Habesha Mailbag 4.0

Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 4.0

A look back at the week that was and a look forward to see what will be coming up as we all cope with the incoming Snowmaggedon…which will mean 1 inch of snow in DC.  SMH

by Teddy Fikre  written:  Friday, February 17th, 2012

B’sma’am, wuy gud, time flies when one is twittering and Facebooking all the time, zare meche new? Arb new? Really, what is z date? February 17 already?  Beunet? Well if it’s Arb (Friday) you know what that means, time to dust of another version of Habesha Mailbag.  I know, I can’t believe that this is already the 4th edition of the Mailbag.  I have to admit, this is my favorite part of writing in terms of how much I laugh at my readers questions/comments and keep laughing as respond back.  Beunet, sak be sak lemot new be Habesha Mailbag.

As always, first a tiliq SALUTE and BIGup to Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy (@sportsguy33 on twitter).  He is the comic genius that inspired this, for years he did the Mailbag and he would use the question/response format.  I swear, I used to act like a 7 year old in Bole, always waiting by his website (www.grantland.com) for his latest edition of the Mailbag.  Once I got it, I printed it, and I would eat up every word and laugh my Qit off for 15 minutes each Friday.

I am not saying that I am by anywhere near the like of Bill Simmons, but it is my hope that you too, the readers of Brown Condor, get a least a few laughs each Friday as you kick off your Fridays.  Who knows, maybe one day I will get 1.5 million followers on twitter like Bill Simmons does—sigh, for now I am elated to have 275 :)

Now before the first question is asked, I take time to become a sports pundit in homage to the Sports Guy.  So with that said, this Lin guy in New York is a beast.  I have not seen skills like that since Teddisho was the king of the blacktops back in 1998—on my Sega.  Whatever, I can ball negros, I had dreams of becoming the first Ethiopian basketball player in the NBA until I realized that I could barely touch the net let alone dunk.  It’s not my fault, Ethiopians can run fast as shit, but seriously our jumping ability is suspect at best.  We could not jump across a ruler set on the floor.  Now the only exception would be Guragye sewoch, man Guragye sewoch could out jump a Kangaroo and could jump over LeBron James’s receding hairline!    

Beunet, I saw a Guragye fella jumping across 14th St, no really, the hand signal turned white and he literally jumped from one side of 14th St to the next with one leap.  O_o I think a bunch of Guragye taxi cabbies are about to organize a strike against Brown Condor….ere bakachew, I love Guragye eko:: You don’t believe me, eshi the first Guragye person reading this mailbag, I challenge you to a kitfo eating competition at Enat Restaurant this Sunday, if I win, you have to call off the Guragye cabbie strike of Brown Condor ehi:: WTL, how did I get from Lin to Kitfo.  SMH on to the questions::

Q:  What is Nitro Ethiopians phone number Brown Condor – Meron, Springfield VA

BC:  Nooooo, no way Meron, you are joking, wait whut! You mean his phone number, you actually like Brokeback Habesha in London??? What! B’sma’am, you are joking aydel?? What could you possibility like about him degmo, for a minute eko I thought  this email was one that Nitro Ethiopians sent as a fake email, but no I know Meron.  I can’t believe this?  What is it that you want with that fella, what you like the way he applies lotion to himself?? You think just because he is  good with lotion when he applies it to himself that he would be able to massage your back the same way he massages his ….ummm…his…Sega game stick.  Wey gud, is it that bad, you need a massage that bad (ante Gagame, don’t you even think of flirting with Meron, I mean it negro) sigh, Umm…make an appointment at Massage Envy, I beseech you ehete, do not envy Nitro Ethiopians, he is a 45 year old self lotioning (not a word) Brokeback Habesha eko:: trust me he is not interested in you nor your big Foreheadiye.  Eshi…thank me later as we sip on some wine (censored by Teddy’s code of ethics—yes I actually have ethics danka verdy much!)

