Posts tagged Addis

Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 5.0

Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor.  I kind of figured that would be the case once I got my readers involved::

by Teddy Fikre  written: Friday, February 24th, 2012

Habesha mailbag has become the most popular item on Brown Condor.  I kind of figured that would be the case, I knew that once I got my readers involved in a give and take, I would be able to leverage their humor and insights and combine that with my Def Comedy Joe Torry like comedy and what will invariably follow would be something as addictive as Kitfo and something as hot as Mitmita.

Programming note, Teddisho this is what happens when you interview Joe Torry on BC radio, you actually get to thinking that you are as funny as Richard Pryor.  Your ego is getting mo bigger than an Ethiopian woman’s forehead adyel.  Time to calm your Qit down Teddiye.

Anyway, as I always do every week, I lead off by first paying homage and respect to Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy (follow him on twitter @sportsguy33).  He is the reason I started Habesha Mailbag, to be honest, I am taking the whole format from Bill, I guess you can say that I Somali Pirate hijacked his style, but hey, if you think that Bill did not Somali Hijack someone else’s style, just keep in mind that his webpage is called www.grantland.com and Grant was the name of a famous Sports reporter from Boston, so you see, all things come full circle and piracy after all is not such a bad thing—as long as you acknowledge who you pirated from and in return pave the way for a future Sports Guy or Brown Condor.

Now, part of my homage to Bill Simmons is to put on my sports pundit hat and take on a particular issue with respect to sports.  So this week, I am going to tackle the NFL combines in Indianapolis.  To be honest, this Combines thing has always been grating to me.  The way they line up football players with only their underwear on and white guys going around poking and prodding mostly African-American males to see which specimen was the strongest or was the quickest, shit it takes me back to the slave trade days.  This is exactly how they conducted the slave auctions.  I know, you will think that this is an outrageous comparison to make aydel? 

I mean how I can compare a soon to be multi-millionaire football player to a slave who picked cotton for free.  Easy, because while the average football player washes out after 2.5 years and over their life time are not millionaires, the owners—just like slave owners—are billionaires ten times over.  Slavery is always relative, I make more money today than 90% of white folks did 200 years ago, but compared to educated white masses in America, I am still considered middle class.  Money does not determine freedom in a vacuum; it has to be taken into consideration relative to the relative wealth of the overall population.  What you thought I was going to talk Xs and Os, come on, you know I will always find a way to make a mundane matter controversial and create a dialogue in the process.  Now…on to the readers.

Q:  Hi asshole.  –Nitro Ethiopians, London, England

BC: Whut the Leb(censored).  Selam Qitam.

Q:  When is an appropriate time to yell out “fuck it! thug life! i’m about that guap!” in the middle of a staff meeting and walking out? –Anonymous, Washington DC

BC:  Well it depends yene big foreheadiye (this is where I am hoping you are a girl because I don’t call guys anything starting with a yene) anyway, it depends how much money you have saved up, how much capital you have amassed, do you have a revenue stream that can replace the revenue that you will be losing as a result of quitting your gig?  Baring all that, do you have a shenkora mama or daddy that can take care of your bills?  I mean what are your plans before you say “I’m about that Guap” and bounce?  Cause if you don’t have a plan my nicca or nicctress, your paradigm will be shifted meto gena and your ass will be sleeping on dark lit corners like my man Ray on Pennsylvania Ave NW.  Think about it before you do something rash yene wendem (ok I can say Yene to a guy but only with the word wendem) or yene ehete eshi bilicho::

Q:  I say fuck, shit, ass, hell, damn, pussy, dick and all kinds of filthy words in English, but beunet, I cannot say ONE curse word in Amharic.  When I try my body shakes and I just can’t do it.  Why is this Brown Condor? –Selam, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

BC:  Oh snap! I know exactly what you mean, that is such bullshit.  For example the Amharic word for fuck starts with an L, the Amharic word for pussy starts with a E, the Amharic word for dick starts with a C and the Amharic word for shit is …well this one is not bad, it is kaka.  Now just thinking of those words made me go smoke a cig and wash out my mouth with Palmolive.  Now before I lose 275 of my followers on twitter and half my audience, let me get meto gena deep with this answer.  You see, I think the issue is that of Ethiopians having their growth stunted by their elders.  I know, now you really think I am an “Ibd” but hear me out.  You see, as children we were always told to be quiet and not to be heard.  We were guilt tripped into not being overly expressive and to mind our matters.  This incessant lecture to be “good lijoch” and senestrat has it’s positive sides, for the most part, Ethiopians respect our elders and love our parents.  But it has a bad side too though, that of having to hide shit from our parents and feeling like we always have to be kids in front of our elders. I know straight up alcoholics who refuse to take even a sip of wine in front of their parents but will head out to a local Habesha party and consume more alcohol than a Russian mixed with a Cherokee Indian. I would advise you to say fuck it and act how you want to act, I would say to say Leb(ugg I can’t do it).  Sigh I am trapped by this kaka too. 

