Essence of DOPE
Posts tagged Asmara
Habesha Mailbag 7.0
271 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Habesha Mailbag 7.0
Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor. I kind of figured that would be the case once I got my readers involved::
by Teddy Fikre written: March 9th, 2012
Man oh man, it’s about that time. My email inbox is flooded like the Moses era and it look like Brown Condor is the only ark around. For now no cover charge sewoch, gen soon enough I will start being greedy eko:: Anyway, step on in, I will let all females in for free in the front with me but the dudes will not be allowed in the cockpit, there is only one cock allowed in the cockpit and that would be mine, gen there is more than enough room for my big foreheadiye setoch.
Anyway, I will have to admit, I am still hungover from partying last night with this stripper named @smartstripper at Stadium last night. Put it this way, I made it zinab nefka and birrs all night last night, hopefully @smartstripper will not be pissed off that the 10,000 nafkas I gave her is really worth $1.05. buahahahahah 
Never trust Ethiopians and Eritreans I say, especially Guragayes Now…since I am still hungover, I am about to Somali pirate some shit from last week…here goes!
Now, before I delve into this kaka topics, let me first give a shout out as I always do to my man, the inspiration behind Habesha Mailbag, none other than Bill Simmons. Now this is where I cut and paste the homage from last week because my etats are about to fall off from all this typing. Call this “Habesha Energy Conservation. Ready? Bill Simmons is the reason I started Habesha Mailbag, to be honest, I am taking the whole format from Bill, I guess you can say that I Somali Pirate hijacked his style, but hey, if you think that Bill did not Somali Hijack someone else’s style, just keep in mind that his webpage is called www.grantland.com and Grant was the name of a famous Sports reporter from Boston, so you see, all things come full circle and piracy after all is not such a bad thing—as long as you acknowledge who you pirated from and in return pave the way for a future Sports Guy or Brown Condor. Damn I just Somali hijacked my own words—pretty impressive Teddisho, you can now claim Teddy Fikre as your Somali victim #134::
Now before I go too far into the question and answer sessions, I will take a small moment to put on my sports pundit hat in honor of Sportsguy33 himself. Eshi, let me get to the sports section:: Ready? Here goes::
OK, I’m done Somali hijacking myself from last week. Now this is me putting on my sports pundit hat sewoch:: I proffer the following points:
The team that will win the ESFNA soccer contest—nah son not that Al Amoudi backed bullshit KKK convention in DC but the real one in Dallas—will be the Washington DC team. How ironic, the DC team will be attending the real ESFNA soccer tournament while a bunch of KKK woyane boot licking Arab dick sucking Habesha sellouts will be at RFK stadium clapping and tap dancing for that Arab boot licking sellout named Al Amoudi. #IRONIC! Anyway, Dallas will come in second because Ethiopians in Dallas have adapted to the humidity and can run in split pea soup like as if they were named Abebe Bekile! Damn it’s humid in Dallas! How humid? It’s soooo humid that Ethiopian women leave a bowl of raw chicken, shinkurt (onions) and mitmita on the window sill in the morning and by lunch time they have doro wot ready to eat!! Now that’s humid!
OK, on to z mailbag eko::
Q: Ante woyane asshole, do you have a bottle of Neiva to spare, ebakih eski seten ante Satan! –Nitro Ethiopians aka Ethiopianwiwi, Dubia
BC: Sigh! You again you bitch made fuck. Damn you are persistent! Dude you jerk off more than a 12 year old 7th grader. Seriously son, you are 47 years old nigga, how many more sperm you going to kill in your kalsi ante dummy! Anyway you broke back habesha, keep it up you hear, you are a great foil and you keep people laughing at your dumb ass for days. PS open z window, your bed room in your mom’s house smells like the dressing room of Stadium night club. Yuuck you are disgusting, ugly, 5’4” and you look like Meles Zenawi. Now wonder your bitch ass is still a virgin leka.. POOF! Done with you, on to the next!
Q: Yo Teddisho, who are the top 5 most beautiful Ethiopians/Eritreans in DC? –Ellal, Philadelphia, PA
BC: Oh man, now this is a betam arif question Ellicho! Let’s see, here is my list::
1) Teddy Fikre (whatever I am placing myself first)
2) Brown Condor (yup I’m arrogant with it)
3) Bati Restaurant in Falls Church (yup I’m a self promoting asshole always)
4) Listen Vision (again self promoting my new radio show on Listen Vision starting next Thursday at 9:00 PM at -> http://listenvision.com/index.html
5) Meron Alemayehu @iammeron on twitter (ummm number 5 changes on a minute by minute basis until I find the one that will take my last name….you best believe that if Meron becomes Meron Fikre she will be number one on this list
Q: Teddy yo nigga, you are one of the smartest dudes I know. Seriously, if you took more time focusing on the positive and working towards channeling your energy on building instead of reverting to your King Kong bullshit ways, you would be filthy rich and successful like no other. It’s your choice, have other people laugh at you as you continue to lash out at unknown trolls or have the whole world bow down to you as you make a difference of consequence. Your choice, choose wisely. –Nate the Governor Tilahun, Washington DC
BC: Damn, you are right Natzo, I know I am my own greatest enemy eko:: Some shit that I am working through, maybe pain from my childhood, maybe cause I miss my father Fikre or cause I miss my mother Sara. It’s cool though, this is what happens when one lives his/her life as an open book on Facebook and Twitter. But you are meto gena (100% I said it) right on this my nigga, I need to channel my energy towards the positive and avert my eyes from the odium that hateful trolls throw my way. I know the plight of those who climb ladders is that for every notch they climb, there will be assholes clutching at their ankles to pull them back down. I am learning my nigga, I am learning. See you tonight at Portico and tomorrow at Mood Lounge on 9th & L st NW. Peace!
Q: Dude I am very disappointed with you Teddiye! We had a four hour talk two weeks ago and it seemed that you were making progress. Then I go away for one weekend to NY and I come back to see you reverting back to your bullshit ways cussing out women and saying some of the most vile and disgusting things. Yeah yeah I know you were just responding to their hatred with your King Kong and Mossad bullshit techniques. What am I going to do with you Teddy, you are a hard head, should I just give up trying to save you from yourself? –Mike Endale (BLEN) Washington, DC
BC: OK OK…yikirta eko! I get what you and Nate are telling me eko Mikee! I will change cause my King Kong tactics are getting older than a 40 year old irgo and a 36 year old Habesha ehet! (buahahahah whatever you both laughed at that shit, and this does not constitute King Kong or MOSSAD tactics, I will always laugh no matter what beunet. Anyway, just sit back and watch me and see if I don’t change my ways meto gena and if I mess up hit me with a kirkum like my father Fikre (RIP) used to eshi!
Q: Brown Condor please, just go fuck yourself. Lmao! –Tehetna G. aka @tihitnaxoxo on twitter, Chilies near you
BC: What the fuck did you just say you…oh..right right Mike and Nate…you are watching me aydel? Sigh, why the hell did this big foreheadiye not post that email to me before Mike and Nate did?? That way, I could have blasted her gebena forheadiye and then listened to the advice of Mike and Nate and changed my ways! Sigh! You are lucky meto gena Tehetna, you just escaped my King Kong fists from pummeling you on Facebook and twitter and in the process would have placed your name on first page of Google! Thank Mike Endale and Nate Tilahun and friend them on Facebook yene hode, they are the angels that saved you from the wrath of Teddisho for sho!