Q:  Brown Candor, let me ask you a question, who do you think has sexier women, Ethiopia or Eritrea –Samuel, Dallas TX

BC:  Ugggg, smack my own Foreheadiye!!! Wey gud Habeshoch, semu ebakachew, it is not Brown Candor nor Brown Condom nor Brun Candor, please please yene DV sewoch, I love you betam, but the name is BROWN CONDOR…gebachew?  B.R.O.W.N. C.O.N.D.O.R….say it with me….BROWN CONDOR!  Seriously, I get about a 1,000 hits a day, but if yall spelled www.browncondor.com I would probably get as many hits as Huffington Post.  Let me go ahead and purchase browncandor, browncondom, bruncandor, and broncendor IP addresses and redirect them to www.browncondor.com  Now as far as your question Samuel, this is like asking me what is a better car, a Mercedes or a Lexus.  This is like asking me what tastes better Kitfo or Dulet (I love both equally).  First off, I can’t tell one from the other, Ethiopian women and Eritrean women look alike to me, they both have big foreheadoch, they both have big eyes, and the ones in DC, good gawd lawda merci, they have big Qitoch, man oh man, when I got to Portico on Friday’s, I actually set my drinks on Habesha Qitoch…and the funny thing is that they don’t know it…they walk around, and I’ll be damned the drink doesn’t move an inch.  Wey Gud Habesha kitoch, it’s like the Ethiopian Chinese wall! Oh right…Ethiopian and Eritrean women (I get distracted easily eko:: ) anyway the only way I can tell the difference is that at the end of a sentence where one is making a statement of point, an Ethiopian girl says “aydel” and an Eritrean girl says “mish”.  As in see me at Portico tonight…mish …aydel ;)

Q:  Brown Condor, what does “Kante ga metenach efelegalewe” mean, this girl just texted me that just now and I have no idea what it means.  Please bro, help me out! –Jason, Washington DC
BC:  I want to sleep with you. 

(revision 10 minutes later after responding to 8 more questions and right before I was about to publish Habesha Mailbag, holly kaka, I just realized that this could easily be misinterpreted.  Listen, what I meant was that what SHE said to YOU was that SHE wants to sleep with you.  I don’t want you to think that I was telling you that I want to sleep with you.  Understand Jason.  And no…all the fellas from ATL that were about to send me an email, errrrrrrrrr (Martin Lawrence style) go back to the nail salons boo boo, Teddisho loves women only.  Anyway Jaso, hope that helps, if you keep reading the Habesha Mailbag after I just translated to you that she wants to sleep with you, well how about you email me her phone number son.  Aight broham.  Good luck on that journey and strap up ALWAYS before you end up with a big Foreheadiye child in 9 months

Q:  Ante sexist asshole, why the hell were you attacking Elbie, what did she do to you; she is a beautiful Habesha, why must you always find ways to attack your own people you fucking Woyane! –Titi, New York NY

BC:  God bless your soul “Habesha Chic”…i have nothing but love for Elbie.  Her and I are cool now, hopefully you can learn a lesson from Elbie about foregiveness.  Stay blessed yene big foreheadiye::

Q:  Teddisho, why do you insist on calling Ethiopian women yene Big Foreheadiye?? I will let you know that I DO NOT have a big forehead, it is small and proportionate to my face.  Please stop calling us Big Foreheadiye, senesrat Teddiye.  –Selam, Los Angeles, CA

BC:  Ummm Selamiye, let me ask you a question, when you were invited to the most recent Super Bowl, did the host ask you to stand in front of the wall and then shone a bright light on you the whole time?  Oh, you thought you were modeling?? Noooo boo boo, they were using your Forehead as a screen for the projector eko:: I know you don’t know this, but the Giants won, you know how I know you don’t know Yene Big Foreheadiye, the game was being broadcast LIVE on your forehead eko boo boo:: Wey gud, DENIAL is not a river in Ethiopia eko:: but seme Yene Big Foreheadiye, I love Habesha women’s foreheads, it is a sign of beauty and elegance.  So be proud of your forehead hode, hold your head up high….that is if you can, if you need me to help you push your chin up so that you can hold your forehead up high, let me know tota, I have been working out, I can lift at least 100 pounds, so I should be able to help you hold your head up high Yene Big Foreheadiye::

Q:  Why do you always talk shit about Ethiopian cab drivers, what are you an elitist who thinks that you are better than cabbies?  Cab drivers are very intelligent and bust their asses  to put their kids in college, you should really stop making fun of Ethiopian cabbies wendem, it is not very becoming of you, you sound more and more like Mitt Romney every time you talk shit about Ethiopian cab drivers.  –Gabrielle, Houston TX

