Welcome back for Habesha Mailbag 3.0

This is the third edition of the Habesha Mailbag; last week’s mailbag was a smashing success, time to build on the success.

by Teddy Fikre  written:  Friday, February 10th, 2012

OK so it’s finally Friday, it’s Arb, it’s almost z weekend eko:: You know what that means?? Time to dust off another edition—or is that rendition—of Habesha Mailbag 3.0.  But first a few programming notes, a big old Shout Out to Meron Alemayehu, DJ Banti, and all my big foreheadiye setoch in z universe.  I love all yall the same, even if I have a  big old scratch on my foreheadiye compliments of these two Habesha democh who fought last night at shadow room and decided to claw yours truly Teddisho above my right eye.  Also, a big shout out to Lebron James aka @kingjames who decided to dunk Teddisho on my forehead for simply telling him that his hairline was receding like the Pacific Ocean.  What nigga, you can’t handle a joke, fucking lame ass Heat, your boy Dwayne Wade is the real King of Miami.

Anyway, enough of that bullshit, on to z mailbag aydel:: So first and foremost, a shout out to the DOPEST author I know, his name is Bill Simmons aka @sportsguy33 on twitter.  I have to acknowledge he is the reason for Habesha Mailbag.  Without him, my ass would just be another author, because of him I am a talented author.  Shout out and respect Bill Simmons wendem::  Also, a big shout out to my father Fikremariam Million, without you there is no Teddisho aydel?

Now before I delve into z mailbag of mine, let me answer a few sports questions.  First, the Giants still fucking suck, the cowboys are really cowcunts, and anyone that is a fan of the cowcunts or the Gaints are gay as shit and like dicks.  See, I can say this because my name is not Roland Martin and I don’t work for CNN.  Yup, Teddisho works for Brown Condor and FCC don’t follow me…so one middle finger salute to you FCC and CNN, I work for I and no one else.  Also, as far as soccer (futbol), Manchester sucks balls, Barcelona is some bullshit.  The only true soccer is played in Ethiopia in Bole and their collective big foreheadoch are the best testa takers in the universe:: 

Now…on to z mailbag, z reason that you are here aydel::

Q:  Teddisho, wendem, I have tiliq problem.  Yene echona, he wants me to drink atmit.  Hulu geze he keeps saying Heleniye, atmit teche yelenal.  Gen yene nefse, ene atmit altetam:: Beunet, atmit le lejoch yametal, gin atmit ena altetam.  Hulu geze EMBE elalaw.  Degmo and gize eshi beye atmit tetahun, beunet tuff tuff alkun hode:: betam salty new degmo hoden amemen:: men laderg Teddiye, embe sel beka hulu geze yenadedal! Should I just swallow it and drink atmit??  – Helen, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

BC:  wow…wey gud.  QWAK QWAK QWAK like a fucking duck.  This is duckusting eko!! Anche balege, atmit degmo on Friday taweralesh?? What z Lebdeh! I don’t even know where to start.  Really though ehete, wow.  Speechless.  Or is that spermless.  Here is my advice nefse, just swallow it, seriously he is your husband.  Gargle after, but keep him happy or he will find another woman to satisfy him.  Gebash, make him happy and he will make you happy eshi::  Anyway, I swear as an Atmit lover who likes it with honey, I will never ever ever ever see Atmit the same way again! I guess it is not officially true, the only dudes that like atmit are gay dudes.  Congrats sis for fucking up our culture.  Swallow that and no tuff tuff eko::

Q:  Teddiye, wendeme, what is z equivalent of Viagra in Ethiopia??  Seriously, I have a problem, I don’t get up when I am trying to get down? What is z solution wendeme::  Dawit, Dallas Texas

BC:  Dawit, this one is simple.  Habesha Viagra goes as follows: 1)  Tire Tsega B) Kitfo C) Dirkosh.  Now stop being lame, salute her when you are about to get down with her.  But if worse comes to worse, just lick her clitoris and drink her atmit jegna

Q: “Are we really all just dead people who haven’t died yet?” “Who is she and why is that she says that a lot?” –V, DuPont Circle, DC

BC: What z lebdeh V wendem.  What is zis eko, Jeopardy and shit. Nigga I have no idea who said that shit.  I will take a gander and guess my Gondere wendem.  I will say Ann Frank, she wrote that shit while she was in z attic in Germany before the damn Nazis found her and assassinated her kind soul.  Other than that guess, I have no idea.  But here is an idea, friend me again on Facebook, I promise I will not tag you no mo eko:: Now, what’s up with the buna in DuPont Circle, let’s admire the DOPE lesbians and ignore the gay fellas holding hands.  Cool? Holla at Teddisho::

Q:  Teddisho, question, what is your position on dudes that hold hands in Bole?? Personally, I think that shit is meto gena gay:: What the lebdeh, why hold hands with dudes.  Seriouly, what is zis, Broke Back Bole:  Wey gud Habesha, stop doing that gay shit eko:: Hold hands with women always, gen wondoch, don’t hold other men’s hands?  What do you say Jegna?? –Samson, Atlanta, GA