Q: Who broke my gebena? – @Habeshamazer on twitter somewhere in zis United States
BC: I don’t know habesha mazer yene gebena foreheadiye! Do you mean who broke my gebena as in your forehead?? Do you mean yene gebena as in your pot you make buna in? Or do you mean your gebena as in your p___y aka someone just took away your virginity?? Ende, how can that be you have children eko:: Unless you are the virgin Mary in which case ehete, I am betam sorry and I will start praying to you and following you on twitter. DOH! I can’t cause you have me blocked. But guess what nefse, I bet you this come back to you in the next 20 minutes…ready, get set, go! Imagine, all you have to do is unblock me on twitter and follow me and maybe even send me a tweet and you will no longer be my foil eko:: Until then, every week, I will take one of your tweets and make you the butt of my jokes…and trust me you have a big old butt, most Ethiopian women after z age of 35 have QITS the size of Bole and Asmara combined. Wey gud Habesha QIT, when yall sit around Merkato, you literally sit your asses around Merkato! Buahahahahh lol
[click pic to see Habesha Mazer the Mazer of all Big Foreheadoch and follow her on twitter @habeshamazer[
Q: Teddisho, boy please! My mother was former Miss Ethiopia. Rated one of the most beautiful! Don't hate 
–Rekik Netsanet, @Rekikye on twitter Washington DC
BC: Ummmm TQE which means BRB ie Tinish Qoyich Emetalew, let me check to see how DOPE you enat is…
[click to see who this beautiful woman gave birth to]
Ummm you are right Rekikye your mom is DOPE than Google! Wey gud, in zis case the shenkora did not fall far from z shenkora tree! Your mom is meto gena beautiful! Wow look at her forehead, I can see in it the thought of Eyesus! My gawd, she is beautiful just like you, you know what though, even though my mom was not Miss Ethiopia, Sara Shewangizaw was just as beautiful as your mom eko:: Check out her picture below
[click to see who this beautiful woman gave birth to]
Q: Is your status about Eritrean pronouncing words with an HHHHH and Nafka political or are you just making fun of Eritrean accent? – Anonymous, Vancouver, BC
BC: My God anonymous, are Eritreans always so flipping sensitive?? Damn yall got your own country, your own money, your own flag, your own language and your own borders mish? So why are yall more sensitive than a 40 year old Habesha woman like @habeshamazer going through meno pause!?! I mean damn, take a minute to pause and just chill meto gena eko:: Seriously, I joke everyone including Eritreans, and whatever I have a scar of Eritrea on my wrist so that makes me Eritrean mish? Now chillax and give me hamushto!
Q: With respect to your offer to take me out for a date and jug o’ wine Teddisho, unfortunately z answer is NO, gen I love you boo! –Hanna Tadesse, (BLEN) @hannatadesse on twitter Washington, DC
BC: Sigh, what else is new boo boo, you always say NO to Teddisho! Why do you think I call you HanNO! Dag, you say no more than @habeshamazer says no when guys ask her for her qutur. But I can see why Habesha Mazer says embi, I mean she is 40 years old, going through meno pause, her uterus has arthritis, and she is the mozer of Jesus Christ the second. What is your sebib anche cocob? My god, eko, you are betam selective. But don’t say no too much, in a few years boo boo you might be z age of Habesha Mazer eko:: anyway I love you too boo boo…I am having Dominos Pizza deliver pizza to you ahun::
Q: Hi, I’m Teddy! –Samuel Getachew, Toronto, Canada
BC: Sigh! What did I tell you about using Brown Condor intellectual property ante lij? Keep it up you pork kitfo eating Canadian, I will get my Falasha attorney to sue the pants off your ass! Or is that Habesha kemis you are wearing at zis moment! Anyway, be warned my nigga, I am about to give you z Al Amoudi treatment very soon ante Addis Leba of Canada!
Q: Well the article does hold some truth (#Obama2012) .The Back bone of US policy does involve the semi destruction of many nations and they extend beyond Africa, to South America, Asia as well as some eastern European nations. However not all the dealing…s are conducted and or result with the same diabolical plot and action. The US will deal with virtually any and every national affair there is to be dealt. So to simply assess US’s stance toward Africa and the rest of the world as that of Lucifer is somewhat unreasonable and reasonably insane. As for the tears of your readers, I don’t think they care who is behind the whole thing. A torture child in any other name is still a torture child. We could sit here and boggle over the head of the food chain that supported the man who led the man who trained the man who went to town and tortured the children. They cry for what they saw. Would they forget tomorrow? Sure. So does a person who goes to the funeral of someone they know and cry his heart out only to be at a bar a few days later and moving on with life. That is not crocodile tears by definition but rather a simple way of life. Joy and Pain, Sunshine, and Rein. But I did like the article none the less. –Nebyu Fekadu Sesero, nebyuf@yahoo.com, Somewhere on this planet
BC: Nuff said! You are DOPER than Google!
Q: Puhleeeeeze! (with respect to #Obama2012 article). Douglas Reimel, doug.reimel@gmail.com, Rockville, MD
BC: Now this is the opposite of Nebyu’s feedback, you are lamer than @sarahpalin, let me guess, you are a beautician and you are originally from Atlanta boo boo. Sigh! What oh what do they put in Atlanta water? I am never ever ever ever going to drink ATL water, one sip and it will turn Teddisho into Teddra! EEN!
Q: Hi Teddisho, I am thinking about zis invention, let me know what you think eshi nefse! My idea is to patent a triangular hat that Habesha women can wear when it is windy. Zat way, when they are walking into the wind, their foreheads will be aero dynamic instead of acting like a sail of a ship! What do you think of this DOPE shit! –Fana at Devine, Alexandria, VA
BC: Ut oh! We are getting close…
Q: Hi Teddisho, I am a 45 year old Habesha woman, I tried to sign up for twitter to follow you @browncondor but Twitter rejected me with an error message that read “Sorry, you have been denied because your uterus has arthritis”! I am betam meto gena pissed off, can you start a campaign to protest twitter, especially since this month if Woman’s History Month! – Habesha Mazer aka @habeshamazer on twitter, somewhere in zis United States.
BC: Getting even more closer…
Q: Hi Brown Condor, I ran out of my 20th bottle of Nivea for this week and my mom will not give me more allowance so I can’t buy any more bottles until next Saturday, ebakihe ante woyane, can you please start a “Brokeback Habesha Nivea Hebret” campaign so I can have enough birr to buy 20 more bottles that will last me the rest of the night? –Nitro Ethiopian aka Ethiopiawiwi, Dubai
BC: Yuppers! These are my readers eko::
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 8.0. Degmo tweet @habeshamazer and ask her how her arthritic uterus is going and tell her that @browncondor say alo and to unblock me if she wants me to stop joking on her . Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
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As you are aware of any businesses or promoters who are in any way affiliated with ESFNA One, please email info@browncondor.com and let me know their company name, phone number, email, and another relevant information. Please keep in mind that this boycott/strike is against Companies and not individuals. This website does not support any actions taken to injure specific people who might be affiliated with ESFNA One. The only person who will be specifically called to the carpet and has been is Al Amoudi, and I have done sufficient enough time dressing him back into his butler uniform. So as you send me the emails, please only mention companies who are affiliated with ESFNA One and not specific people. Forward the names of these companies to me as you find them and I will eviscerate their business model one by one and teach them not to sleep with Ebola infected hyenas. Ena Meseginalew!
Author
Teddy Fikre[click to view profile]
[click pic to follow us on twitter or follow us @browncondor]
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#OBAMA2012
172 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Obama is not the serpent, he is the byproduct of a capitalistic system that seeks to destroy hope in Africa killing millions of children in mass graves of genocide::
by Teddy Fikre written: Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
Oh shucks, here we go again, twitter is all a twitter with 1,000,000 latte sipping liberals from San Francisco and Harvard fretting about this fella named Kony that up until it trended on twitter no one knew about. Oh shit, here goes 200,000 Facebook status updates bemoaning the fate that has befallen Uganda and the poor children that are dying at the hands of this international criminal. You know what galls me meto gena, fake ass crocodile tear jerking jerks who jump on the bandwagon based on a manufactured outrage without knowing shit about the subject or understanding the context and the content behind the shit they are decrying.
