Essence of DOPE
Posts tagged Bill Simmons
Habesha Mailbag 5.0
185 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 5.0
Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor. I kind of figured that would be the case once I got my readers involved::
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, February 24th, 2012
Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor. I kind of figured that would be the case, I knew that once I got my readers involved in a give and take, I would be able to leverage their humor and insights and combine that with my Def Comedy Joe Torry like comedy and what will invariably follow would be something as addictive as Kitfo and something as hot as Mitmita.
Programming note, Teddisho this is what happens when you interview Joe Torry on BC radio, you actually get to thinking that you are as funny as Richard Pryor. Your ego is getting mo bigger than an Ethiopian woman’s forehead adyel. Time to calm your Qit down Teddiye.
Anyway, as I always do every week, I lead off by first paying homage and respect to Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy (follow him on twitter @sportsguy33). He is the reason I started Habesha Mailbag, to be honest, I am taking the whole format from Bill, I guess you can say that I Somali Pirate hijacked his style, but hey, if you think that Bill did not Somali Hijack someone else’s style, just keep in mind that his webpage is called www.grantland.com and Grant was the name of a famous Sports reporter from Boston, so you see, all things come full circle and piracy after all is not such a bad thing—as long as you acknowledge who you pirated from and in return pave the way for a future Sports Guy or Brown Condor.
Now, part of my homage to Bill Simmons is to put on my sports pundit hat and take on a particular issue with respect to sports. So this week, I am going to tackle the NFL combines in Indianapolis. To be honest, this Combines thing has always been grating to me. The way they line up football players with only their underwear on and white guys going around poking and prodding mostly African-American males to see which specimen was the strongest or was the quickest, shit it takes me back to the slave trade days. This is exactly how they conducted the slave auctions. I know, you will think that this is an outrageous comparison to make aydel?
I mean how I can compare a soon to be multi-millionaire football player to a slave who picked cotton for free. Easy, because while the average football player washes out after 2.5 years and over their life time are not millionaires, the owners—just like slave owners—are billionaires ten times over. Slavery is always relative, I make more money today than 90% of white folks did 200 years ago, but compared to educated white masses in America, I am still considered middle class. Money does not determine freedom in a vacuum; it has to be taken into consideration relative to the relative wealth of the overall population. What you thought I was going to talk Xs and Os, come on, you know I will always find a way to make a mundane matter controversial and create a dialogue in the process. Now…on to the readers.
Q: Hi asshole. –Nitro Ethiopians, London, England
BC: Whut the Leb(censored). Selam Qitam.
Q: When is an appropriate time to yell out “fuck it! thug life! i’m about that guap!” in the middle of a staff meeting and walking out? –Anonymous, Washington DC
BC: Well it depends yene big foreheadiye (this is where I am hoping you are a girl because I don’t call guys anything starting with a yene) anyway, it depends how much money you have saved up, how much capital you have amassed, do you have a revenue stream that can replace the revenue that you will be losing as a result of quitting your gig? Baring all that, do you have a shenkora mama or daddy that can take care of your bills? I mean what are your plans before you say “I’m about that Guap” and bounce? Cause if you don’t have a plan my nicca or nicctress, your paradigm will be shifted meto gena and your ass will be sleeping on dark lit corners like my man Ray on Pennsylvania Ave NW. Think about it before you do something rash yene wendem (ok I can say Yene to a guy but only with the word wendem) or yene ehete eshi bilicho::
Q: I say fuck, shit, ass, hell, damn, pussy, dick and all kinds of filthy words in English, but beunet, I cannot say ONE curse word in Amharic. When I try my body shakes and I just can’t do it. Why is this Brown Condor? –Selam, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
BC: Oh snap! I know exactly what you mean, that is such bullshit. For example the Amharic word for fuck starts with an L, the Amharic word for pussy starts with a E, the Amharic word for dick starts with a C and the Amharic word for shit is …well this one is not bad, it is kaka. Now just thinking of those words made me go smoke a cig and wash out my mouth with Palmolive. Now before I lose 275 of my followers on twitter and half my audience, let me get meto gena deep with this answer. You see, I think the issue is that of Ethiopians having their growth stunted by their elders. I know, now you really think I am an “Ibd” but hear me out. You see, as children we were always told to be quiet and not to be heard. We were guilt tripped into not being overly expressive and to mind our matters. This incessant lecture to be “good lijoch” and senestrat has it’s positive sides, for the most part, Ethiopians respect our elders and love our parents. But it has a bad side too though, that of having to hide shit from our parents and feeling like we always have to be kids in front of our elders. I know straight up alcoholics who refuse to take even a sip of wine in front of their parents but will head out to a local Habesha party and consume more alcohol than a Russian mixed with a Cherokee Indian. I would advise you to say fuck it and act how you want to act, I would say to say Leb(ugg I can’t do it). Sigh I am trapped by this kaka too.
Q: Why do you have so many followers? Get your church up homie. –Nahom, Pennsylvania
BC: Nahom ante dedeb, you trying to be funny? I only have 275 followers yet meanwhile a jigaboo like @souljaboy has 3.5 million followers. But that is the thing about twitter, you have to build up your clientele slowly, I would rather add one person a day than reach out to some marketer to get me 1 million over night. I would rather have tigist so that all my followers love me instead of acting like @newtgingrich and paying a company to get 1 million follower—80% of whom hate his fucking guts. So 275 is just about right, but I bet by the end of this year, I will be up to 10,000 followers. Want to bet me 4 bags of Qwanta Nahom?
Q: Your favorite restaurant is Laco Melza, really? Why the hell do you like a restaurant that is name after an Italian word. What are you a shifta? Why did they use an Italian restaurant to name their restaurant, what are they Eritrean? -Anonymous, Alexandria, VA
BC: Hmmm, ok tell you what, I will call a general strike against Laco Melza when Ethiopians stop driving a Mechina, when they stop eating Salata, when they stop shopping at Merkato, and when they stop licking Jolati. Deal? Until that day comes, Laco Melza will continue to be my favorite Restaurant and you can catch me there this weekend. PS your middle name is Angelo from your email signature by the way, does this mean you are a shifta??
Q: Brown Condor, I have size big A to small B cup breasts, my boyfriend wants me to get breast implants and have my breasts be a size C or D. He puts pressure on me on a daily basis to do so and I am thinking about granting his wishes and paying $5,000 to get the implants. I just wanted to get your thoughts on this before I make a final decision. What do you say Brown Condor. –Hiwot, Dallas, Texas
BC: Well I know one thing , I can call your big foreheadiye, but I can never call you big tuto aydel Hiwot. : ) No on a serious note, this is actually kind of deep. Let me tell it to you this way, if your boyfriend does not love you the way that God made you, then leave his ass. Better yet, tell him that you will get breast implants when he decides to go first and get a dick implant. Let’s see how he feels about that yene tinish tutoye. Seriously, don’t ever try to please a man by changing how you look. A man should like you as you are, I mean what would he do if you had breast cancer and they had to do a mastectomy? What would he do, live you for a pair of bigger tits? Next time he tells you to change how God made you, give him your middle finger and tell him to lebdeh himself (oh wow I must have gotten really mad, did I just cuss in Amharic, let me go smoke a cig and wash my mouth out). Sigh. Anyway, inbox me yene tinish tuto, I will be a meto gena better boyfriend than him and I like the itty bitty committee ehetoch. (Teddish, really, back to flirting with your readers again, try it on more time and see what happens ante gagama!)