BC:  Now this one is a DOPE question.  I agree with you though Samson.  I personally find that shit, hold handing with other guys, disgusting and gross:: Degmo, why hold hands with guys when you could at the very least just shake hands and call it a day?  Alas, I think this is a cultural rift, I did not grow up in Bole, lived there for only 7 years.  So I think what I perceive as being gay is perfectly normal back home.  I think dudes hold hands in Bole as a sign of friendship the same way guys poke me on Facebook to say hello and ask me to be their friends.  But whatever, here is what you will never see, Teddisho holding hands with a dude.  Anyway, no hating on gays in DC or Bole, you are humans just like me.  Just cause you like Emse or Dick doesn’t mean you are a lesser person. Shit have at it.  In fact, I <3 <3 <3 lesbians, actually, do me a favor my rug munchers, send me a pic of you munching rugs at teddy.fikre@browncondor.com :)

Q:  What is your favorite sexual position Teddisho?  Mine is missionary, how about you mozaza::  -Anonymous, Asmara, Eritrea

BC:  Hmmmm, this one is betam easy.  My favorite position is as follows:  A) Doggy style 2)  Woman on top 3)  a woman in any position.  Now here is a DOPE proposition! Inbox me your number and your address and let me address this propostion in person.  Missionary or Doggy, I bet you meto gena I will make you cum and prey to Teddisho (ante asshole, what z hell did I tell you about flirting with your readers! Stop that shit negro, you are losing betam credibility eko:: :/

Q:  Who are the best promoters in DC and where do they have their parties bilicho::  -Hana, Seattle, WA

BC:  This is simple, my favorite are as follows:  1)  Yodit and Nate from Talk of DC 2)  Meron Alemayu and Neb Photo 3)  Malik, Desta, Tef, Solo and Dawit from DC Habesha, and of course Teddisho Fikre from Brown Condor::

Q:  When was the last time you went to Ethiopia?  Nigga how can you claim to be Ethiopian and speak for Ethiopians if you have not been back in Ethiopia for more than 30 years?  Nigga you are a fake ass Ethiopian, you are about as authentic as my fake diamond ring on my fingers!  -Nitro Ethiopians, London, England

BC:  Fuck, you again nigga! I thought I got rid of you last time, must you always be a trolling ass muffaka!  Fine, you are right, I have not been to Ethiopia in 30 years plus, but I have never been to Alaska yet I know there is ice there.  I have not been to Iowa since 2008, but I am meto gena certain that they still have corn there.  At the end of the day, just remember, it’s not where you are at it’s where you are from.  As in, nigga I am meto gena Ethiopian—more than your fake ass Nitro can understand—because I was born, raised, and made in Bole.  Anyway nigga, go back to your lotion and right hand eko:: Time for you to early ejaculate again aydel?

Q:  Teddisho, what is the weirdest thing that you ate Injera with?  -Titi, Miami, FLA

BC:  Now this is a DOPE question.  I have eaten Injera with almost everything.  With eggs, with pasta, with kitfo, with doro.  Damn seriously, I think I once ate Injera on a woman’s breast.  Anyway, that is another story.  Let’s just say that was the best gursha ever, I am having memories of her mammories at this exact moment.  I <3 <3 <3 Habesha Mamories! 

Q:  Teddisho, question.  Seriously, when you take z number 2, do you wipe your Qit sitting down or standing up?  -Anonymous, Melbourne, Australia

BC:  What the lebdeh! Seriously dude, why the hell you asking about my Qit degmo! Seriously dude, I don’t want to know about your asinine Qit, I don’t care how you wipe it or how you wash your ass mozaza Qitam! Uggg, now I am disgusted by Atmit and Qitamoch Habeshoch!

Q:  Who are your favorite Ethiopian and Eritrean singers?  -Megdi, Alexandria, VA

BC:  This is more like it! Let’s see.  Kuku Sebsebe, Helen Meles, Teddy Afro, Mahmoud Ahmed, Tilahun and Muluken Melese in no particular order:: They are always on live on BC Radio at www.browncondor.com  ß Shameless plug always ;)

[of course Miss Zewdi, click to see her into the night]
Q:  How old were you when you lost your virginity Teddisho?  -Sara, Brandywine, MD

BC:  What do you mean ehete?? I am still a virgin eko.  Gen, I’m trying to lose it, let’s you and I talk mozaza and let me lose my virginity in your thighs and breast hode:: (fuck what did I tell you about flirting with your readers mozaza!)

Q:  My boyfriend, I think he is in z closet.  Whenever we have sex, he rubs his own Qit and he wants me to stick my finger in his stink hole.  Seriously Teddisho, what should I do.  Do you think he is gay wendem??  -Anonymous, St. Louis, KS

BC:  Getting close

Q:  My mom wants me to get a real job, stop playing Nintendo, and wants me to put away my lotion and porn.  What should I do Brown Condor?  -Nitro Ethiopians, London, England

BC:  Getting even closer

Q:  I am at Starbucks and I saw this woman wearing Brown Condor thongs, it looked betam sexy but I wanted to ask her if she got your thongs from Teddisho.  What should I do Brown Condor?  -Debra, Washington, DC

BC:  Yuppers, these are my readers!

If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers.  As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions.  I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::

If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”.  Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind.   Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret.  OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha  Mailbag 4.0. Degmo, Nitro Ethiopians, put down the lotion and log off z intertubes ahun before I give you a kurkuma, beka enough porn for you for the day.   Anyway, Esger Estelene sewoch!

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Teddy Fikre

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