Q:  Why do you have so many followers?   Get your church up homie. –Nahom, Pennsylvania

BC:  Nahom ante dedeb, you trying to be funny? I only have 275 followers yet meanwhile a jigaboo like @souljaboy has 3.5 million followers. But that is the thing about twitter, you have to build up your clientele slowly, I would rather add one person a day than reach out to some marketer to get me 1 million over night.  I would rather have tigist so that all my followers love me instead of acting like @newtgingrich and paying a company to get 1 million follower—80% of whom hate his fucking guts.  So 275 is just about right, but I bet by the end of this year, I will be up to 10,000 followers.  Want to bet me 4 bags of Qwanta Nahom?

Q:  Your favorite restaurant is Laco Melza, really? Why the hell do you like a restaurant that is name after an Italian word.  What are you a shifta?  Why did they use an Italian restaurant to name their restaurant, what are they Eritrean? -Anonymous, Alexandria, VA

BC:  Hmmm, ok tell you what, I will call a general strike against Laco Melza when Ethiopians stop driving a Mechina, when they stop eating Salata, when they stop shopping at Merkato, and when they stop licking Jolati.  Deal? Until that day comes, Laco Melza will continue to be my favorite Restaurant and you can catch me there this weekend.  PS your middle name is Angelo from your email signature by the way, does this mean you are a shifta??

Q:  Brown Condor, I have size big A to small B cup breasts, my boyfriend wants me to get breast implants and have my breasts be a size C or D. He puts pressure on me on a daily basis to do so and I am thinking about granting his wishes and paying $5,000 to get the implants.  I just wanted to get your thoughts on this before I make a final decision.  What do you say Brown Condor.  –Hiwot, Dallas, Texas

BC:  Well I know one thing , I can call your big foreheadiye, but I can never call you big tuto aydel Hiwot. : ) No on a serious note, this is actually kind of deep.  Let me tell it to you this way, if your boyfriend does not love you the way that God made you, then leave his ass.  Better yet, tell him that you will get breast implants when he decides to go first and get a dick implant.  Let’s see how he feels about that yene tinish tutoye.  Seriously, don’t ever try to please a man by changing how you look.  A man should like you as you are, I mean what would he do if you had breast cancer and they had to do a mastectomy?  What would he do, live you for a pair of bigger tits?  Next time he tells you to change how God made you, give him your middle finger and tell him to lebdeh himself (oh wow I must have gotten really mad, did I just cuss in Amharic, let me go smoke a cig and wash my mouth out).  Sigh.  Anyway, inbox me yene tinish tuto, I will be a meto gena better boyfriend than him and I like the itty bitty committee ehetoch. (Teddish, really, back to flirting with your readers again, try it on more time and see what happens ante gagama!)

Q:  Teddiye, when was the last time you had sex you banda, you seem like a 37 year old virgin who is frustrated, maybe you should get a hooker.  –Real Habesha, Baltimore, MD

BC:  Funny you say this, actually the last time I had sex was with a hooker and it was last night.  Ask your mom, it was her eko:: <- MOSSAD Tactics

Q:  You keep saying that Guragaye people have big calf muscles and that we can jump high, as a Guragaye I resent this statement. You seem intent on dividing Ethiopians, you are an ass.  –Mikkey, Seattle, WA

BC:  Really, let me as you a question yene Guragaye, when you wear pants, do you have to cut out a section below your knees on your jeans so your legs can get circulation?  When you do Guragenya on the dance floor, do you often get headaches the next day from bumping your head on the ceiling?  #CaseClosed Anyway lighten up ante dedeb, I say things like this out of fun.  I also make fun of Gonderes (I am Gondere) for example, how can you tell someone is Gondere? Answer:  He works at 7-11 but always tells people no one bosses him around! Oh…you laugh at that one but not at jokes when it comes to “your people”.  I think I see the seeds of tribalism here…but let’s keep it moving.