Q: Teddiye, when was the last time you had sex you banda, you seem like a 37 year old virgin who is frustrated, maybe you should get a hooker. –Real Habesha, Baltimore, MD
BC: Funny you say this, actually the last time I had sex was with a hooker and it was last night. Ask your mom, it was her eko:: 
<- MOSSAD Tactics
Q: You keep saying that Guragaye people have big calf muscles and that we can jump high, as a Guragaye I resent this statement. You seem intent on dividing Ethiopians, you are an ass. –Mikkey, Seattle, WA
BC: Really, let me as you a question yene Guragaye, when you wear pants, do you have to cut out a section below your knees on your jeans so your legs can get circulation? When you do Guragenya on the dance floor, do you often get headaches the next day from bumping your head on the ceiling? #CaseClosed Anyway lighten up ante dedeb, I say things like this out of fun. I also make fun of Gonderes (I am Gondere) for example, how can you tell someone is Gondere? Answer: He works at 7-11 but always tells people no one bosses him around! Oh…you laugh at that one but not at jokes when it comes to “your people”. I think I see the seeds of tribalism here…but let’s keep it moving.
Q: It seems that you have built up a real rapport with a lot of the DJs in DC, NY, ATL and Ethiopia; they are always retweeting your tweets and updating their Facebook statuses to tell people to tune into BC Radio. But the promoters don’t mention you at all and some are defriending you I notice. What is that about, do promoters not believe in Hebret, are DJs the only ones who believe in Hebret? –Robel, Atlanta, GA
BC: Wow this is very insightful, thank you Robel. I noticed that as well yene wendem. But first, let me give a shout out to 2 promoters who do believe in Hebret: Neb Foto @nebfoto on twitter and Meron Alemayehu @iammeron on twitter. As far as the promoters, I don’t know, maybe they see me as a threat; maybe they see me as someone that wants to have parties in DC and Addis. I don’t blame them, you have to be always on your toes when it comes to being a promoter. Just remember that the DOPEST promoters today were the ones who were not known by anyone only 10 or 15 years ago, and through hard work and determination, they were able to lockup the party scene in DC and beyond. DJs are not in the same constraint, I mean sure, there is a DJ coming along every two seconds, but for them, the bigger the party pool, the better off they are. So I am not a threat to DJs, I am actually a potential future client. That being said, I do have some DOPE Djs and real friends in my corner. Thus this is the S/o moment (yeah DJs, you ain’t the only ones with mics for shout outs, I got a mic too S/o @djbanti @DJuba1 @DJXLYAFET @djlboogie832 @djarmageddon @DjSixthSense @djRBI @DJGabe_TheDJ @THEREALDJFADE @DawitDckonjo
Q: Hi Brown Condor, my name is Mimi, I am 45 years old but I have a thing for 21 year old habesha guys. If I can ask, sent amete new, do you have a younger brother? I have a Wii video game at my apartment and all you can eat injera ena dabo. Email me eshi nefse. –Mimi, Silver Spring, MD
BC: O_o we are getting close!
Q: I go to sleep with emergency kitfo by my bed and when I hold the long jump record for the state of Virginia, does this mean I am part Guragaye? –Dawit, Richmond, VA
BC: Getting closer
Q: I tried to get on twitter after I read your screed about 35+ year old women not being on twitter, but when I tried twitter rejected me because I tried to put in my age (which is 25 by z way) and it said “weshetam” as the reason I was rejected. What should I do Brown Condor. I really am 25 eko, beunet, I left Ethiopia when the Derg took over in Ethiopia—oops I meant to say I left Ethiopia when the derg fell. Do you believe me Brown Condoriye? –Almaz, Washington, DC.
BC: Yup, these are my readers!
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 6.0. Degmo Email me Hiwot yene tinish tuto (ha got this past the editor). Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
Feature Sponsors
[click to visit LacoMelza Ethio Cafe]
Part art, part food, part buna, LacoMelza will take you on a trip from Silver Spring to Addis up to Rome and back to Silver Spring before you finish the last drop of buna. Let this amazing family owned cafe take you on a world trip without having to leave your seat. What will start off with “Dabo be Shai” in the morning will have you remembering Enat Ethiopia while listening to beautiful music accompanied by beautiful people. The only place to be this weekend is LacoMelza for their Grand Opening!
LacoMelza Ethio Cafe’ & Restaurant is not just a restaurant but an art gallery. They will be exhibiting the paintings of an artist who lives in London by the name of Abiy G/Selassie. LacoMelza has the Best Brunch in town all day Saturday and Sunday. Their lunch menu is very creative and Dinner features a full Ethiopian menu. They also have a very unique children’s menu that is both healty and delicious. So go out to LacoMelza, take the whole family, and take part in the Grand Opening of a Grand Cafe by the name of LacoMelza at 7912 George Ave, Silver Spring MD. See you there this Saturday and Sunday and after that go there hulu geze eshi::
The first person that tweets me @browncondor on twitter or comments below will get a free brunch for two at LacoMelza Cafe this weekend. Tolo Tolo, tweet me @browncondor using #LacoMelzaCafe or comment below
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Teddy Fikre
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Habesha Mailbag 4.0
092 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Habesha Mailbag 4.0
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 4.0
A look back at the week that was and a look forward to see what will be coming up as we all cope with the incoming Snowmaggedon…which will mean 1 inch of snow in DC. SMH
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, February 17th, 2012
B’sma’am, wuy gud, time flies when one is twittering and Facebooking all the time, zare meche new? Arb new? Really, what is z date? February 17 already? Beunet? Well if it’s Arb (Friday) you know what that means, time to dust of another version of Habesha Mailbag. I know, I can’t believe that this is already the 4th edition of the Mailbag. I have to admit, this is my favorite part of writing in terms of how much I laugh at my readers questions/comments and keep laughing as respond back. Beunet, sak be sak lemot new be Habesha Mailbag.
As always, first a tiliq SALUTE and BIGup to Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy (@sportsguy33 on twitter). He is the comic genius that inspired this, for years he did the Mailbag and he would use the question/response format. I swear, I used to act like a 7 year old in Bole, always waiting by his website (www.grantland.com) for his latest edition of the Mailbag. Once I got it, I printed it, and I would eat up every word and laugh my Qit off for 15 minutes each Friday.