So it is time for me to step into the breach of blissful ignorance and shed light on this subject that only 10% of twitter and Facebook addicts knows shit about. After 11,000,000 hits on youtube on twitter about this monster named Kony, I decided to put down my inertia and speak truth to power. So let me ask you a question to all you crocodile tear jerking jerks, who is the boss of Kony? Who do you think manufactured Kony, who do you think supplies him with his AK47s and the funds that enable him to create mass genocide against children who are barely old enough to start first grade in America? Who do you think is the wizard behind the curtains that creates monsters like Kony in Uganda and all of Africa. Who are the dealers of death that empower Meles Zenawi, Isayas Afwerki and hundreds of other imps in Africa who continue to kill without limits?
Go ahead Google that shit in between your sips of latte and Biscotti…
Are you back yet? Did you finish your latte and finish crying your bullshit crocodile tears? Did you finish your biscotti and your deferred outrage yet? So do you have the answer? No? The answer of course traces itself back to 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue, to 10 Downing St, to Israel, Moscow, and Beijing. The answer resides in Washington DC and not in Uganda. The problem exists in the Western capitalists and not in Africa. Shocked? Did you spit up your cafe latte? Do you want me to wait while you go get a refill? Nah, let me keep pushing on. You see, Uganda is a symptom of a wider disease that is Western colonialism. Did you really think that colonialism ended in the last century?
Did you really think that the exploitation of Africa and the enslavement of Africans was a thing of history? Nigga and white folk please, you are exploiting Africa at this very moment by sipping that coffee—the very coffee that was robbed from Africa and shipped to the West a fraction of pennies on the dollar while your ass is sipping a cup for $5.00 a cup from Starbucks. You are a part of a master system that is killing and enslaving millions of Africans without even knowing it. So while you cry your crocodile tears into your empty cup of latte, just realize that the very cup you are crying in holds in it the blood of 10,000,000 Ugandans and 800,000,000 Africans from Kampala to Addis, to Asmara to Lagos and beyond!
Let me tell you now this game is played. See, every ten years or so, the west (CIA, Mi6, MOSSAD, etc) identifies a lonely African out of the power system to become the next dictator of Africa. They then funnel him and his cadre billions in arms and “AID” and enable that imp to form a coup d’etat against the current government. The current government is then labeled outlaws and criminals, the new dictator takes over the capital and ousts the existing power structure. The new leader is now hailed by the West as the new Messiah of Africa. Of course this Messiah owes the West billions in royalties, he signed over the wealth of that country to the West in return to be protected from another coup d’etat. The new leader firmly plants his impromptu onto the people of his country, he changes the flag up and puts some bullshit blue star on the flag and changes the national anthem. He installs a new cadre of civil servants from his tribe and closes the door of opportunity shut for anyone that does not belong in his clan. This vicious cycle is played out for 25 years, all the while the West robbing Africa blind and funneling billions in “AID” and shipping in millions of AK47s that keeps African nations in bondage and mass graves.
The all the sudden maybe the dictator who was backed by the CIA and MOSSAD decides to get a little big for his britches. Maybe he gets enlightened and decides that he can no longer commit genocide against his own people. Maybe he decides to reach out to China to get a better deal for his natural resources. Then BAM! A movement is started, the CIA, MI6, and MOSSAD initiate psychological warfare to dethrone the current king and install a new puppet that they can twist and turn for their own purposes. It’s the monster of the west that terrorizes the people of Africa, yet they purport that its puppets that demonizes the people while they import the jewels of Africa for pennies on the dollar. Then the people die and wither on the vine, so NGOs swoop in to “save” the starving children while IMF and World Bank parachute in to tie up the monetary system of the indebted country and demand that puppets of Africa divest in their people and instead pay the interests of “loans” made to these African nations. You see, while they drop rice from helicopters from the sky, they are stealing rubber, cocoa, diamonds, gold, oil and bananas (to name but a few) out in other helicopters. Now I see Black Hawk Down from a whole other perspective—crazy how truth can be bent by a block buster movie aydel?
So here is my advice to you, fuck your crocodile tears, fuck your Lilly while liberal demented pity, fuck your trending tweets and your bullshit Facebook status updates that will disappear quicker into the ether than the bullshit tears you cried over Haiti three years ago—oh yeah remember that bullshit trending tweet about #IAMHAITI. You fuckers really gall me, I swear if you really mean the shit you type in between your sips of your Starbucks latte and your sweet sweet biscotti while driving a Maserati, you would put down your iPAD and your iMacs and march down to the White House and march against the Koty named Obama. Alas, I am a Hopemonger myself, no one can question my loyalty to Barack, shit I wrote three lines of his Yes We Can speech in 2008. To be honest, Obama is not the serpent, he is the byproduct of a capitalistic system that seeks to destroy hope in Africa while killing millions of children in mass graves of genocide in the process.
Alas, I fear your asses have turned your attention to American Idol while African idols by the name of Koty continue to massacre my people by the millions in between commercial breaks for $5.00 cups of latte at Starbucks. Fuck it, I don’t even know why I am shouting at brick walls like you, I will soon get labeled a conspiracy theorist and who knows the CIA might start tapping my phone and following me on twitter. Who knows, in a few months my ass might get renditioned to Gitmo for daring to speak the truth and I will be vilified on Fux news for being the enemy to the people of the United States.
This is the plight of truth tellers, the plight of those who cry black ink thoughts through their pens while those who cry tears of bullshit nothingness like you get lauded as a trending twitter champions. Fuck it, I’m done, I am going back to reading Assat Shakur and educating my mind while eradicating my memory of the bullshit that Lilly white professors taught me—meanwhile you will never understand that Obama = Koty. The sad shit is the Obama promised hope and change in 2008 and I swallowed it fully, 3 years later more of the same! Sigh, what choice do I have but to vote for the status quo in 2012. YICHALAL! Peace!
“A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa.” ~Mark Zuckerberg
[click to see how the WAR GAME is played in Africa]
[click to see K'Naan break it down and see how This Is Africa]
[click to see hear the speech that I wrote 3 lines of meanwhile Aychalem Africa!]
[click to see Genocide sponsored by CIA, MI6, MOSSAD and other bullshit acronyms]
MOMENT OF LEVITY
I asked this question of twitter and facebook:
Me: “Kony is to Africa as ______ is to America::”
EllsBells: “Teddy”
buahahahhaha That was pretty funny eko yene medosha foreheadiye! But guess what eko, you are not part of this story yene bilicho lol
Elles Bells
[click to see her profile and follow her on twitter @broke_grove]
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Author
Teddy “Ruxpin” Fikre
[click to see TOP Secret File, Ruxpin is his covert name...shhhhhh]
[click pic to follow us on twitter or follow us @browncondor]
We would love to hear your comments/feedback. Also, share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, or print it and give it to your grandmother. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can do so @browncondor
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Habesha Mailbag 5.0
185 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 5.0
Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor. I kind of figured that would be the case once I got my readers involved::
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, February 24th, 2012
Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor. I kind of figured that would be the case, I knew that once I got my readers involved in a give and take, I would be able to leverage their humor and insights and combine that with my Def Comedy Joe Torry like comedy and what will invariably follow would be something as addictive as Kitfo and something as hot as Mitmita.
Programming note, Teddisho this is what happens when you interview Joe Torry on BC radio, you actually get to thinking that you are as funny as Richard Pryor. Your ego is getting mo bigger than an Ethiopian woman’s forehead adyel. Time to calm your Qit down Teddiye.
Anyway, as I always do every week, I lead off by first paying homage and respect to Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy (follow him on twitter @sportsguy33). He is the reason I started Habesha Mailbag, to be honest, I am taking the whole format from Bill, I guess you can say that I Somali Pirate hijacked his style, but hey, if you think that Bill did not Somali Hijack someone else’s style, just keep in mind that his webpage is called www.grantland.com and Grant was the name of a famous Sports reporter from Boston, so you see, all things come full circle and piracy after all is not such a bad thing—as long as you acknowledge who you pirated from and in return pave the way for a future Sports Guy or Brown Condor.
