Essence of DOPE
teddyfikre
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Posts by teddyfikre
Nathan’s Reality: Infection
026 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Ninety percent of Habeshas have an infection, I am the doctor with the penicillin, and the rest who are my friends and family are the therapy for my soul::
by Dr. Teddy Fikre* dated Monday, April 23rd, 2012
I sway between despair and hope. I swivel between fiker (love) and kifo (hate). I dance between being Thankful and Indifference. All this diffidence inspired by the irrelevance of being Habesha and swimming in a muck of toxic waste that is African thinking. I wish this was not so, I love my people, I love Ethiopia and I am first and foremost African. However, I cannot ignore the painful truth; my people are stricken by a virus more potent than Ebola that has left generations of Ethiopians and Eritreans impotent. This is a chronicle of this pernicious fact—that we as a people are beset by enmity and hatred that runs to our bones and infects our souls with irrelevance.
This is a story of Nathan’s reality as documented by me and a prognosis of this virus called Habeshanet that is killing millions of Africans on a year to year basis as millions of Ethiopians beg for rice to be dropped from NGO sponsored helicopters while corporations like Starbucks continue to rape Africa and taking from us our natural resources while leaving us shivering in dark lit corners. This is a journal of the loss of hope and the destruction of emnet at the hands of brilliant children of Ethiopia like Nathan Reality.
Let me tell you how this tire siga beef started between someone I never met. I met Nathan on Facebook in this page called “You know you’re Ethiopian when…” At first, I won’t lie, I thought the group was annoying as hell. I already spam people on a daily basis, so you know it takes gall for me to say someone is spamming me when 10,000 Ethiopians call me Hormel Fikre because of my spamming ways. No seriously, even Nigerians who send emails about being royalty and needing $10,000 are sick of my spamming techniques. But if you only knew, I am “spamming” people about Ethiopian history and culture—instead of castigating me, you should be spamming everyone too because (more…)
PoverMe
027 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
You can be a part of a mission to change the world block by block—or you can just say “Don’t PoverMe”!
by Teddy “Thankful Soul” Fikre written: Sunday, April 22nd, 2012
I took the whole day off today. First time I have done that in a while. I was intent on traveling throughout DC talking to one business or another about promoting on www.browncondor.com. Then all the sudden it hit me, I have not rested in over 3 months and that I needed to relax and take care of myself and clean my own house. Hebret starts at home; when one is living in filth and throwing one’s work with asamas (throwing pearls with pigs) then one cannot expect to be respected nor will one ever get Hebret from his community. Thus I decided to dedicate the day to myself and give this moment to God above.
It was during a moment of relaxation before tackling the dishes and the random clothes on the floor that I tuned into MSNBC and there sat Tavis Smiley and Cornell West talking about poverty. That is when I decided to write this article, because I realized that poverty is invisible and unheard. I know what you are thinking; this website is mediocre because I don’t even know how to spell POVERTY. Nah that was on purpose, because I wanted to capture your attention and more than that convey a message. Because when it comes to the plight of the poor, most people’s response can be summed up neatly in three words—don’t bother me! Thus the title, PoverMe is an amalgamation (that means fusion) of Poverty and Don’t Bother Me!
This is when I decided to think on this the whole day before I write an article about poverty without first praying and meditating on the words that I should use instead of writing an article for the sake of web hits. I went to sleep and dreamt of children in Axum who go days without eating and how a woman named Meron Abebe started an organization called “Thankful Soul” in order to feed these very same children for one day a week. I dreamed of Ray on Pennsylvania Avenue—a homeless man who once let me borrow $1.00 so I could feed the meter. Imagine that; a homeless man giving me his last dollar so I could feed the meter. I talk to him every day and this humble soul is a thankful soul too. I give him at least a dollar a day and for that I am made whole because I realize that as I eat Ramen noodles there are children in Ethiopia who eat dirt then sleep in the same dirt only to be buried in that same dirt once every 10 minutes. This world—it is a cold and indifferent place because it is populated by seven billion people full of indifference who don’t know how to spell Hebret if I spotted them the first five letters.