I am not saying that I am by anywhere near the like of Bill Simmons, but it is my hope that you too, the readers of Brown Condor, get a least a few laughs each Friday as you kick off your Fridays. Who knows, maybe one day I will get 1.5 million followers on twitter like Bill Simmons does—sigh, for now I am elated to have 275 
Now before the first question is asked, I take time to become a sports pundit in homage to the Sports Guy. So with that said, this Lin guy in New York is a beast. I have not seen skills like that since Teddisho was the king of the blacktops back in 1998—on my Sega. Whatever, I can ball negros, I had dreams of becoming the first Ethiopian basketball player in the NBA until I realized that I could barely touch the net let alone dunk. It’s not my fault, Ethiopians can run fast as shit, but seriously our jumping ability is suspect at best. We could not jump across a ruler set on the floor. Now the only exception would be Guragye sewoch, man Guragye sewoch could out jump a Kangaroo and could jump over LeBron James’s receding hairline!
Beunet, I saw a Guragye fella jumping across 14th St, no really, the hand signal turned white and he literally jumped from one side of 14th St to the next with one leap. O_o I think a bunch of Guragye taxi cabbies are about to organize a strike against Brown Condor….ere bakachew, I love Guragye eko:: You don’t believe me, eshi the first Guragye person reading this mailbag, I challenge you to a kitfo eating competition at Enat Restaurant this Sunday, if I win, you have to call off the Guragye cabbie strike of Brown Condor ehi:: WTL, how did I get from Lin to Kitfo. SMH on to the questions::
Q: What is Nitro Ethiopians phone number Brown Condor – Meron, Springfield VA
BC: Nooooo, no way Meron, you are joking, wait whut! You mean his phone number, you actually like Brokeback Habesha in London??? What! B’sma’am, you are joking aydel?? What could you possibility like about him degmo, for a minute eko I thought this email was one that Nitro Ethiopians sent as a fake email, but no I know Meron. I can’t believe this? What is it that you want with that fella, what you like the way he applies lotion to himself?? You think just because he is good with lotion when he applies it to himself that he would be able to massage your back the same way he massages his ….ummm…his…Sega game stick. Wey gud, is it that bad, you need a massage that bad (ante Gagame, don’t you even think of flirting with Meron, I mean it negro) sigh, Umm…make an appointment at Massage Envy, I beseech you ehete, do not envy Nitro Ethiopians, he is a 45 year old self lotioning (not a word) Brokeback Habesha eko:: trust me he is not interested in you nor your big Foreheadiye. Eshi…thank me later as we sip on some wine (censored by Teddy’s code of ethics—yes I actually have ethics danka verdy much!)
Q: Brown Candor, let me ask you a question, who do you think has sexier women, Ethiopia or Eritrea –Samuel, Dallas TX
BC: Ugggg, smack my own Foreheadiye!!! Wey gud Habeshoch, semu ebakachew, it is not Brown Candor nor Brown Condom nor Brun Candor, please please yene DV sewoch, I love you betam, but the name is BROWN CONDOR…gebachew? B.R.O.W.N. C.O.N.D.O.R….say it with me….BROWN CONDOR! Seriously, I get about a 1,000 hits a day, but if yall spelled www.browncondor.com I would probably get as many hits as Huffington Post. Let me go ahead and purchase browncandor, browncondom, bruncandor, and broncendor IP addresses and redirect them to www.browncondor.com Now as far as your question Samuel, this is like asking me what is a better car, a Mercedes or a Lexus. This is like asking me what tastes better Kitfo or Dulet (I love both equally). First off, I can’t tell one from the other, Ethiopian women and Eritrean women look alike to me, they both have big foreheadoch, they both have big eyes, and the ones in DC, good gawd lawda merci, they have big Qitoch, man oh man, when I got to Portico on Friday’s, I actually set my drinks on Habesha Qitoch…and the funny thing is that they don’t know it…they walk around, and I’ll be damned the drink doesn’t move an inch. Wey Gud Habesha kitoch, it’s like the Ethiopian Chinese wall! Oh right…Ethiopian and Eritrean women (I get distracted easily eko:: ) anyway the only way I can tell the difference is that at the end of a sentence where one is making a statement of point, an Ethiopian girl says “aydel” and an Eritrean girl says “mish”. As in see me at Portico tonight…mish …aydel
Q: Brown Condor, what does “Kante ga metenach efelegalewe” mean, this girl just texted me that just now and I have no idea what it means. Please bro, help me out! –Jason, Washington DC
BC: I want to sleep with you.
(revision 10 minutes later after responding to 8 more questions and right before I was about to publish Habesha Mailbag, holly kaka, I just realized that this could easily be misinterpreted. Listen, what I meant was that what SHE said to YOU was that SHE wants to sleep with you. I don’t want you to think that I was telling you that I want to sleep with you. Understand Jason. And no…all the fellas from ATL that were about to send me an email, errrrrrrrrr (Martin Lawrence style) go back to the nail salons boo boo, Teddisho loves women only. Anyway Jaso, hope that helps, if you keep reading the Habesha Mailbag after I just translated to you that she wants to sleep with you, well how about you email me her phone number son. Aight broham. Good luck on that journey and strap up ALWAYS before you end up with a big Foreheadiye child in 9 months
Q: Ante sexist asshole, why the hell were you attacking Elbie, what did she do to you; she is a beautiful Habesha, why must you always find ways to attack your own people you fucking Woyane! –Titi, New York NY
BC: God bless your soul “Habesha Chic”…i have nothing but love for Elbie. Her and I are cool now, hopefully you can learn a lesson from Elbie about foregiveness. Stay blessed yene big foreheadiye::
Q: Teddisho, why do you insist on calling Ethiopian women yene Big Foreheadiye?? I will let you know that I DO NOT have a big forehead, it is small and proportionate to my face. Please stop calling us Big Foreheadiye, senesrat Teddiye. –Selam, Los Angeles, CA
BC: Ummm Selamiye, let me ask you a question, when you were invited to the most recent Super Bowl, did the host ask you to stand in front of the wall and then shone a bright light on you the whole time? Oh, you thought you were modeling?? Noooo boo boo, they were using your Forehead as a screen for the projector eko:: I know you don’t know this, but the Giants won, you know how I know you don’t know Yene Big Foreheadiye, the game was being broadcast LIVE on your forehead eko boo boo:: Wey gud, DENIAL is not a river in Ethiopia eko:: but seme Yene Big Foreheadiye, I love Habesha women’s foreheads, it is a sign of beauty and elegance. So be proud of your forehead hode, hold your head up high….that is if you can, if you need me to help you push your chin up so that you can hold your forehead up high, let me know tota, I have been working out, I can lift at least 100 pounds, so I should be able to help you hold your head up high Yene Big Foreheadiye::
Q: Why do you always talk shit about Ethiopian cab drivers, what are you an elitist who thinks that you are better than cabbies? Cab drivers are very intelligent and bust their asses to put their kids in college, you should really stop making fun of Ethiopian cabbies wendem, it is not very becoming of you, you sound more and more like Mitt Romney every time you talk shit about Ethiopian cab drivers. –Gabrielle, Houston TX
BC: I agree with you Meto Gena Gabrielle, cab drivers are amazing! You know how I know, because my father Fikre (RIP) was a cab driver for over 25 years. Some of the best memories I have growing up in Woodbridge was driving around DC with my father. He and I used to have epic debates (he was a Republican and I a fierce Democrat) and we would argue about any and everything. How do you think I learned to debate and argue, I learned from the best eko:: I am not making fun of Ethiopian cab drivers, I love them, they represent the very best of our community. We should all be proud of them, shit if we have the cab game locked up in DC that is a good thing that gives us power in numbers. When I observe that Koreans have the dry cleaning game locked up throughout the US, do you think I am mocking them? Hell naw, they are a powerful community because they have a niche market locked up. The only thing I wish is that Ethiopian cabbies would use their niche business to organize a platform that could give the Ethiopian and Eritrean community a voice. In 2008 for example, their collective efforts went a long way in the success of Ethiopian for Obama, imagine if they organized like that all the time. Anyway, much respect to Ethiopian cab drivers, please ebakachew don’t organize a general strike against Brown Condo, I am one of yours eko, I am a lij of a DC Cabbie eko:: eshi…one love!