Now, part of my homage to Bill Simmons is to put on my sports pundit hat and take on a particular issue with respect to sports. So this week, I am going to tackle the NFL combines in Indianapolis. To be honest, this Combines thing has always been grating to me. The way they line up football players with only their underwear on and white guys going around poking and prodding mostly African-American males to see which specimen was the strongest or was the quickest, shit it takes me back to the slave trade days. This is exactly how they conducted the slave auctions. I know, you will think that this is an outrageous comparison to make aydel?
I mean how I can compare a soon to be multi-millionaire football player to a slave who picked cotton for free. Easy, because while the average football player washes out after 2.5 years and over their life time are not millionaires, the owners—just like slave owners—are billionaires ten times over. Slavery is always relative, I make more money today than 90% of white folks did 200 years ago, but compared to educated white masses in America, I am still considered middle class. Money does not determine freedom in a vacuum; it has to be taken into consideration relative to the relative wealth of the overall population. What you thought I was going to talk Xs and Os, come on, you know I will always find a way to make a mundane matter controversial and create a dialogue in the process. Now…on to the readers.
Q: Hi asshole. –Nitro Ethiopians, London, England
BC: Whut the Leb(censored). Selam Qitam.
Q: When is an appropriate time to yell out “fuck it! thug life! i’m about that guap!” in the middle of a staff meeting and walking out? –Anonymous, Washington DC
BC: Well it depends yene big foreheadiye (this is where I am hoping you are a girl because I don’t call guys anything starting with a yene) anyway, it depends how much money you have saved up, how much capital you have amassed, do you have a revenue stream that can replace the revenue that you will be losing as a result of quitting your gig? Baring all that, do you have a shenkora mama or daddy that can take care of your bills? I mean what are your plans before you say “I’m about that Guap” and bounce? Cause if you don’t have a plan my nicca or nicctress, your paradigm will be shifted meto gena and your ass will be sleeping on dark lit corners like my man Ray on Pennsylvania Ave NW. Think about it before you do something rash yene wendem (ok I can say Yene to a guy but only with the word wendem) or yene ehete eshi bilicho::
Q: I say fuck, shit, ass, hell, damn, pussy, dick and all kinds of filthy words in English, but beunet, I cannot say ONE curse word in Amharic. When I try my body shakes and I just can’t do it. Why is this Brown Condor? –Selam, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
BC: Oh snap! I know exactly what you mean, that is such bullshit. For example the Amharic word for fuck starts with an L, the Amharic word for pussy starts with a E, the Amharic word for dick starts with a C and the Amharic word for shit is …well this one is not bad, it is kaka. Now just thinking of those words made me go smoke a cig and wash out my mouth with Palmolive. Now before I lose 275 of my followers on twitter and half my audience, let me get meto gena deep with this answer. You see, I think the issue is that of Ethiopians having their growth stunted by their elders. I know, now you really think I am an “Ibd” but hear me out. You see, as children we were always told to be quiet and not to be heard. We were guilt tripped into not being overly expressive and to mind our matters. This incessant lecture to be “good lijoch” and senestrat has it’s positive sides, for the most part, Ethiopians respect our elders and love our parents. But it has a bad side too though, that of having to hide shit from our parents and feeling like we always have to be kids in front of our elders. I know straight up alcoholics who refuse to take even a sip of wine in front of their parents but will head out to a local Habesha party and consume more alcohol than a Russian mixed with a Cherokee Indian. I would advise you to say fuck it and act how you want to act, I would say to say Leb(ugg I can’t do it). Sigh I am trapped by this kaka too.
Q: Why do you have so many followers? Get your church up homie. –Nahom, Pennsylvania
BC: Nahom ante dedeb, you trying to be funny? I only have 275 followers yet meanwhile a jigaboo like @souljaboy has 3.5 million followers. But that is the thing about twitter, you have to build up your clientele slowly, I would rather add one person a day than reach out to some marketer to get me 1 million over night. I would rather have tigist so that all my followers love me instead of acting like @newtgingrich and paying a company to get 1 million follower—80% of whom hate his fucking guts. So 275 is just about right, but I bet by the end of this year, I will be up to 10,000 followers. Want to bet me 4 bags of Qwanta Nahom?
Q: Your favorite restaurant is Laco Melza, really? Why the hell do you like a restaurant that is name after an Italian word. What are you a shifta? Why did they use an Italian restaurant to name their restaurant, what are they Eritrean? -Anonymous, Alexandria, VA
BC: Hmmm, ok tell you what, I will call a general strike against Laco Melza when Ethiopians stop driving a Mechina, when they stop eating Salata, when they stop shopping at Merkato, and when they stop licking Jolati. Deal? Until that day comes, Laco Melza will continue to be my favorite Restaurant and you can catch me there this weekend. PS your middle name is Angelo from your email signature by the way, does this mean you are a shifta??
Q: Brown Condor, I have size big A to small B cup breasts, my boyfriend wants me to get breast implants and have my breasts be a size C or D. He puts pressure on me on a daily basis to do so and I am thinking about granting his wishes and paying $5,000 to get the implants. I just wanted to get your thoughts on this before I make a final decision. What do you say Brown Condor. –Hiwot, Dallas, Texas
BC: Well I know one thing , I can call your big foreheadiye, but I can never call you big tuto aydel Hiwot. : ) No on a serious note, this is actually kind of deep. Let me tell it to you this way, if your boyfriend does not love you the way that God made you, then leave his ass. Better yet, tell him that you will get breast implants when he decides to go first and get a dick implant. Let’s see how he feels about that yene tinish tutoye. Seriously, don’t ever try to please a man by changing how you look. A man should like you as you are, I mean what would he do if you had breast cancer and they had to do a mastectomy? What would he do, live you for a pair of bigger tits? Next time he tells you to change how God made you, give him your middle finger and tell him to lebdeh himself (oh wow I must have gotten really mad, did I just cuss in Amharic, let me go smoke a cig and wash my mouth out). Sigh. Anyway, inbox me yene tinish tuto, I will be a meto gena better boyfriend than him and I like the itty bitty committee ehetoch. (Teddish, really, back to flirting with your readers again, try it on more time and see what happens ante gagama!)
Q: Teddiye, when was the last time you had sex you banda, you seem like a 37 year old virgin who is frustrated, maybe you should get a hooker. –Real Habesha, Baltimore, MD
BC: Funny you say this, actually the last time I had sex was with a hooker and it was last night. Ask your mom, it was her eko:: <- MOSSAD Tactics
Q: You keep saying that Guragaye people have big calf muscles and that we can jump high, as a Guragaye I resent this statement. You seem intent on dividing Ethiopians, you are an ass. –Mikkey, Seattle, WA
BC: Really, let me as you a question yene Guragaye, when you wear pants, do you have to cut out a section below your knees on your jeans so your legs can get circulation? When you do Guragenya on the dance floor, do you often get headaches the next day from bumping your head on the ceiling? #CaseClosed Anyway lighten up ante dedeb, I say things like this out of fun. I also make fun of Gonderes (I am Gondere) for example, how can you tell someone is Gondere? Answer: He works at 7-11 but always tells people no one bosses him around! Oh…you laugh at that one but not at jokes when it comes to “your people”. I think I see the seeds of tribalism here…but let’s keep it moving.
