Welcome to the Inaugural Habesha Mailbag

I am launching the Habesha Mailbag with the help of a few friends who lent me their time and creativity to come up with some questions, enjoy the gursha sewoch.

by Teddy Fikre  written:  Friday, January 27th, 2012

Well the moment has come for the launching of the inaugural Habesha Mailbag.  Yes, I have changed with the time, I still don’t like the word Habesha, I prefer to be called Ethiopian.  However, the word is not going anywhere, and if it serves as a bridge for Ethiopians and Eritreans to identify with a common name—well who am I to hold a grudge?  So going forward, I shall call this the Habesha Mailbag. 

So you ask, what is Habesha Mailbag. Well it was influenced by one of the writers I idolize by the name of Bill Simmons. On a weekly basis, Bill would take questions and comments from his readers and then reply back with a wit and humor that would make me literally make me laugh my Qit off as I was reading the article.  Grant it, trying to emulate Bill Simmons is a tall order—after all, Bill was a writer for multiple late night comedy shows.  But hey, I am if nothing audacious. 

So I started reaching out to Brown Condor readers and asked them to submit their questions and comments to me via email.  Ideally, I wanted 10 questions for the inaugural Habesha Mailbag, to my surprise I received over 45 emails.  So I picked out the 10 best from the submissions and below is the back and forth between the readers and my responses.  I hope you enjoy, if this is successful, I plan on making this a weekly feature every Friday.  Make sure you submit your questions in the future; when you do, avoid having a one line question.  Make the question or comment juicy, apply a bit of your personality to it so that the readers can get a sense of who you are as a reader and an Ethiopian/Eritrean out in the Diaspora.

Before getting on to the questions and answers, let me do one thing.  Bill is a sports journalist; as such he would always focus on sports first and foremost.  I will not necessarily follow this model, but in his honor, let me make one comment about sports.  You do know they call the giants little blue right, as in Viagra pills, most of their fans are kind of lame.  I say that as a precursor to my Super Bowl prediction, which is that the Patriots will beat the wholly crap out of the little blue giants.  My prediction:  Patriots 38 Giants 10.  Oh, and if you want to talk trash, just remember that my Redskins beat the shit out of the little blue giants twice this year.  OK, on to the readers!

Q:  Hi, I’m a 27 year old Ethiopian living in Washington DC.  I have noticed that the selection of Ethiopian and Eritrean men is really weak in DC.  Most of them have no game and if they do, they like to think they are all players.  And what is it with them calling every Ethiopian girl nefse and hode?  I’m really tired of it to be honest, I’m thinking of dating white guys or Spanish guys.  What is your advice Brown Condor?  -Mimi, Silver Spring

BC:   First Mimi, I want to thank you for being the first reader to ever submit your question to Habesha Mailbag.  You will be getting your bottle of Atmit and bag of qwanta in the mail shortly eshi.  Second, as far as you  being frustrated, I have 3 words for you:  Hi, I’m Teddy!  You have my email, let’s discuss your plight over wine.  Now as far as you dating white guys or Spanish guys, just be ready, because I have a feeling most of them have a lot in common with little giants fans (refer above).  What I find interesting though is that you did not think of dating black guys?  Maybe it is true what black guys always gripe to me about, that Ethiopian women don’t like to be with black guys.  I will have to do some more research about this.  But for the time being, leave the black guys, Spanish guys, and white guys alone eshi ehete, we will talk your issue over wine tonight at Portico eshi yene big forheadiye.

Q:  TOP favorite books (3) –Ellal, Philadelphia

BC:  Now this is a classic example of what a question should not look like.  Ellal wendem, you see how Mimi’s question was detailed and she lets the reader get an insight into her life and her situation.  O_o…you are not part of the Ethiopian dudes that Mimi is talking about are you?  Are you the reason that Mimitu is about to date Ricky Ricardo?? MTS! Wuy gud!  You and I will have a sit down later.  But to answer your question, my three favorite books are, in no particular order:  1) Malcolm X  2)  Invisible Man and 3)  Assata.  However, it is really hard to narrow it down to just those three.  I mean I could list another 50 easy.  Mostly I love reading about African-American history, especially dealing with struggles for freedom and liberation.  However, I have been reading a lot more Ethiopian books lately.  I’m currently reading the History of Haile Selassie at this moment along with Assata for the third time.

Q:  Can all the DMV promoters make one big habesha event instead of separate parties for a weekend so every habesha can come to one location that would be dope? -Anonymous, Philadelphia

BC:  Escuse me, I just spit my coffee on my laptopiye at the thought of that happening.  Put it this way, do you think that Mitt Romney and Gingrich will hold hands with Obama and sing kumbaya?  This ain’t gonna happen captain!  I love all the DC promoters, and honestly speaking, I talked to the DC Habesha crew last night at Portico for a long time.  Promoting ain’t easy, and it’s a dog eat dog world.  I wish there was a place for Hebret in the scene, but it’s just too cut throat to think that all the DC promoters will sacrifice one night to have a party together.  Each night is a potential to lose your clientele for good and there is no incentive.  Besides, I blame us—the clients—we don’t care about Hebret so why should we expect the promoters to care about Hebret.  Na’mean?!  All we care about is how sexy the girls look and how strong the Yohannes Aramaji is.  So no bro ham, this ain’t happening, better play the lotto instead—and if you win, I want 10% eshi anonymous.