Q: I am an Ethiopian guy who came to America 2 years ago. In order to get stay in America, I convinced an African-American girl to marry me and in exchange I gave her $5,000. We actually decided to give it a try instead of being a fake marriage. The thing is though Brown Condor, I am miserable with her, she does not know how to make wot, she is always snapping her fingers and popping her neck, and she keeps calling me a Nigga, what should I do Brown Condor. –Anonymous, Arlington VA
BC: Well anonymous, you first have to realize that you are in America and that you are married not to an Ethiopian but to an American. You cannot expect the same thing from an Ethiopian girl back home as you will get from an African-American girl in VA. What you have to do is let go of your suppositions (oops you might not know what that means yene big Foreheadiye it means your assumptions) and learn to appreciate your wife for who and what she is and not who and what she is not. How about this for a DOPE idea, how about you make the wot and feed her and in the process teach her how to make wot. How about you take her out to Ethiopian restaurants and cultural centers and teach her about the beauty of your country and in return you ask her to take you to African-American museums and restaurants and get to learn about her history. When you take steps to learn who she is and about her background, maybe she will stop snapping her fingers at you, stop popping her neck at you, and stop calling you nigga eshi bilicho:: Either that, or it will be half of your assets taken when she divorces your ass and all you will be left with will be half a bag of kolo and one bag of shimbera. So get on it my man, treat her like a Nigist and I promise you she will treat you like a King.
Q: I have the greatest idea ever Brown Condor, I came up with a Gabi tie and a Gabi business vest. Please help me market zis products wendem:: Robel, Atlanta, GA
BC: O_o we are getting close!
Q: I have a great idea for you Brown Condor, why not diversify your offerings and come up with Brown Condoms, you can call it the DOPEST prophylactic EVER. What do you think Brown Condor? –Dani, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
BC: Getting closer!
Q: Ante Woyane Teddy Fikre, the local store in London is having a 5 for 1 special on Nivea lotion, eski let me borrow a couple of dollars so I can get 5 bottles of Nivea to last me for the weekend. –Nitro Ethiopian, London, England
BC: Yup, these are my readers!
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 5.0. Degmo Elbie, eski ehete, let me get a plate of your DOPE timatim fitfit ehete:: Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
Feature Sponsors
[click to visit LacoMelza Ethio Cafe]
This is the grand opening of the a classy, artistic, and elegant cafe in Silver Spring. Part art, part food, part buna, LacoMelza will take you on a trip from Silver Spring to Addis up to Rome and back to Silver Spring before you finish the last drop of buna. Let this amazing family owned cafe take you on a world trip without having to leave your seat. What will start off with “Dabo be Shai” in the morning will have you remembering Enat Ethiopia while listening to beautiful music accompanied by beautiful people. The only place to be this weekend is LacoMelza for their Grand Opening!
LacoMelza Ethio Cafe’ & Restaurant is not just a restaurant but an art gallery. They will be exhibiting the paintings of an artist who lives in London by the name of Abiy G/Selassie. LacoMelza has the Best Brunch in town all day Saturday and Sunday. Their lunch menu is very creative and Dinner features a full Ethiopian menu. They also have a very unique children’s menu that is both healty and delicious. So go out to LacoMelza, take the whole family, and take part in the Grand Opening of a Grand Cafe by the name of LacoMelza at 7912 George Ave, Silver Spring MD. If it snows, go anyway, Beredo mendenew, LaComelza ga buna fut madrege new eko:: See you there this Saturday and Sunday and after that go there hulu geze eshi::
The first person that tweets me @browncondor on twitter or comments below will get a free brunch for two at LacoMelza Cafe this weekend. Tolo Tolo, tweet me @browncondor using #LacoMelzaCafe or comment below
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Author
Teddy Fikre
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Habesha Mailbag
3106 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 2.0
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 3rd, 2012
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
Alright sewoch, endet nachew? Melkam Arb, Happy Friday, I bet you are ready to get the weekend popping after a long week of working. I feel you boo boos (yeah I know that is a bit feminine, but I am making it masculine). Anyway, it’s that time of the week where I interact with my readers and see what we come up with together. I am sure to laugh my Qit off while reading their questions and comments and then laugh my Qit off again while responding—what can I say, I know how to make myself laugh.
Now before we get to the emails. Since this is an article inspired by Bill Simmons, let me take a quick attempt to be a sports pundit. My prediction for the Super Bowl is that the little blue giants (aka the New York Viagra) will lose to the New England Patriots. Final score Patriots 45 Giants 21. Take that to the bank; know how I know, because the New York Viagra are lame, more vagina than anything else. (side note, I know I will lose most of New York from Brown Condor servers, but damn Giants fans, you are New Yorkers, stop being sissy and getting mad at me teasing you boo boos (now that time that did sound feminine).
Now on to the readers, buckle your Brown Condor seatbelts sewoch, the ride is about to get a bit bumpy.