Q: It seems that you have built up a real rapport with a lot of the DJs in DC, NY, ATL and Ethiopia; they are always retweeting your tweets and updating their Facebook statuses to tell people to tune into BC Radio. But the promoters don’t mention you at all and some are defriending you I notice. What is that about, do promoters not believe in Hebret, are DJs the only ones who believe in Hebret? –Robel, Atlanta, GA
BC: Wow this is very insightful, thank you Robel. I noticed that as well yene wendem. But first, let me give a shout out to 2 promoters who do believe in Hebret: Neb Foto @nebfoto on twitter and Meron Alemayehu @iammeron on twitter. As far as the promoters, I don’t know, maybe they see me as a threat; maybe they see me as someone that wants to have parties in DC and Addis. I don’t blame them, you have to be always on your toes when it comes to being a promoter. Just remember that the DOPEST promoters today were the ones who were not known by anyone only 10 or 15 years ago, and through hard work and determination, they were able to lockup the party scene in DC and beyond. DJs are not in the same constraint, I mean sure, there is a DJ coming along every two seconds, but for them, the bigger the party pool, the better off they are. So I am not a threat to DJs, I am actually a potential future client. That being said, I do have some DOPE Djs and real friends in my corner. Thus this is the S/o moment (yeah DJs, you ain’t the only ones with mics for shout outs, I got a mic too S/o @djbanti @DJuba1 @DJXLYAFET @djlboogie832 @djarmageddon @DjSixthSense @djRBI @DJGabe_TheDJ @THEREALDJFADE @DawitDckonjo
Q: Hi Brown Condor, my name is Mimi, I am 45 years old but I have a thing for 21 year old habesha guys. If I can ask, sent amete new, do you have a younger brother? I have a Wii video game at my apartment and all you can eat injera ena dabo. Email me eshi nefse. –Mimi, Silver Spring, MD
BC: O_o we are getting close!
Q: I go to sleep with emergency kitfo by my bed and when I hold the long jump record for the state of Virginia, does this mean I am part Guragaye? –Dawit, Richmond, VA
BC: Getting closer
Q: I tried to get on twitter after I read your screed about 35+ year old women not being on twitter, but when I tried twitter rejected me because I tried to put in my age (which is 25 by z way) and it said “weshetam” as the reason I was rejected. What should I do Brown Condor. I really am 25 eko, beunet, I left Ethiopia when the Derg took over in Ethiopia—oops I meant to say I left Ethiopia when the derg fell. Do you believe me Brown Condoriye? –Almaz, Washington, DC.
BC: Yup, these are my readers!
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 6.0. Degmo Email me Hiwot yene tinish tuto (ha got this past the editor). Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Habesha Mailbag
3106 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 2.0
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 3rd, 2012
This is the second edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.
Alright sewoch, endet nachew? Melkam Arb, Happy Friday, I bet you are ready to get the weekend popping after a long week of working. I feel you boo boos (yeah I know that is a bit feminine, but I am making it masculine). Anyway, it’s that time of the week where I interact with my readers and see what we come up with together. I am sure to laugh my Qit off while reading their questions and comments and then laugh my Qit off again while responding—what can I say, I know how to make myself laugh.
Now before we get to the emails. Since this is an article inspired by Bill Simmons, let me take a quick attempt to be a sports pundit. My prediction for the Super Bowl is that the little blue giants (aka the New York Viagra) will lose to the New England Patriots. Final score Patriots 45 Giants 21. Take that to the bank; know how I know, because the New York Viagra are lame, more vagina than anything else. (side note, I know I will lose most of New York from Brown Condor servers, but damn Giants fans, you are New Yorkers, stop being sissy and getting mad at me teasing you boo boos (now that time that did sound feminine).
Now on to the readers, buckle your Brown Condor seatbelts sewoch, the ride is about to get a bit bumpy.
Q: So Teddy, I read about your attempt to help Ray. If it’s a true story, it’s touching. But I have questions and since this is a public page (and some of your recent attacks are directed at Ethiopians as a whole), I felt entitled to put them forward. Here they go: why do you feel so entitled to people’s attention? Do you subscribe to consequentialism (a moral theory) by any chance? Even then…I don’t see a consequentialist who is serious about getting people into charity resorting to your kind of “tactics”. So what’s the deal here…why do you think people should drop everything else and follow your lead? What makes your charity different from the million others out there? You certainly aren’t the first to write about the plight of homeless people; and I am not trying to insult your intelligence by telling you that…it’s just a reminder. And how much do we really know about the personal lives of people we accuse of not caring because they don’t donate to our charities? What about the possibility…even the slightest one…that some may already have other charity commitments? In short, by what authority to do you lash out at people? – Mercy Melesse, Northridge California
BC: Well the story of Ray is 100% true, one thing I do not do is make up stories for publicity. To be honest, most of the things that I do for less fortunate people I rarely publicize. The acts that I take are between the less fortunate, me, and God. Yesterday was the exception because I was foolish enough to believe that I could galvanize other Ethiopians to help out less fortunate folk. I know, I should have played the lotto, getting Ethiopians to believe in Hebret is like getting a horse to drink water. I learned that lesson the hard way when only one person responded to my pleadings to help out homeless people. Now, I am not saying that there are not other kind folk like me who help out less fortunate folk—lord knows there are thousands who do and don’t Facebook about it. However, for the most part, people on Facebook are on some bullshit. They all responded when I posted a picture of an almost white chic transposed over an Ethiopian flag with a corresponding title of Ethiopian Thongs Day and called me all kinds of names. You were one of those responders, but I wonder, instead of debating me for hours on Facebook, why not instead help out the homeless by giving them hope. I have no authority to lash out at anyone; I was just doing my part, ironic though ehete, you are lashing out at me for supposedly lashing out at others. A bit oxymoronic where you stand isn’t it bilicho. Anyway, I am done, you can do what you want to, you can keep debating me on Facebook, or you can actually help someone out who needs it the most. You choose, now back to the mailbag, this is supposed to be funny not an argument with a troll Habesha from California.
Q: Brown Condor, question, condoms or raw dog? –Mimi, Houston, Texas
BC: Bes’ma’am! Ende, how did we go from someone calling me a weshetam to now getting an email about sex advice? Hmmmm…well I have been admonished not to hit on my followers because it is betam unprofessional and it will destroy my credibility. Thus let me answer this question professionally. I am 37 years old and I have no kids, this is not because I believe in the touching my forehead, heart, and shoulders and praying to God as I employ the pull out before too late method. No, I always strap up and I encourage all other dudes to do the same or else you will either have unwanted children with an unwanted woman or end up meeting your death with that bitch named HIV. Ummm Mimi, now how about you fly to Washington DC and next week we can talk about my magnum condoms while drinking Yohannes Aramaji at Portico with the DC Habesha crew. (I tried but damn it, when a woman asks Teddisho about condoms, well I have to respond by saying “Hi, I’m Teddisho”)
Q: Teddy once the revolution comes you will find yourself worthy of being hanged next to Melese at Meskel square. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Nitro you sir are betam amusing to me. I wonder how old you are eko: Seriously, you are probably one of two things: 1) a 17 year old boy who has 40 pimples and is still a virgin or B) a 45 year old man who lives with his mother in London and your only two girlfriends are your right hand and a lotion. Anyway, I plan on going to Addis soon, and Meskel Square will be next to Fikre Avenue in due time. Anyway, I’ve had enough of your “Nitro” you noxious Habesha, on to other readers, put the lotion away you early ejaculator.