Q:  Two friends of mine were having a heated debate about why Habeshas look the way we do…one argued its simply bc we’re “blessed” however the other side argued its bc of migration and added historical facts to back up his argument.  Why do some Habeshas look Indian or Asian….why do some have soft curly/wavy hair while others have kinky/coarse…and although we all look different we still look Habesha…What’s your take on this? –Megdi, VA

BC:  To be honest, I am not sure why we have such big foreheads and big eyes.  Here is my DOPE theory, our ancestors used to play futbol (soccer) before soccer was invented in the West, and we used to be the best testa (header) takers.  So over centuries, we developed big foreheads in order to protect our chinkila and in order to score more goals.  As for the big eyes, I think it is because we used to play soccer at night time, thus our eyes got really big so that we would be able to see the ball and stop running into the goal posts (two shirts always 5 feet apart).  I’m still doing some field research on this issue to make sure I have it right, but I am meto gena certain that my DOPE theory is correct.  Oh right, forgot you said why we look Asian?  Now on that one  I don’t know, I spent too much time focused on  the big forehead and eyes theory and have not done field research yet on why we look Indian.  I gather it is because we were part Cush, and India a long time ago used to be part of Africa.  Thus, a lot of Ethiopians, Eritreans, Sudanese, Somali and Djebouti people have certain similar traits.  Now what I really want to know is how the heck did the women in America get such big booties!! Good gawd!  I am looking for some research assistants to figure this one out Megdi, would you be interested in volunteering for this DOPE study.  Don’t worry, you will be in good hands sis, besides you are doing this for Ethiopia not me eko:: Eshi, we will discuss over wine the day after I am done consoling Mimiye eshi. 

Q:  What makes someone a HABESHA?!!! – Asia, Jobe

BC: Sigh! You have been talking to Ellal aydel Asia?  See this sewoch, this is another example of how the emails should not look like in the future eshi::  Asia, ehete, next time, please put some life into the questions.  You know, like Mimi and Megdi did.  But to answer your question, hmmmm, lets see.  We are always 3 hours late, we eat too much tire tsega, we never drink Gingerale and Coke unless it came directly from the can or bottle (we don’t do the soda dispenser EVER!).  We also swear that Baklava was invented by Ethiopians, all our fathers and uncles drive Taxis, we eat dirkosh and Injera by itself.  We like to do eskista competition as if we were extras in Michael Jackson “Beat It” video.  Our women swear they are 25 when they are 35+, the guys swear they aer 5’11.5” when they are really 5’7”.  Oh man, I can keep this going forever, see what happens when you give me an open ended question.  Next time Asia, give me a longer comment question, eshi Asia, stop being such a Habesha eko::

Q:  Why are folks waiting on a government handout?  Don’t they know we hold the power to change our country’s fortune and future? –Alicia, VA

BC:  Dude, New Gingrich, why the hell are you emailing the Habesha Mailbag pretending to be Ethiopian or whatever nigga?  First off, you had your ass handed to you yesterday by Mittens, second, your wife looks like scary ass inflatable doll except it is her that has to blow you in order to inflate your ego, and third you look like my left scrotum.  As far as your question “Alicia” Gingrich, folks are not waiting for handout.  It is easy for people like you and me with jobs, education, and stable parents to not look for “handouts”, but for those who were not privy to parents, an education system, and grew up in crime ridden areas, the least we can do is give them a hand up.  Besides, if memory serves me correctly, the US government owes African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule”, so fuck the food stamp, they need to give all African-Americans “Forty Acres and a Mule” adjusted for inflation.  And no Habeshoch, we will not be entiteled to this….oohhhhh…now you want to claim you are black all the sudden aydel.  Nope nope, this shall be reservd for African-Americans only who can claim ancestors back to slavery.  Which means that I need to go to Bmore tonight and marry me a hood chic, I am pretty sure I can get one, I’ll just offer her a black and mild and a dinner at a sea food joint.  What, you are offended Gingrich?? You are the same one that said that Palestinians were an “invented” people.  OK I’m done with you Newtiye, on to the next question. 