Q: So Teddy, I read about your attempt to help Ray. If it’s a true story, it’s touching. But I have questions and since this is a public page (and some of your recent attacks are directed at Ethiopians as a whole), I felt entitled to put them forward. Here they go: why do you feel so entitled to people’s attention? Do you subscribe to consequentialism (a moral theory) by any chance? Even then…I don’t see a consequentialist who is serious about getting people into charity resorting to your kind of “tactics”. So what’s the deal here…why do you think people should drop everything else and follow your lead? What makes your charity different from the million others out there? You certainly aren’t the first to write about the plight of homeless people; and I am not trying to insult your intelligence by telling you that…it’s just a reminder. And how much do we really know about the personal lives of people we accuse of not caring because they don’t donate to our charities? What about the possibility…even the slightest one…that some may already have other charity commitments? In short, by what authority to do you lash out at people? – Mercy Melesse, Northridge California
BC: Well the story of Ray is 100% true, one thing I do not do is make up stories for publicity. To be honest, most of the things that I do for less fortunate people I rarely publicize. The acts that I take are between the less fortunate, me, and God. Yesterday was the exception because I was foolish enough to believe that I could galvanize other Ethiopians to help out less fortunate folk. I know, I should have played the lotto, getting Ethiopians to believe in Hebret is like getting a horse to drink water. I learned that lesson the hard way when only one person responded to my pleadings to help out homeless people. Now, I am not saying that there are not other kind folk like me who help out less fortunate folk—lord knows there are thousands who do and don’t Facebook about it. However, for the most part, people on Facebook are on some bullshit. They all responded when I posted a picture of an almost white chic transposed over an Ethiopian flag with a corresponding title of Ethiopian Thongs Day and called me all kinds of names. You were one of those responders, but I wonder, instead of debating me for hours on Facebook, why not instead help out the homeless by giving them hope. I have no authority to lash out at anyone; I was just doing my part, ironic though ehete, you are lashing out at me for supposedly lashing out at others. A bit oxymoronic where you stand isn’t it bilicho. Anyway, I am done, you can do what you want to, you can keep debating me on Facebook, or you can actually help someone out who needs it the most. You choose, now back to the mailbag, this is supposed to be funny not an argument with a troll Habesha from California.
Q: Brown Condor, question, condoms or raw dog? –Mimi, Houston, Texas
BC: Bes’ma’am! Ende, how did we go from someone calling me a weshetam to now getting an email about sex advice? Hmmmm…well I have been admonished not to hit on my followers because it is betam unprofessional and it will destroy my credibility. Thus let me answer this question professionally. I am 37 years old and I have no kids, this is not because I believe in the touching my forehead, heart, and shoulders and praying to God as I employ the pull out before too late method. No, I always strap up and I encourage all other dudes to do the same or else you will either have unwanted children with an unwanted woman or end up meeting your death with that bitch named HIV. Ummm Mimi, now how about you fly to Washington DC and next week we can talk about my magnum condoms while drinking Yohannes Aramaji at Portico with the DC Habesha crew. (I tried but damn it, when a woman asks Teddisho about condoms, well I have to respond by saying “Hi, I’m Teddisho”)
Q: Teddy once the revolution comes you will find yourself worthy of being hanged next to Melese at Meskel square. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Nitro you sir are betam amusing to me. I wonder how old you are eko: Seriously, you are probably one of two things: 1) a 17 year old boy who has 40 pimples and is still a virgin or B) a 45 year old man who lives with his mother in London and your only two girlfriends are your right hand and a lotion. Anyway, I plan on going to Addis soon, and Meskel Square will be next to Fikre Avenue in due time. Anyway, I’ve had enough of your “Nitro” you noxious Habesha, on to other readers, put the lotion away you early ejaculator.
Q: Teddy, what are your thoughts about Habesha DJs? Who are your favorite DJs and do you agree that DJ Armageddon is the best DJ in DC? -Helen, Washington DC
Well this one should be an interesting conversation. My three favorite DJs in DC are DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi. All three are amazing with their versalitity. I think DJing is a very underappreciated art and definitely undervalued. DJs, compared to singers and other performers, make chump change. But without a DJ, parties, concerts, clubs would be #DEAD. They should be making thousands upon thousands of dollars, but most make less than $500 for each event. Not bad for one day’s work, but when you consider how much money clubs make from alcohol—most of the time raking in over $100,000 a night of alcoholics, $500 doesn’t seem just. But it’s cool, when I have my Brown Condor party soon enough, I will give my DJs 30% of all proceeds—including alcohol money. So DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi, get ready to be peeeezaid my niggas! Oh as far as DJ Armageddon, let’s just say the only time I would EVER let Yosef DJ at my Brown Condor Party will be when the Armageddon finally arrives. Even then, I would rather let a 2 cent Disk Jockey DJ for me. I have a long memory of 09.25.09, I forgive at times but never forget. So no, DJ Armaggedon does not belong on my top 1,000,000,000 DJ list Helen. Now, join me tonight at Portico and let’s get down and get up while smoking sheesha. You down? (Teddisho, what the fuck is up with you dedem, stop flirting with your readers aheya before I give you a kurkuma! Yikirta Helen, inbox me eshi:: PS DJ Teddisho is DOPE as hell by the way, you can hear him every day on BC Radio, click play on Ustream screen above to hear DJ Teddisho::
Q: TPLF qemalams are occupiers just like their ancestors the Italians! –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: You again bilicho, I see you ejaculate once every 2 minutes leka. Please wendem, put down z Neiva and go take a cold shower. Wuy gud, ehe tota will not leave me alone. Maybe write about this troll asshole Monday and call it Nitro Troll Assholes. Let me ponder this.
Q: Shall we call you the Facebook version of Jesus hahahaha – Dani Exodus, Chicago Illinois
BC: Oh God, Dani Exodus, for you I feel betam sorry. You see Dani has decided to embark on a mission to get the heart of this DOPE big foreheadiye named Hana Able. But what he does not know is that Hana is a heart breaker. Yours truly knows first-hand; Hanicho had me baking her homemade Tiramisu for her birthday. I spent the whole day on it, 10 hours of baking, and it was the most amazing cake ever. Then I dropped it off, then *cricket cricket*. No phone calls from Hanicho, no text messages, Hanicho boo boo went ghost and had me crying in dark lit corners. Sigh, these Ethiopian women are the death of me betam. Zis is not fair, why could I not be attracted to Japanese women, they are all submissive and bowing down to their men. Ethiopian women do not submit, they just do Guraginya dance and eskista on our hearts. Sigh, time for Yohannes Arimaji to drown away my sadness. Now as far as you Danicho bilicho, you are about to be in a world of hurt broham. I tried to warn you many many many times eko:: But go ahead, do you boo boo (yes this one mos def sounded feminine). You will soon be drinking Yohannes Arimaji with me at Portico drowning away your sadness. Don’t say I did not warn you, I will give you a Brown Condor napkin (my business card) you can clear up your eyes and your snot on my business card neftam::
Q: You are rotting yourself in decadence, better if u knew nothing than have this to contaminate your country ladies with, STOP ayamribihim, and return to your elitism, and do campaigning for Obama or somebody else, that is better -Yetemare Adam Gedelegne, Location, Unknown
BC: Let me guess, you are Nitro Ethiopian’s butt buddy, his Qit Wendem? Jeesh, what is it about Habeshoch in England? Is it the smog, the chips, or Ruppert Murdoch that turns nice Ethiopians into asshole trolls? Ummm Yetemare, put down the lotion, take out Nitro’s dick from your mouth, and go learn some seneserat manners bilicho:: How do you like those elite apples negro?