BC:  I agree with you Meto Gena Gabrielle, cab drivers are amazing! You know how I know, because my father Fikre (RIP) was a cab driver for over 25 years. Some of the best memories I have growing up in Woodbridge was driving around DC with my father.  He and I used to have epic debates (he was a Republican and I a fierce Democrat) and we would argue about any and everything.  How do you think I learned to debate and argue, I learned from the best eko:: I am not making fun of Ethiopian cab drivers, I love them, they represent the very best of our community.  We should all be proud of them, shit if we have the cab game locked up in DC that is a good thing that gives us power in numbers.  When I observe that Koreans have the dry cleaning game locked up throughout the US, do you think I am mocking them? Hell naw, they are a powerful community because they have a niche market locked up.  The only thing I wish is that Ethiopian cabbies would use their niche business to organize a platform that could give the Ethiopian and Eritrean community a voice.  In 2008 for example, their collective efforts went a long way in the success of Ethiopian for Obama, imagine if they organized like that all the time.  Anyway, much respect to Ethiopian cab drivers, please ebakachew don’t organize a general strike against Brown Condo, I am one of yours eko, I am a lij of a DC Cabbie eko:: eshi…one love!

Q: I am an Ethiopian guy who came to America 2 years ago.  In order to get stay in America, I convinced an African-American girl to marry me and in exchange I gave her $5,000.  We actually decided to give it a try instead of being a fake marriage. The thing is though Brown Condor, I am miserable with her, she does not know how to make wot, she is always snapping her fingers and popping her neck, and she keeps calling me a Nigga, what should I do Brown Condor.  –Anonymous, Arlington VA

BC:  Well anonymous, you first have to realize that you are in America and that you are married not to an Ethiopian but to an American. You cannot expect the same thing from an Ethiopian girl back home as you will get from an African-American girl in VA.  What you have to do is let go of your suppositions (oops you might not know what that means yene big Foreheadiye it means your assumptions) and learn to appreciate your wife for who and what she is and not who and what she is not.  How about this for a DOPE idea, how about you make the wot and feed her and in the process teach her how to make wot.  How about you take her out to Ethiopian restaurants and cultural centers and teach her about the beauty of your country and in return you ask her to take you to African-American museums and restaurants and get to learn about her history. When you take steps to learn who she is and about her background, maybe she will stop snapping her fingers at you, stop popping her neck at you, and stop calling you nigga eshi bilicho:: Either that, or it will be half of your assets taken when she divorces your ass and all you will be left with will be half a bag of kolo and one bag of shimbera.  So get on it my man, treat her like a Nigist and I promise you she will treat you like a King. 

Q:  I have the greatest idea ever Brown Condor, I came up with a Gabi tie and a Gabi business vest.  Please help me market zis products wendem::  Robel, Atlanta, GA

BC:  O_o we are getting close!

Q:  I have a great idea for you Brown Condor, why not diversify your offerings and come up with Brown Condoms, you can call it the DOPEST prophylactic EVER.  What do you think Brown Condor? –Dani, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

BC:  Getting closer!

Q:  Ante Woyane Teddy Fikre, the local store in London is having a 5 for 1 special on Nivea lotion, eski let me borrow a couple of dollars so I can get 5 bottles of Nivea to last me for the weekend.  –Nitro Ethiopian, London, England

BC:  Yup, these are my readers!

If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers.  As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions.  I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::

If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”.  Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind.   Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret.  OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha  Mailbag 5.0. Degmo Elbie, eski ehete, let me get a plate of your DOPE timatim fitfit ehete:: Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!

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LacoMelza Ethio Cafe’ & Restaurant is not just a restaurant but an art gallery. They will be exhibiting the paintings of an artist who lives in London by the name of Abiy G/Selassie.  LacoMelza has the Best Brunch in town all day Saturday and Sunday.  Their lunch menu is very creative and Dinner features a full Ethiopian menu.  They also have a very unique children’s menu that is both healty and delicious.  So go out to LacoMelza, take the whole family, and take part in the Grand Opening of a Grand Cafe by the name of LacoMelza at 7912 George Ave, Silver Spring MD.  If it snows, go anyway, Beredo mendenew, LaComelza ga buna fut madrege new eko:: :)   See you there this Saturday and Sunday and after that go there hulu geze eshi::

The first person that tweets me @browncondor on twitter or comments below will get a free brunch for two at LacoMelza Cafe this weekend.  Tolo Tolo, tweet me @browncondor using #LacoMelzaCafe or comment below

[click to see my favorite song and my favorite singer]

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Teddy Fikre

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