Q:  It seems that you have built up a real rapport with a lot of the DJs in DC, NY, ATL and Ethiopia; they are always retweeting your tweets and updating their Facebook statuses to tell people to tune into BC Radio. But the promoters don’t mention you at all and some are defriending you I notice.  What is that about, do promoters not believe in Hebret, are DJs the only ones who believe in Hebret? –Robel, Atlanta, GA

BC:  Wow this is very insightful, thank you Robel. I noticed that as well yene wendem.  But first, let me give a shout out to 2 promoters who do believe in Hebret: Neb Foto @nebfoto on twitter and Meron Alemayehu @iammeron on twitter.  As far as the promoters, I don’t know, maybe they see me as a threat; maybe they see me as someone that wants to have parties in DC and Addis.  I don’t blame them, you have to be always on your toes when it comes to being a promoter.  Just remember that the DOPEST promoters today were the ones who were not known by anyone only 10 or 15 years ago, and through hard work and determination, they were able to lockup the party scene in DC and beyond.  DJs are not in the same constraint, I mean sure, there is a DJ coming along every two seconds, but for them, the bigger the party pool, the better off they are.  So I am not a threat to DJs, I am actually a potential future client.  That being said, I do have some DOPE Djs and real friends in my corner.  Thus this is the S/o moment (yeah DJs, you ain’t the only ones with mics for shout outs, I got a mic too S/o @djbanti @DJuba1 @DJXLYAFET @djlboogie832 @djarmageddon @DjSixthSense @djRBI @DJGabe_TheDJ @THEREALDJFADE @DawitDckonjo

Q:  Hi Brown Condor, my name is Mimi, I am 45 years old but I have a thing for 21 year old habesha guys.  If I can ask, sent amete new, do you have a younger brother? I have a Wii video game at my apartment and all you can eat injera ena dabo.  Email me eshi nefse. –Mimi, Silver Spring, MD

BC:  O_o we are getting close!

Q:  I go to sleep with emergency kitfo by my bed and when I hold the long jump record for the state of Virginia, does this mean I am part Guragaye? –Dawit, Richmond, VA

BC:  Getting closer

Q:  I tried to get on twitter after I read your screed about 35+ year old women not being on twitter, but when I tried twitter rejected me because I tried to put in my age (which is 25 by z way) and it said “weshetam” as the reason I was rejected.  What should I do Brown Condor.  I really am 25 eko, beunet, I left Ethiopia when the Derg took over in Ethiopia—oops I meant to say I left Ethiopia when the derg fell.  Do you believe me Brown Condoriye? –Almaz, Washington, DC.

BC:  Yup, these are my readers!

If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers.  As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions.  I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::

If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”.  Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind.  Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret.  OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha  Mailbag 6.0. Degmo Email me Hiwot yene tinish tuto (ha got this past the editor).  Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!

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[click to visit LacoMelza Ethio Cafe]

Part art, part food, part buna, LacoMelza will take you on a trip from Silver Spring to Addis up to Rome and back to Silver Spring before you finish the last drop of buna.  Let this amazing family owned cafe take you on a world trip without having to leave your seat.  What will start off with “Dabo be Shai” in the morning will have you remembering Enat Ethiopia while listening to beautiful music accompanied by beautiful people.  The only place to be this weekend is LacoMelza for their Grand Opening! 

LacoMelza Ethio Cafe’ & Restaurant is not just a restaurant but an art gallery. They will be exhibiting the paintings of an artist who lives in London by the name of Abiy G/Selassie.  LacoMelza has the Best Brunch in town all day Saturday and Sunday.  Their lunch menu is very creative and Dinner features a full Ethiopian menu.  They also have a very unique children’s menu that is both healty and delicious.  So go out to LacoMelza, take the whole family, and take part in the Grand Opening of a Grand Cafe by the name of LacoMelza at 7912 George Ave, Silver Spring MD.   See you there this Saturday and Sunday and after that go there hulu geze eshi::

The first person that tweets me @browncondor on twitter or comments below will get a free brunch for two at LacoMelza Cafe this weekend.  Tolo Tolo, tweet me @browncondor using #LacoMelzaCafe or comment below

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Teddy Fikre

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