Q: Every time I eat Injera, my stomach goes into a revolution. Seriously, I get heart burn, I throw up sometimes, and when I poop, my kit turns to fire. Men laderg Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Boston Massachusetts
BC: Oh man, anonymous, I feel the same way broham or sistren. Every flipping time I eat Injera, a Tea Party revolution goes on inside my stomach and then an inferno after that. I don’t know what it is that turns a hopeful gursha into a miserable digestion. I have popped more Pepto Bismol than Whitney has popped Xanax. I think I know the reason though, I think some of the Injera makers in America are on some bullshit. They use beer and Coca Cola in the Injera batter to make it look darker so they could make more money. I wish someone would write an article about this issue! Ding! Idea popped in to my head. Actually, I was going to write about this yesterday until I got distracted by Ray and the Ethiopian Thongs Day King Kong tactics. Maybe next week, but until then, I will try to avoid Injera this weekend (bullshit Teddisho, you know you are going to be eating tibs at Habesha after Portico, don’t fool yourself and your readers ante molkaka::
Q: YEGOBEZIN WODAJ GOBEZ AYNEKATIM YETATAKIN WODAJ TATTAKI AYNEKATIM YEMENDER AWIDELDAY BIYAGEGN AYELEQATIM! –Atse Tewodros II, Washington, DC
BC: I have no idea what you just said you all caps asshole troll but I know it was something pernicious. Whatever it is Qitam, go outside and take a breath and ummmm yeah put down that lotion boo boo.
Q: There isn’t any “real” shit you could possibly post that could make me bat an eye. I have seen it all and heard it all. I’m not going to apologize because this is still a sick idea for a joke. I support your cause and i sympathize with all the people suffering in this world for various reasons. My question is, what did u expect? A cookie? A person who does good things or attempts to do good things in this world doesn’t do it for the glory. They do it for the cause and the solution they could potentially offer. In all honesty, this was a pathetic attempt to get people’s attention. I think YOU should apologize to have to go as far as to degrade your own women to get people’s attention. If you want to have a serious conversation about homeless people, just say so. Don’t go looking for a pathetic excuse such as getting females to show their thongs. Try to educate people by posting about real things; if people want to respond that’s their business, if they don’t then that’s still their business. All you can do is attempt to educate people about the many fucked up things that go on in this world and try to come up with a solution. You went as far as insulting and offending Ethiopian females such as me. For what? To make everyone else look like an ass. You, my friend, just made an ass out of yourself. Like I said before, I didn’t judge you. I don’t even know you. Honestly though, how many people did u miseducate with this ignorant post? Think about it. Niggas who saw this shit will probably walk around tomorrow talking bout “hey girl, lemme see your thong! Don’t you know its Ethiopian thong day???” You did more damage than good. BTW, I checked out the website and like I said I support your cause, BUT i don’t support your tactics. –Sam My, Maryland
BC: I understand your plight Sam My. But just know, I have been at this, trying to get Ethiopians to galvanize for a bigger goal since 2008. I have tried all others seriously, remember Ethiopians for Obama. I tried the non King Kong tactics back then, I traveled to 7 states trying diplomacy and that shit got me nowhere. If I was trying King Kong tactics back then, man I would have been 40 times more successful. This is an education I learned from miseducated Ethiopians, most only pay attention to two things: 1) rumors and innuendo 2) sex. So I adapted to get my message out. I know one thing though, if memory serves me correctly, you did not respond when I first tagged you with the picture of just the homeless man asking you to donate to Ray. You only responded when I tagged on you on that raunchy picture labeled Ethiopian Thongs Holiday. You paid no attention to kind gestures, but I became all King Kong with it, you responded right away. Isn’t that an indictment on you ehete? Doesn’t that say more about your indifference? Why blame the messenger when the message is the thing that got your attention bilicho:: As far as the Ethiopian Thongs Day, just know that was a grimy tactic, I wish other ways could get the attention of Habeshoch. Just know, I love love love Ethiopian women and respect them as Queen of Queens. I was raised by three mothers, my mother and my two sisters. I might tease a lot and call you yene big foreheadiye, but in my heart there is nothing that can take the place of an Ethiopian woman. I would take a bullet for you Sam My, even as you shoot bullets at me. Now beka, no more warring mozaza, let’s have a great weekend, let’s go do eskista, meet me at Portico, I will have a warm seat waiting for you, inbox me eshi (any gegama, what the hell, can you please stop flirting with your readers, it is betam unprofessional negro, beka here comes your kurkuma) *WHAP* OUCH…
Q: Ellal is a Weyane Qemalam with a sprinkle of Islamic fundamentalism on top. He will have you kidnapped and beheaded. You have been warned Mr. Teddy. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: My God nitro, three nuts in 20 minutes, you have killed more Ethiopian kids than Dr. Kevorkian. Really wendem, put down z lotion, can you and Yetemare please stop playing Brokeback Mountain Cowboys, and please, quit me already. I am getting tired of your dekama duket words, please go away boo boos, go fly a kite, go eat doro, go to Bole and skip rope, do anything, but please leave Brown Condor alone. Jesus beJesus! Bekan!
Q: My boyfriend wants me to do a 69 with him, but I prefer only an 88, I don’t go down, I just prefer missionary. What should I do Brown Condor? –Konjit, Toronto, Canada
BC: How about you call me and I can be your math instructor inbox me eshi molkaka (ok ok I will stop flirting I promise Teddisho, this is my last time, kahun behwala, professional becha yene hode:: I pinkie promise!
Q: I ran out of Neiva Lotion, what should I do not Brown Condor. Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Not answering this Brokeback Mountain Habesha
Q: My girlfriend thinks that I am really small, but I measured myself and I’m 8 centimeters long, I thought 8 centimeters was the average size Brown Condor. –Tinisih Wee Wee, Atlanta, Georgia
BC: Getting close…
Q: I know this girl who is always doing Guraginya at Starbucks but she denies she is Ethiopian. But she has a big forehead, she smells like shinkurt, and her eyes are as big as Stonehenge. How can I prove that she is Ethiopian? -Mastewal, Maryland
BC: Getting closer…
Q: I am 46 years old and have gone through 40 containers of Nivea lotion in the past three days and I am addicted to online porn. Help Brown Condor, how can I get a real girlfriend? -Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Yup, these are my readers.