And then I dreamed of a brilliant trumpet player who is homeless who sleeps on his own dirt pillow on 9th street. I never got his name although he and Mr. Black are best friends. Mr. Black is also homeless; he is a Vietnam veteran whose wife recently had a stroke. How cruel we are as a people, soldiers fight and die for us and in return we give them a standing ovation at football games, put on a yellow ribbon, and then return to our own universe as their galaxy is rocked by galactic depression, anxiety and PSTD. Do you know that just 8 days ago an Iraq or Afghanistan War Veteran took his life? Wait for it…3…2…1…click…clack! Kapow! There, another veteran just snapped his synapses with a Glock while the NRA continues to push for gun rights. RIP honorable soldier, your valor is the same whether or not you die on the battlefield or in your garage. It is us—the God Damn Individuals—who are (more…)
Leflafa Sekaramoch
128 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Why do we let five assholes ruin the perfectly good time of 100 people all the time and never shut their asses down::
by Candidate Teddy Fikre-Dem, VA written: Saturday, April 21st, 2012
Its 2014, I am running for Congress to represent the 8th Congressional District of the Commonwealth of Virginia. I am on a quest to make history and represent my people in the process and give our community a voice that is more powerful than 20,000 marching Habeshas protesting at the White House. Thus I send out 8,000 letters to the 8,000 registered Ethiopians and Eritreans that reside in Alexandria advertise on CNN and MSNBC and in the process invest over $300,000 that I raise from small donors without taking one birr from corporate interests like the pillagers of Ethiopia Starbucks. I decide to launch my bid at Merkamo Restaurant—a beautiful Ethiopian restaurant located in Springfield, Virginia whose name literally means beautiful.
Three hundred constituents show up at Merkamo on a beautiful Thursday evening. I am meto gena (100%) nervous and my palms are sweating like Shaquille O’Neal trying to make a free throw. But as always, I pop my collars in hurricanes and tap dance on landmines—I put consternation to the side and step up to the microphone to speak.
My speech::
“Tenastilin beteseboch, seme Teddy Fikre new, for those in attendance who are not Ethiopian or Eritrean (I will never use the epithet “Habesha” in my campaign speech or brochures because I will not lower myself to the lowest common denominator in order to get a vote) I just hello my name is Teddy Fikre and today I stand before you as a humble man who is seeking your vote in order to represent our collective voices….
Background noise::
“Wey tata Fifiye, weyyyy lemot new eko, qiten betam amemen, beka tenantena fenedaw ena zare senesa beka qiten lek enda Buster Douglass fit new nefse, beredo adereku bet gen eskahun qiten yamal eko”
Back to my speech::
It is my honor to stand here before you as a man with many flaws and countless sins. I am sure that the negative ads you have been bombarded with on Television and Radio painting me as a nut job has made you think twice about coming here—so I thank you from my heart for coming here to hear me out. I am not a perfect being; I am flawed just like the rest of you. I have—too many times in my life womanized and terrorized the dreams of countless queens who dreamt of me as their dream man only for me to leave them in the middle of their dreams. I have blasted my own community not because I don’t love Ethiopia but because I see in our people so much potential that is being wasted…
Background noise::
“Wey gud ehe tebtabe mozaza, ere Woyane new eko, ahun ke ze seweta testa new emadergew ehe qoltafa! Ere nefse, tenantena Dupont Circle hedje dildo gezahun eko. Miste atawkem, gin ene eko down low wendem nen. Anche, eski 5 more shots of Johnny Walker for (more…)
Voice of God
029 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
These are words echoed through the voice of God and I am blessed to have heard it from Simon whose very name means the voice of God::
by Teddy Fikre dated: Friday, April 20th, 2012
Simon:: In Hebrew, Simon literally means “He who hears the voice of God”. It has been said that the apostle Simon (Peter) was a slender person. He was of a middle size, and inclining to tallness, and that his complexion was brown (almost bronze).1 It has, also, been said that he had a short, thick, curled beard, and thin eyebrows. So firm was Simon’s faith that Jesus gave him the name of Cephas, meaning, in the Syriac language, a rock (Simon is the Greek translation of Cephas.) Now you know what Syria means—I just found out today while researching this article.
