIL
Q: Why do habesha women try to act like they are goodie girls and say things like? Ye Bet lij Negn (I dont leave the house) and Pente Negn (I am Religious) I think they say this to cover up their dark side so no one will say anything bad about them. But these chicks are the craziest, and you see them at all the parties, and every restaurant. This is real talk! -Anonymous, somewhere in PA
BC: Actually this guy wanted me to use his name, but he is a young guy with a bright future, I did not want him attacked by 15 Habesha women and get his eye balls scratched out by their finger nails. So I chose to keep him anonymous. Now as far as your question El—I mean anonymous. My first instinct was to say it is because they are nothing but teases who love and live to give Habesha men worldwide one big collective blue balls. But the truth of it is that we—us Ethiopian and Eritrean men—are assholes. We get mad at our women for not giving it up, but the second we do, we go out and spread shit about them, calling them sluts and whores. It’s really fucked up if you think about it, I have seen countless women get destroyed because some dude went out and told his boys that she was a slut and she gave it up—and most of the time that nigga is lying. So I don’t blame them for saying the things they do, we are to blame. Ummm…ladies, just so you know, I—Teddiye—never kiss and tell and even if you are a big old freak, that will be our little secret eshi nefse::
Q: What is up with the shitty service that Ethiopian restaurants give? Why is it that I always have to beg for more Injera all the time? I went to a restaurant one time by myself and I ordered a doro wot. Now mind you, I went to the same restaurant on a date the day before and ordered the same thing and the doro wot came out with only two pieces of doro in it. For sure I was pissed, but did not say anything and me and my date found ourselves rationing the doro. The next day, I ordered the same thing and this time the plate came out, and it only had one piece of doro! I asked the waitress why I only had one doro and she said it was because there was only one person eating. I asked her if the price was the same and she shook her head yes. Really, you charge me the same effin price yet I get one less one chicken?? What should I do next time Brown Condor? Why do they act like this? -Teddiye, Alexandria
BC: Wow Teddiye, you sound like an articulate, smart, good looking, and amazing guy all around. I think that Mimi and Megdi should jump all over you bro, I see I have some competition on my hands. Now as far as your question, I have observed this myself. I think it is because most Ethiopian restaurants—with the exception of the ones I frequent—suck balls when it comes to customer service. I am not even sure if customer service exists in our dictionary, and if it does I am sure the owners think that they are the customers and we are their waiters. But at the end of the day, if we accept shitty service and continue to patronize restaurants who treat us with Clasless service, we are to blame. So, next time you get 1 piece of Injera for four people and you sit there and decide to divide the Injera one gursha at a time and refuse to speak up, well then, don’t come over here and submit questions to me complaining after z fact. Gebah wendem::
Q: How come Ethiopian men don’t believe in oral sex? I mean they eat gursha all day but yet when it comes to having a real gursha, they refuse to go down south! What is up with that Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Arlington
BC: Besma’am! Anche balege!! Wuy gud. Ummmmm..mejemera, do you practice what you preach? I mean, do you also take gursha as you give gursha? Secondly, you know what, I can’t go on with this topic, I will utterly ruin my credibility if I do. We will discuss this off line sis, ummm, after consoling Mimi today, then discussing business with Megi tomorrow, how is your calendar looking for Sunday anonymous. Let’s talk eshi 
Q: I approached an Eritrean girl once and I asked her if she was Ethiopian. She smacked me in my chinkila and kicked me in my balls! What did I do wrong Brown Condor! -Thomas, Chicago
BC: Getting close
Q: If you drink atmit while you are wearing a Gabi on your couch and you are a 40+ year old man, does this mean secretly you want to move to Atlanta and you want to compliment women on their shoes and call them boo boo? -Hiwot, London
BC: Getting even closer
Q: I hear that in Addis, they think Gchat is something that hard core Ethiopian gangstas chew to get high, is this true Brown Condor? – Becca, Addis
BC: Yep, these are my readers!
Well this concludes the first ever inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Hopefully you enjoyed it. If you did, and depending on the reception and the amount of questions I receive for next week, I will do another Habesha Mailbag next week. If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 2.0. Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Teddy Fikre
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