Q: Teddy, what are your thoughts about Habesha DJs? Who are your favorite DJs and do you agree that DJ Armageddon is the best DJ in DC? -Helen, Washington DC
Well this one should be an interesting conversation. My three favorite DJs in DC are DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi. All three are amazing with their versalitity. I think DJing is a very underappreciated art and definitely undervalued. DJs, compared to singers and other performers, make chump change. But without a DJ, parties, concerts, clubs would be #DEAD. They should be making thousands upon thousands of dollars, but most make less than $500 for each event. Not bad for one day’s work, but when you consider how much money clubs make from alcohol—most of the time raking in over $100,000 a night of alcoholics, $500 doesn’t seem just. But it’s cool, when I have my Brown Condor party soon enough, I will give my DJs 30% of all proceeds—including alcohol money. So DJ Banti, DJ Underdog, and DJ RBi, get ready to be peeeezaid my niggas! Oh as far as DJ Armageddon, let’s just say the only time I would EVER let Yosef DJ at my Brown Condor Party will be when the Armageddon finally arrives. Even then, I would rather let a 2 cent Disk Jockey DJ for me. I have a long memory of 09.25.09, I forgive at times but never forget. So no, DJ Armaggedon does not belong on my top 1,000,000,000 DJ list Helen. Now, join me tonight at Portico and let’s get down and get up while smoking sheesha. You down? (Teddisho, what the fuck is up with you dedem, stop flirting with your readers aheya before I give you a kurkuma! Yikirta Helen, inbox me eshi:: PS DJ Teddisho is DOPE as hell by the way, you can hear him every day on BC Radio, click play on Ustream screen above to hear DJ Teddisho::
Q: TPLF qemalams are occupiers just like their ancestors the Italians! –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: You again bilicho, I see you ejaculate once every 2 minutes leka. Please wendem, put down z Neiva and go take a cold shower. Wuy gud, ehe tota will not leave me alone. Maybe write about this troll asshole Monday and call it Nitro Troll Assholes. Let me ponder this.
Q: Shall we call you the Facebook version of Jesus hahahaha – Dani Exodus, Chicago Illinois
BC: Oh God, Dani Exodus, for you I feel betam sorry. You see Dani has decided to embark on a mission to get the heart of this DOPE big foreheadiye named Hana Able. But what he does not know is that Hana is a heart breaker. Yours truly knows first-hand; Hanicho had me baking her homemade Tiramisu for her birthday. I spent the whole day on it, 10 hours of baking, and it was the most amazing cake ever. Then I dropped it off, then *cricket cricket*. No phone calls from Hanicho, no text messages, Hanicho boo boo went ghost and had me crying in dark lit corners. Sigh, these Ethiopian women are the death of me betam. Zis is not fair, why could I not be attracted to Japanese women, they are all submissive and bowing down to their men. Ethiopian women do not submit, they just do Guraginya dance and eskista on our hearts. Sigh, time for Yohannes Arimaji to drown away my sadness. Now as far as you Danicho bilicho, you are about to be in a world of hurt broham. I tried to warn you many many many times eko:: But go ahead, do you boo boo (yes this one mos def sounded feminine). You will soon be drinking Yohannes Arimaji with me at Portico drowning away your sadness. Don’t say I did not warn you, I will give you a Brown Condor napkin (my business card) you can clear up your eyes and your snot on my business card neftam::
Q: You are rotting yourself in decadence, better if u knew nothing than have this to contaminate your country ladies with, STOP ayamribihim, and return to your elitism, and do campaigning for Obama or somebody else, that is better -Yetemare Adam Gedelegne, Location, Unknown
BC: Let me guess, you are Nitro Ethiopian’s butt buddy, his Qit Wendem? Jeesh, what is it about Habeshoch in England? Is it the smog, the chips, or Ruppert Murdoch that turns nice Ethiopians into asshole trolls? Ummm Yetemare, put down the lotion, take out Nitro’s dick from your mouth, and go learn some seneserat manners bilicho:: How do you like those elite apples negro?
Q: Every time I eat Injera, my stomach goes into a revolution. Seriously, I get heart burn, I throw up sometimes, and when I poop, my kit turns to fire. Men laderg Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Boston Massachusetts
BC: Oh man, anonymous, I feel the same way broham or sistren. Every flipping time I eat Injera, a Tea Party revolution goes on inside my stomach and then an inferno after that. I don’t know what it is that turns a hopeful gursha into a miserable digestion. I have popped more Pepto Bismol than Whitney has popped Xanax. I think I know the reason though, I think some of the Injera makers in America are on some bullshit. They use beer and Coca Cola in the Injera batter to make it look darker so they could make more money. I wish someone would write an article about this issue! Ding! Idea popped in to my head. Actually, I was going to write about this yesterday until I got distracted by Ray and the Ethiopian Thongs Day King Kong tactics. Maybe next week, but until then, I will try to avoid Injera this weekend (bullshit Teddisho, you know you are going to be eating tibs at Habesha after Portico, don’t fool yourself and your readers ante molkaka::
Q: YEGOBEZIN WODAJ GOBEZ AYNEKATIM YETATAKIN WODAJ TATTAKI AYNEKATIM YEMENDER AWIDELDAY BIYAGEGN AYELEQATIM! –Atse Tewodros II, Washington, DC
BC: I have no idea what you just said you all caps asshole troll but I know it was something pernicious. Whatever it is Qitam, go outside and take a breath and ummmm yeah put down that lotion boo boo.
Q: There isn’t any “real” shit you could possibly post that could make me bat an eye. I have seen it all and heard it all. I’m not going to apologize because this is still a sick idea for a joke. I support your cause and i sympathize with all the people suffering in this world for various reasons. My question is, what did u expect? A cookie? A person who does good things or attempts to do good things in this world doesn’t do it for the glory. They do it for the cause and the solution they could potentially offer. In all honesty, this was a pathetic attempt to get people’s attention. I think YOU should apologize to have to go as far as to degrade your own women to get people’s attention. If you want to have a serious conversation about homeless people, just say so. Don’t go looking for a pathetic excuse such as getting females to show their thongs. Try to educate people by posting about real things; if people want to respond that’s their business, if they don’t then that’s still their business. All you can do is attempt to educate people about the many fucked up things that go on in this world and try to come up with a solution. You went as far as insulting and offending Ethiopian females such as me. For what? To make everyone else look like an ass. You, my friend, just made an ass out of yourself. Like I said before, I didn’t judge you. I don’t even know you. Honestly though, how many people did u miseducate with this ignorant post? Think about it. Niggas who saw this shit will probably walk around tomorrow talking bout “hey girl, lemme see your thong! Don’t you know its Ethiopian thong day???” You did more damage than good. BTW, I checked out the website and like I said I support your cause, BUT i don’t support your tactics. –Sam My, Maryland
BC: I understand your plight Sam My. But just know, I have been at this, trying to get Ethiopians to galvanize for a bigger goal since 2008. I have tried all others seriously, remember Ethiopians for Obama. I tried the non King Kong tactics back then, I traveled to 7 states trying diplomacy and that shit got me nowhere. If I was trying King Kong tactics back then, man I would have been 40 times more successful. This is an education I learned from miseducated Ethiopians, most only pay attention to two things: 1) rumors and innuendo 2) sex. So I adapted to get my message out. I know one thing though, if memory serves me correctly, you did not respond when I first tagged you with the picture of just the homeless man asking you to donate to Ray. You only responded when I tagged on you on that raunchy picture labeled Ethiopian Thongs Holiday. You paid no attention to kind gestures, but I became all King Kong with it, you responded right away. Isn’t that an indictment on you ehete? Doesn’t that say more about your indifference? Why blame the messenger when the message is the thing that got your attention bilicho:: As far as the Ethiopian Thongs Day, just know that was a grimy tactic, I wish other ways could get the attention of Habeshoch. Just know, I love love love Ethiopian women and respect them as Queen of Queens. I was raised by three mothers, my mother and my two sisters. I might tease a lot and call you yene big foreheadiye, but in my heart there is nothing that can take the place of an Ethiopian woman. I would take a bullet for you Sam My, even as you shoot bullets at me. Now beka, no more warring mozaza, let’s have a great weekend, let’s go do eskista, meet me at Portico, I will have a warm seat waiting for you, inbox me eshi (any gegama, what the hell, can you please stop flirting with your readers, it is betam unprofessional negro, beka here comes your kurkuma) *WHAP* OUCH…
Q: Ellal is a Weyane Qemalam with a sprinkle of Islamic fundamentalism on top. He will have you kidnapped and beheaded. You have been warned Mr. Teddy. –Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: My God nitro, three nuts in 20 minutes, you have killed more Ethiopian kids than Dr. Kevorkian. Really wendem, put down z lotion, can you and Yetemare please stop playing Brokeback Mountain Cowboys, and please, quit me already. I am getting tired of your dekama duket words, please go away boo boos, go fly a kite, go eat doro, go to Bole and skip rope, do anything, but please leave Brown Condor alone. Jesus beJesus! Bekan!