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 3.0. Degmo, Nitro Ethiopians, put down the lotion and log off z intertubes ahun before I give you a kurkuma, beka enough porn for you for the day. Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Teddy Fikre
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Habesha Mailbag
0113 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome to the Inaugural Habesha Mailbag
I am launching the Habesha Mailbag with the help of a few friends who lent me their time and creativity to come up with some questions, enjoy the gursha sewoch.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 27th, 2012
Well the moment has come for the launching of the inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Yes, I have changed with the time, I still don’t like the word Habesha, I prefer to be called Ethiopian. However, the word is not going anywhere, and if it serves as a bridge for Ethiopians and Eritreans to identify with a common name—well who am I to hold a grudge? So going forward, I shall call this the Habesha Mailbag.
So you ask, what is Habesha Mailbag. Well it was influenced by one of the writers I idolize by the name of Bill Simmons. On a weekly basis, Bill would take questions and comments from his readers and then reply back with a wit and humor that would make me literally make me laugh my Qit off as I was reading the article. Grant it, trying to emulate Bill Simmons is a tall order—after all, Bill was a writer for multiple late night comedy shows. But hey, I am if nothing audacious.
So I started reaching out to Brown Condor readers and asked them to submit their questions and comments to me via email. Ideally, I wanted 10 questions for the inaugural Habesha Mailbag, to my surprise I received over 45 emails. So I picked out the 10 best from the submissions and below is the back and forth between the readers and my responses. I hope you enjoy, if this is successful, I plan on making this a weekly feature every Friday. Make sure you submit your questions in the future; when you do, avoid having a one line question. Make the question or comment juicy, apply a bit of your personality to it so that the readers can get a sense of who you are as a reader and an Ethiopian/Eritrean out in the Diaspora.
Before getting on to the questions and answers, let me do one thing. Bill is a sports journalist; as such he would always focus on sports first and foremost. I will not necessarily follow this model, but in his honor, let me make one comment about sports. You do know they call the giants little blue right, as in Viagra pills, most of their fans are kind of lame. I say that as a precursor to my Super Bowl prediction, which is that the Patriots will beat the wholly crap out of the little blue giants. My prediction: Patriots 38 Giants 10. Oh, and if you want to talk trash, just remember that my Redskins beat the shit out of the little blue giants twice this year. OK, on to the readers!
Q: Hi, I’m a 27 year old Ethiopian living in Washington DC. I have noticed that the selection of Ethiopian and Eritrean men is really weak in DC. Most of them have no game and if they do, they like to think they are all players. And what is it with them calling every Ethiopian girl nefse and hode? I’m really tired of it to be honest, I’m thinking of dating white guys or Spanish guys. What is your advice Brown Condor? -Mimi, Silver Spring
BC: First Mimi, I want to thank you for being the first reader to ever submit your question to Habesha Mailbag. You will be getting your bottle of Atmit and bag of qwanta in the mail shortly eshi. Second, as far as you being frustrated, I have 3 words for you: Hi, I’m Teddy! You have my email, let’s discuss your plight over wine. Now as far as you dating white guys or Spanish guys, just be ready, because I have a feeling most of them have a lot in common with little giants fans (refer above). What I find interesting though is that you did not think of dating black guys? Maybe it is true what black guys always gripe to me about, that Ethiopian women don’t like to be with black guys. I will have to do some more research about this. But for the time being, leave the black guys, Spanish guys, and white guys alone eshi ehete, we will talk your issue over wine tonight at Portico eshi yene big forheadiye.
Q: TOP favorite books (3) –Ellal, Philadelphia
BC: Now this is a classic example of what a question should not look like. Ellal wendem, you see how Mimi’s question was detailed and she lets the reader get an insight into her life and her situation. O_o…you are not part of the Ethiopian dudes that Mimi is talking about are you? Are you the reason that Mimitu is about to date Ricky Ricardo?? MTS! Wuy gud! You and I will have a sit down later. But to answer your question, my three favorite books are, in no particular order: 1) Malcolm X 2) Invisible Man and 3) Assata. However, it is really hard to narrow it down to just those three. I mean I could list another 50 easy. Mostly I love reading about African-American history, especially dealing with struggles for freedom and liberation. However, I have been reading a lot more Ethiopian books lately. I’m currently reading the History of Haile Selassie at this moment along with Assata for the third time.
Q: Can all the DMV promoters make one big habesha event instead of separate parties for a weekend so every habesha can come to one location that would be dope? -Anonymous, Philadelphia
BC: Escuse me, I just spit my coffee on my laptopiye at the thought of that happening. Put it this way, do you think that Mitt Romney and Gingrich will hold hands with Obama and sing kumbaya? This ain’t gonna happen captain! I love all the DC promoters, and honestly speaking, I talked to the DC Habesha crew last night at Portico for a long time. Promoting ain’t easy, and it’s a dog eat dog world. I wish there was a place for Hebret in the scene, but it’s just too cut throat to think that all the DC promoters will sacrifice one night to have a party together. Each night is a potential to lose your clientele for good and there is no incentive. Besides, I blame us—the clients—we don’t care about Hebret so why should we expect the promoters to care about Hebret. Na’mean?! All we care about is how sexy the girls look and how strong the Yohannes Aramaji is. So no bro ham, this ain’t happening, better play the lotto instead—and if you win, I want 10% eshi anonymous.
Q: Two friends of mine were having a heated debate about why Habeshas look the way we do…one argued its simply bc we’re “blessed” however the other side argued its bc of migration and added historical facts to back up his argument. Why do some Habeshas look Indian or Asian….why do some have soft curly/wavy hair while others have kinky/coarse…and although we all look different we still look Habesha…What’s your take on this? –Megdi, VA
BC: To be honest, I am not sure why we have such big foreheads and big eyes. Here is my DOPE theory, our ancestors used to play futbol (soccer) before soccer was invented in the West, and we used to be the best testa (header) takers. So over centuries, we developed big foreheads in order to protect our chinkila and in order to score more goals. As for the big eyes, I think it is because we used to play soccer at night time, thus our eyes got really big so that we would be able to see the ball and stop running into the goal posts (two shirts always 5 feet apart). I’m still doing some field research on this issue to make sure I have it right, but I am meto gena certain that my DOPE theory is correct. Oh right, forgot you said why we look Asian? Now on that one I don’t know, I spent too much time focused on the big forehead and eyes theory and have not done field research yet on why we look Indian. I gather it is because we were part Cush, and India a long time ago used to be part of Africa. Thus, a lot of Ethiopians, Eritreans, Sudanese, Somali and Djebouti people have certain similar traits. Now what I really want to know is how the heck did the women in America get such big booties!! Good gawd! I am looking for some research assistants to figure this one out Megdi, would you be interested in volunteering for this DOPE study. Don’t worry, you will be in good hands sis, besides you are doing this for Ethiopia not me eko:: Eshi, we will discuss over wine the day after I am done consoling Mimiye eshi.