Q:  What do you think about interracial relationships??  Especially habesha ppl dating non-habesha ones? –Habeshafro, Los Angeles

BC:  I highly discourage it unless you try dating me first.  Hi, I’m Teddy, you have my email addy.  Here is where I am hoping Habeshafro is a girl and not a guy.  Stay tuned, if I get an email with subject header “Hi Boo Boo” from Habeshafro, I know I would have just encountered a big #FAIL

Q:  Why do habesha women try to act like they are goodie girls and say things like? Ye Bet lij Negn (I dont leave the house) and Pente Negn (I am Religious) I think they say this to cover up their dark side so no one will say anything bad about them.  But these chicks are the craziest, and you see them at all the parties, and every restaurant. This is real talk!  -Anonymous, somewhere in PA

BC:  Actually this guy wanted me to use his name, but he is a young guy with a bright future, I did not want him attacked by 15 Habesha women and get his eye balls scratched out by their finger nails. So I chose to keep him anonymous.  Now as far as your question El—I mean anonymous.  My first instinct was to say it is because they are nothing but teases who love and live to give Habesha men worldwide one big collective blue balls.  But the truth of it is that we—us Ethiopian and Eritrean men—are assholes.  We get mad at our women for not giving it up, but the second we do, we go out and spread shit about them, calling them sluts and whores.  It’s really fucked up  if you think about it, I have seen countless women get destroyed because some dude went out and told his boys that she was a slut and she gave it up—and most of the time that nigga is lying.  So I don’t blame them for saying the things they do, we are to blame.  Ummm…ladies, just so you know, I—Teddiye—never kiss and tell and even if you are a big old freak, that will be our little secret eshi nefse::

Q:  What is up with the shitty service that Ethiopian restaurants give?  Why is it that I always have to beg for more Injera all the time?  I went to a restaurant one time by myself and I ordered a doro wot.  Now mind you, I went to the same restaurant on a date the day before and ordered the same thing and the doro wot came out with only two pieces of doro in it.  For sure I was pissed, but did not say anything and me and my date found ourselves rationing the doro.  The next day, I ordered the same thing and this time the plate came out, and it only had one piece of doro! I asked the waitress why I only had one doro and she said it was because there was only one person eating.  I asked her if the price was the same and she shook her head yes.  Really, you charge me the same effin price yet I get one less one chicken??  What should I do next time Brown Condor?  Why do they act like this?  -Teddiye, Alexandria

BC:  Wow Teddiye, you sound like an articulate, smart, good looking, and amazing guy all around.  I think that Mimi and Megdi should jump all over you bro, I see I have some competition on my hands.  Now as far as your question, I have observed this myself. I think it is because most Ethiopian restaurants—with the exception of the ones I frequent—suck balls when it comes to customer service. I am not even sure if customer service exists in our dictionary, and if it does I am sure the owners think that they are the customers and we are their waiters.  But at the end of the day, if we accept shitty service and continue to patronize restaurants who treat us with Clasless service, we are to blame.  So, next time you get 1 piece of Injera for four people and you sit there and decide to divide the Injera one gursha at a time and refuse to speak up, well then, don’t come over here and submit questions to me complaining after z fact.  Gebah wendem::

Q:  How come Ethiopian men don’t believe in oral sex?  I mean they eat gursha all day but yet when it comes to having a real gursha, they refuse to go down south! What is up with that Brown Condor?  -Anonymous, Arlington

BC:  Besma’am! Anche  balege!! Wuy gud.  Ummmmm..mejemera, do you practice what you preach? I mean, do you also take gursha as you give gursha?  Secondly, you know what, I can’t go on with this topic, I will utterly ruin my credibility if I do.  We will discuss this off line sis, ummm, after consoling Mimi today, then discussing business with Megi tomorrow, how is your calendar looking for Sunday anonymous.  Let’s talk eshi ;)

Q:  I approached an Eritrean girl once and I asked her if she was Ethiopian.  She smacked me in my chinkila and kicked me in my balls! What did I do wrong Brown Condor!  -Thomas, Chicago

BC:  Getting close

Q:  If you drink atmit while you are wearing a Gabi on your couch and you are a 40+ year old man, does this mean secretly you want to move to Atlanta and you want to compliment women on their shoes and call them boo boo?  -Hiwot, London

BC:  Getting even closer

Q:  I hear that in Addis, they think Gchat is something that hard core Ethiopian gangstas chew to get high, is this true Brown Condor?  – Becca, Addis

BC:  Yep, these are my readers!

Well this concludes the first ever inaugural Habesha Mailbag.  Hopefully you enjoyed it.  If you did, and depending on the reception and the amount of questions I receive for next week, I will do another Habesha Mailbag next week.  If you liked this article, please post it on your wall and encourage others to send in questions. The Habesha Mailbag’s most vital component is the questions provided by the readers.  As you see, my responses are better the longer and detailed the questions.  I mean, don’t go writing a book, just make sure it is approximately a paragraph and it gives a good insight into the situation, and if you want, make sure you apply some humor to it eshi::

If you want to submit questions going forward, please send them to info@browncondor.com with subject header “Habesha Mailbag”.  Do me a favor, tweet about this on twitter right now, tweet the link to this article and use #HabeshaMailbag and encourage others to read this joint. Who knows, maybe one day #HabeshaMailbag could be a trending topic—yeah I know I have an audacious mind.   Also, make sure you post this on your Facebook wall—all about the Hebret.  OK, time for a break, hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend, catch you next week on Habesha  Mailbag 2.0.  Esger Estelene sewoch!

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[catch me tonight at Portico on 9th & U NW, hang out w/ Brown Condor, click to see website]

[Tomorrow @ Teatro with my homie Meron Meron Alemayehu, you know who she is, click pic or follow her @iammeron]

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Teddy Fikre

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