Q: My boyfriend wants me to do a 69 with him, but I prefer only an 88, I don’t go down, I just prefer missionary. What should I do Brown Condor? –Konjit, Toronto, Canada
BC: How about you call me and I can be your math instructor inbox me eshi molkaka (ok ok I will stop flirting I promise Teddisho, this is my last time, kahun behwala, professional becha yene hode:: I pinkie promise!
Q: I ran out of Neiva Lotion, what should I do not Brown Condor. Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Not answering this Brokeback Mountain Habesha
Q: My girlfriend thinks that I am really small, but I measured myself and I’m 8 centimeters long, I thought 8 centimeters was the average size Brown Condor. –Tinisih Wee Wee, Atlanta, Georgia
BC: Getting close…
Q: I know this girl who is always doing Guraginya at Starbucks but she denies she is Ethiopian. But she has a big forehead, she smells like shinkurt, and her eyes are as big as Stonehenge. How can I prove that she is Ethiopian? -Mastewal, Maryland
BC: Getting closer…
Q: I am 46 years old and have gone through 40 containers of Nivea lotion in the past three days and I am addicted to online porn. Help Brown Condor, how can I get a real girlfriend? -Nitro Ethiopians, England
BC: Yup, these are my readers.
If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 3.0. Degmo, Nitro Ethiopians, put down the lotion and log off z intertubes ahun before I give you a kurkuma, beka enough porn for you for the day. Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Teddy Fikre
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Habesha Mailbag
0113 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Welcome to the Inaugural Habesha Mailbag
I am launching the Habesha Mailbag with the help of a few friends who lent me their time and creativity to come up with some questions, enjoy the gursha sewoch.
by Teddy Fikre written: Friday, January 27th, 2012
Well the moment has come for the launching of the inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Yes, I have changed with the time, I still don’t like the word Habesha, I prefer to be called Ethiopian. However, the word is not going anywhere, and if it serves as a bridge for Ethiopians and Eritreans to identify with a common name—well who am I to hold a grudge? So going forward, I shall call this the Habesha Mailbag.
So you ask, what is Habesha Mailbag. Well it was influenced by one of the writers I idolize by the name of Bill Simmons. On a weekly basis, Bill would take questions and comments from his readers and then reply back with a wit and humor that would make me literally make me laugh my Qit off as I was reading the article. Grant it, trying to emulate Bill Simmons is a tall order—after all, Bill was a writer for multiple late night comedy shows. But hey, I am if nothing audacious.
So I started reaching out to Brown Condor readers and asked them to submit their questions and comments to me via email. Ideally, I wanted 10 questions for the inaugural Habesha Mailbag, to my surprise I received over 45 emails. So I picked out the 10 best from the submissions and below is the back and forth between the readers and my responses. I hope you enjoy, if this is successful, I plan on making this a weekly feature every Friday. Make sure you submit your questions in the future; when you do, avoid having a one line question. Make the question or comment juicy, apply a bit of your personality to it so that the readers can get a sense of who you are as a reader and an Ethiopian/Eritrean out in the Diaspora.
Before getting on to the questions and answers, let me do one thing. Bill is a sports journalist; as such he would always focus on sports first and foremost. I will not necessarily follow this model, but in his honor, let me make one comment about sports. You do know they call the giants little blue right, as in Viagra pills, most of their fans are kind of lame. I say that as a precursor to my Super Bowl prediction, which is that the Patriots will beat the wholly crap out of the little blue giants. My prediction: Patriots 38 Giants 10. Oh, and if you want to talk trash, just remember that my Redskins beat the shit out of the little blue giants twice this year. OK, on to the readers!
Q: Hi, I’m a 27 year old Ethiopian living in Washington DC. I have noticed that the selection of Ethiopian and Eritrean men is really weak in DC. Most of them have no game and if they do, they like to think they are all players. And what is it with them calling every Ethiopian girl nefse and hode? I’m really tired of it to be honest, I’m thinking of dating white guys or Spanish guys. What is your advice Brown Condor? -Mimi, Silver Spring
BC: First Mimi, I want to thank you for being the first reader to ever submit your question to Habesha Mailbag. You will be getting your bottle of Atmit and bag of qwanta in the mail shortly eshi. Second, as far as you being frustrated, I have 3 words for you: Hi, I’m Teddy! You have my email, let’s discuss your plight over wine. Now as far as you dating white guys or Spanish guys, just be ready, because I have a feeling most of them have a lot in common with little giants fans (refer above). What I find interesting though is that you did not think of dating black guys? Maybe it is true what black guys always gripe to me about, that Ethiopian women don’t like to be with black guys. I will have to do some more research about this. But for the time being, leave the black guys, Spanish guys, and white guys alone eshi ehete, we will talk your issue over wine tonight at Portico eshi yene big forheadiye.
Q: TOP favorite books (3) –Ellal, Philadelphia
BC: Now this is a classic example of what a question should not look like. Ellal wendem, you see how Mimi’s question was detailed and she lets the reader get an insight into her life and her situation. O_o…you are not part of the Ethiopian dudes that Mimi is talking about are you? Are you the reason that Mimitu is about to date Ricky Ricardo?? MTS! Wuy gud! You and I will have a sit down later. But to answer your question, my three favorite books are, in no particular order: 1) Malcolm X 2) Invisible Man and 3) Assata. However, it is really hard to narrow it down to just those three. I mean I could list another 50 easy. Mostly I love reading about African-American history, especially dealing with struggles for freedom and liberation. However, I have been reading a lot more Ethiopian books lately. I’m currently reading the History of Haile Selassie at this moment along with Assata for the third time.
Q: Can all the DMV promoters make one big habesha event instead of separate parties for a weekend so every habesha can come to one location that would be dope? -Anonymous, Philadelphia
BC: Escuse me, I just spit my coffee on my laptopiye at the thought of that happening. Put it this way, do you think that Mitt Romney and Gingrich will hold hands with Obama and sing kumbaya? This ain’t gonna happen captain! I love all the DC promoters, and honestly speaking, I talked to the DC Habesha crew last night at Portico for a long time. Promoting ain’t easy, and it’s a dog eat dog world. I wish there was a place for Hebret in the scene, but it’s just too cut throat to think that all the DC promoters will sacrifice one night to have a party together. Each night is a potential to lose your clientele for good and there is no incentive. Besides, I blame us—the clients—we don’t care about Hebret so why should we expect the promoters to care about Hebret. Na’mean?! All we care about is how sexy the girls look and how strong the Yohannes Aramaji is. So no bro ham, this ain’t happening, better play the lotto instead—and if you win, I want 10% eshi anonymous.
Q: Two friends of mine were having a heated debate about why Habeshas look the way we do…one argued its simply bc we’re “blessed” however the other side argued its bc of migration and added historical facts to back up his argument. Why do some Habeshas look Indian or Asian….why do some have soft curly/wavy hair while others have kinky/coarse…and although we all look different we still look Habesha…What’s your take on this? –Megdi, VA
BC: To be honest, I am not sure why we have such big foreheads and big eyes. Here is my DOPE theory, our ancestors used to play futbol (soccer) before soccer was invented in the West, and we used to be the best testa (header) takers. So over centuries, we developed big foreheads in order to protect our chinkila and in order to score more goals. As for the big eyes, I think it is because we used to play soccer at night time, thus our eyes got really big so that we would be able to see the ball and stop running into the goal posts (two shirts always 5 feet apart). I’m still doing some field research on this issue to make sure I have it right, but I am meto gena certain that my DOPE theory is correct. Oh right, forgot you said why we look Asian? Now on that one I don’t know, I spent too much time focused on the big forehead and eyes theory and have not done field research yet on why we look Indian. I gather it is because we were part Cush, and India a long time ago used to be part of Africa. Thus, a lot of Ethiopians, Eritreans, Sudanese, Somali and Djebouti people have certain similar traits. Now what I really want to know is how the heck did the women in America get such big booties!! Good gawd! I am looking for some research assistants to figure this one out Megdi, would you be interested in volunteering for this DOPE study. Don’t worry, you will be in good hands sis, besides you are doing this for Ethiopia not me eko:: Eshi, we will discuss over wine the day after I am done consoling Mimiye eshi.