Q: What makes someone a HABESHA?!!! – Asia, Jobe
BC: Sigh! You have been talking to Ellal aydel Asia? See this sewoch, this is another example of how the emails should not look like in the future eshi:: Asia, ehete, next time, please put some life into the questions. You know, like Mimi and Megdi did. But to answer your question, hmmmm, lets see. We are always 3 hours late, we eat too much tire tsega, we never drink Gingerale and Coke unless it came directly from the can or bottle (we don’t do the soda dispenser EVER!). We also swear that Baklava was invented by Ethiopians, all our fathers and uncles drive Taxis, we eat dirkosh and Injera by itself. We like to do eskista competition as if we were extras in Michael Jackson “Beat It” video. Our women swear they are 25 when they are 35+, the guys swear they aer 5’11.5” when they are really 5’7”. Oh man, I can keep this going forever, see what happens when you give me an open ended question. Next time Asia, give me a longer comment question, eshi Asia, stop being such a Habesha eko::
Q: Why are folks waiting on a government handout? Don’t they know we hold the power to change our country’s fortune and future? –Alicia, VA
BC: Dude, New Gingrich, why the hell are you emailing the Habesha Mailbag pretending to be Ethiopian or whatever nigga? First off, you had your ass handed to you yesterday by Mittens, second, your wife looks like scary ass inflatable doll except it is her that has to blow you in order to inflate your ego, and third you look like my left scrotum. As far as your question “Alicia” Gingrich, folks are not waiting for handout. It is easy for people like you and me with jobs, education, and stable parents to not look for “handouts”, but for those who were not privy to parents, an education system, and grew up in crime ridden areas, the least we can do is give them a hand up. Besides, if memory serves me correctly, the US government owes African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule”, so fuck the food stamp, they need to give all African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule” adjusted for inflation. And no Habeshoch, we will not be entiteled to this….oohhhhh…now you want to claim you are black all the sudden aydel. Nope nope, this shall be reservd for African-Americans only who can claim ancestors back to slavery. Which means that I need to go to Bmore tonight and marry me a hood chic, I am pretty sure I can get one, I’ll just offer her a black and mild and a dinner at a sea food joint. What, you are offended Gingrich?? You are the same one that said that Palestinians were an “invented” people. OK I’m done with you Newtiye, on to the next question.
Q: What do you think about interracial relationships?? Especially habesha ppl dating non-habesha ones? –Habeshafro, Los Angeles
BC: I highly discourage it unless you try dating me first. Hi, I’m Teddy, you have my email addy. Here is where I am hoping Habeshafro is a girl and not a guy. Stay tuned, if I get an email with subject header “Hi Boo Boo” from Habeshafro, I know I would have just encountered a big #FAIL
Q: Why do habesha women try to act like they are goodie girls and say things like? Ye Bet lij Negn (I dont leave the house) and Pente Negn (I am Religious) I think they say this to cover up their dark side so no one will say anything bad about them. But these chicks are the craziest, and you see them at all the parties, and every restaurant. This is real talk! -Anonymous, somewhere in PA
BC: Actually this guy wanted me to use his name, but he is a young guy with a bright future, I did not want him attacked by 15 Habesha women and get his eye balls scratched out by their finger nails. So I chose to keep him anonymous. Now as far as your question El—I mean anonymous. My first instinct was to say it is because they are nothing but teases who love and live to give Habesha men worldwide one big collective blue balls. But the truth of it is that we—us Ethiopian and Eritrean men—are assholes. We get mad at our women for not giving it up, but the second we do, we go out and spread shit about them, calling them sluts and whores. It’s really fucked up if you think about it, I have seen countless women get destroyed because some dude went out and told his boys that she was a slut and she gave it up—and most of the time that nigga is lying. So I don’t blame them for saying the things they do, we are to blame. Ummm…ladies, just so you know, I—Teddiye—never kiss and tell and even if you are a big old freak, that will be our little secret eshi nefse::
Q: What is up with the shitty service that Ethiopian restaurants give? Why is it that I always have to beg for more Injera all the time? I went to a restaurant one time by myself and I ordered a doro wot. Now mind you, I went to the same restaurant on a date the day before and ordered the same thing and the doro wot came out with only two pieces of doro in it. For sure I was pissed, but did not say anything and me and my date found ourselves rationing the doro. The next day, I ordered the same thing and this time the plate came out, and it only had one piece of doro! I asked the waitress why I only had one doro and she said it was because there was only one person eating. I asked her if the price was the same and she shook her head yes. Really, you charge me the same effin price yet I get one less one chicken?? What should I do next time Brown Condor? Why do they act like this? -Teddiye, Alexandria
BC: Wow Teddiye, you sound like an articulate, smart, good looking, and amazing guy all around. I think that Mimi and Megdi should jump all over you bro, I see I have some competition on my hands. Now as far as your question, I have observed this myself. I think it is because most Ethiopian restaurants—with the exception of the ones I frequent—suck balls when it comes to customer service. I am not even sure if customer service exists in our dictionary, and if it does I am sure the owners think that they are the customers and we are their waiters. But at the end of the day, if we accept shitty service and continue to patronize restaurants who treat us with Clasless service, we are to blame. So, next time you get 1 piece of Injera for four people and you sit there and decide to divide the Injera one gursha at a time and refuse to speak up, well then, don’t come over here and submit questions to me complaining after z fact. Gebah wendem::
Q: How come Ethiopian men don’t believe in oral sex? I mean they eat gursha all day but yet when it comes to having a real gursha, they refuse to go down south! What is up with that Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Arlington
BC: Besma’am! Anche balege!! Wuy gud. Ummmmm..mejemera, do you practice what you preach? I mean, do you also take gursha as you give gursha? Secondly, you know what, I can’t go on with this topic, I will utterly ruin my credibility if I do. We will discuss this off line sis, ummm, after consoling Mimi today, then discussing business with Megi tomorrow, how is your calendar looking for Sunday anonymous. Let’s talk eshi
Q: I approached an Eritrean girl once and I asked her if she was Ethiopian. She smacked me in my chinkila and kicked me in my balls! What did I do wrong Brown Condor! -Thomas, Chicago
BC: Getting close
Q: If you drink atmit while you are wearing a Gabi on your couch and you are a 40+ year old man, does this mean secretly you want to move to Atlanta and you want to compliment women on their shoes and call them boo boo? -Hiwot, London
BC: Getting even closer
Q: I hear that in Addis, they think Gchat is something that hard core Ethiopian gangstas chew to get high, is this true Brown Condor? – Becca, Addis
BC: Yep, these are my readers!
Well this concludes the first ever inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Hopefully you enjoyed it. If you did, and depending on the reception and the amount of questions I receive for next week, I will do another Habesha Mailbag next week. If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 2.0. Esger Estelene sewoch!
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[Tomorrow @ Teatro with my homie Meron Meron Alemayehu, you know who she is, click pic or follow her @iammeron]
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Teddy Fikre
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