Now let me talk about another Simon that walks in the midst of the Ethiopian community more than 2,000 years after the passing of the original Simon. The Simon I am writing about today is Simon Gebrehiwot. This Simon is not a prophet of Jesus; he is a humble man who earns a humble living with his humility as his calling card and his connection to God. I have known Simon for a long time, he is the mechanic I go to when my Nissan Altimaye is in a bind and I need a quick fix. Simon has given me and my former fiancée all kinds of free services. Moreover, Simon makes me laugh—man he can give as well as he can take. When Simon and I debate and exchange “insults” based on friendships—which makes these insults more like hugs—he hugs me with friendship the same way that Gash Eabisa used to hug my father Fikre with “insults” formed on friendship 30 years ago in Addis.
Thus, writing this article is a way of me saying Tadias to Simon virtually the same way I say Tadias to him every morning at the Sunoco off Duke St where he works. I always go to Sunoco in the mornings blasting Kuku Sebsebe on Brown Condor Radio2. I get there and always without a fail Simon is there smiling and bantering with his customers. This is the way it should be, being a customer should make you feel like you are the king of the world even if you are about to be pissed off that you will need to pay mucho dinero to replace your transmission. That is Simon’s mission, to make each person to feel like King Midas even if they have to eat Ramen noodles because their mufflers have to be replaced. Speaking of Midas, why is it that our people continue to go to Midas of Jiffy Lube instead of going to our own mechanic’s and supporting our own? I talked about Ethiopia being colonized before so let me keep this article nesu and meto gena (100%) clean and keep it moving as I type these lyrics to the humble essence of this man named Simon.
Now let me take you back 6 years ago when Simon had a decision to make. Simon’s father is a renowned thinker in Ethiopia—he works at the United Nations, a doctor not because he says he is but because (more…)
Ethiopian Masturbation
330 days
by teddyfikre
in Uncategorized
Sad thing is that when the time comes to have my eulogy, I will be most remember for “Ethiopian Porn: and “Ethiopian Masturbation”::
by Teddy “Clean Hands” Fikre dated: Thursday, April 19th, 2012
Weeellll! Look what we have here. Gebu gebu beteseboch! Gin majermerya, take off your shoes, and your indignation, and relax your heavy and furious breathing eko:: Nah, this is not what you think, the title was just a tantalizing bait I dangled in front of you knowing that hundreds of people who ignore my ARIF articles would jump at this cat nip seizing a chance to once and for all destroy my character and marginalize and disconnect me once again from my community. Well, you should know me by now eko, you know all things I do are calculated—hell, I am a better calculator than Texas Instruments.
Now that I have gotten your attention, go ahead and sit to down and take a sip of your buna from Starbucks (who by the way was using extracts to color their Frappuccino as they exploit enat Ethiopia and sell it colonized Ethiopians in America who would rather purchase their coffee from Starbucks instead of supporting an Ethiopian owned and operated buna bet by the name of Sidamo Coffee and Tea. Imagine, Ethiopians would rather masturbate in a Sodom called Starbucks instead of supporting one of our own by the name of Sidamo—ohhhh…now you see what this article is about eko, this is in fact about masturbation of the different order.
This is an article of a collective masturbation as we stroke our collective g-spots to the border of Hades as we continue giving up our G-notes to corporate interests instead of reinvesting our hard earned money in our own community.
But let me take it a step further. Let me break down why our community is in fact a collective of masturbaters who are intent on destroying our collective aspirations and the dreams of our children with our selfish and narrow self-interest ways. I have written over 2,000 articles in my lifetime—over 500 since 2008 about Ethiopia alone. I have written about the beauty of Ethiopia, the history of our people, our customs, our art, our food, and our culture. And I won’t lie, my articles are read by a massive following even if most people refuse to comment on my articles for fear that I will (more…)