Q: What makes someone a HABESHA?!!! – Asia, Jobe
BC: Sigh! You have been talking to Ellal aydel Asia? See this sewoch, this is another example of how the emails should not look like in the future eshi:: Asia, ehete, next time, please put some life into the questions. You know, like Mimi and Megdi did. But to answer your question, hmmmm, lets see. We are always 3 hours late, we eat too much tire tsega, we never drink Gingerale and Coke unless it came directly from the can or bottle (we don’t do the soda dispenser EVER!). We also swear that Baklava was invented by Ethiopians, all our fathers and uncles drive Taxis, we eat dirkosh and Injera by itself. We like to do eskista competition as if we were extras in Michael Jackson “Beat It” video. Our women swear they are 25 when they are 35+, the guys swear they aer 5’11.5” when they are really 5’7”. Oh man, I can keep this going forever, see what happens when you give me an open ended question. Next time Asia, give me a longer comment question, eshi Asia, stop being such a Habesha eko::
Q: Why are folks waiting on a government handout? Don’t they know we hold the power to change our country’s fortune and future? –Alicia, VA
BC: Dude, New Gingrich, why the hell are you emailing the Habesha Mailbag pretending to be Ethiopian or whatever nigga? First off, you had your ass handed to you yesterday by Mittens, second, your wife looks like scary ass inflatable doll except it is her that has to blow you in order to inflate your ego, and third you look like my left scrotum. As far as your question “Alicia” Gingrich, folks are not waiting for handout. It is easy for people like you and me with jobs, education, and stable parents to not look for “handouts”, but for those who were not privy to parents, an education system, and grew up in crime ridden areas, the least we can do is give them a hand up. Besides, if memory serves me correctly, the US government owes African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule”, so fuck the food stamp, they need to give all African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule” adjusted for inflation. And no Habeshoch, we will not be entiteled to this….oohhhhh…now you want to claim you are black all the sudden aydel. Nope nope, this shall be reservd for African-Americans only who can claim ancestors back to slavery. Which means that I need to go to Bmore tonight and marry me a hood chic, I am pretty sure I can get one, I’ll just offer her a black and mild and a dinner at a sea food joint. What, you are offended Gingrich?? You are the same one that said that Palestinians were an “invented” people. OK I’m done with you Newtiye, on to the next question.
Q: What do you think about interracial relationships?? Especially habesha ppl dating non-habesha ones? –Habeshafro, Los Angeles
BC: I highly discourage it unless you try dating me first. Hi, I’m Teddy, you have my email addy. Here is where I am hoping Habeshafro is a girl and not a guy. Stay tuned, if I get an email with subject header “Hi Boo Boo” from Habeshafro, I know I would have just encountered a big #FAIL
Q: Why do habesha women try to act like they are goodie girls and say things like? Ye Bet lij Negn (I dont leave the house) and Pente Negn (I am Religious) I think they say this to cover up their dark side so no one will say anything bad about them. But these chicks are the craziest, and you see them at all the parties, and every restaurant. This is real talk! -Anonymous, somewhere in PA
BC: Actually this guy wanted me to use his name, but he is a young guy with a bright future, I did not want him attacked by 15 Habesha women and get his eye balls scratched out by their finger nails. So I chose to keep him anonymous. Now as far as your question El—I mean anonymous. My first instinct was to say it is because they are nothing but teases who love and live to give Habesha men worldwide one big collective blue balls. But the truth of it is that we—us Ethiopian and Eritrean men—are assholes. We get mad at our women for not giving it up, but the second we do, we go out and spread shit about them, calling them sluts and whores. It’s really fucked up if you think about it, I have seen countless women get destroyed because some dude went out and told his boys that she was a slut and she gave it up—and most of the time that nigga is lying. So I don’t blame them for saying the things they do, we are to blame. Ummm…ladies, just so you know, I—Teddiye—never kiss and tell and even if you are a big old freak, that will be our little secret eshi nefse::
Q: What is up with the shitty service that Ethiopian restaurants give? Why is it that I always have to beg for more Injera all the time? I went to a restaurant one time by myself and I ordered a doro wot. Now mind you, I went to the same restaurant on a date the day before and ordered the same thing and the doro wot came out with only two pieces of doro in it. For sure I was pissed, but did not say anything and me and my date found ourselves rationing the doro. The next day, I ordered the same thing and this time the plate came out, and it only had one piece of doro! I asked the waitress why I only had one doro and she said it was because there was only one person eating. I asked her if the price was the same and she shook her head yes. Really, you charge me the same effin price yet I get one less one chicken?? What should I do next time Brown Condor? Why do they act like this? -Teddiye, Alexandria
BC: Wow Teddiye, you sound like an articulate, smart, good looking, and amazing guy all around. I think that Mimi and Megdi should jump all over you bro, I see I have some competition on my hands. Now as far as your question, I have observed this myself. I think it is because most Ethiopian restaurants—with the exception of the ones I frequent—suck balls when it comes to customer service. I am not even sure if customer service exists in our dictionary, and if it does I am sure the owners think that they are the customers and we are their waiters. But at the end of the day, if we accept shitty service and continue to patronize restaurants who treat us with Clasless service, we are to blame. So, next time you get 1 piece of Injera for four people and you sit there and decide to divide the Injera one gursha at a time and refuse to speak up, well then, don’t come over here and submit questions to me complaining after z fact. Gebah wendem::
Q: How come Ethiopian men don’t believe in oral sex? I mean they eat gursha all day but yet when it comes to having a real gursha, they refuse to go down south! What is up with that Brown Condor? -Anonymous, Arlington
BC: Besma’am! Anche balege!! Wuy gud. Ummmmm..mejemera, do you practice what you preach? I mean, do you also take gursha as you give gursha? Secondly, you know what, I can’t go on with this topic, I will utterly ruin my credibility if I do. We will discuss this off line sis, ummm, after consoling Mimi today, then discussing business with Megi tomorrow, how is your calendar looking for Sunday anonymous. Let’s talk eshi
Q: I approached an Eritrean girl once and I asked her if she was Ethiopian. She smacked me in my chinkila and kicked me in my balls! What did I do wrong Brown Condor! -Thomas, Chicago
BC: Getting close
Q: If you drink atmit while you are wearing a Gabi on your couch and you are a 40+ year old man, does this mean secretly you want to move to Atlanta and you want to compliment women on their shoes and call them boo boo? -Hiwot, London
BC: Getting even closer
Q: I hear that in Addis, they think Gchat is something that hard core Ethiopian gangstas chew to get high, is this true Brown Condor? – Becca, Addis
BC: Yep, these are my readers!
Well this concludes the first ever inaugural Habesha Mailbag. Hopefully you enjoyed it. If you did, and depending on the reception and the amount of questions I receive for next week, I will do another Habesha Mailbag next week. If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers. As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions. I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::
If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”. Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind. Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret. OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha Mailbag 2.0. Esger Estelene sewoch!
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Author
Teddy Fikre
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We would love to hear your comments/feedback. Also, share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, or print it and give it to your grandmother. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can do so @browncondor
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