My care is not based on what they can give me in the relationship but on the simple fact that I do not want them to hurt anymore.

by Liya Endale.  Posted: Thursday, July 23, 2010


Perhaps it is due to the recent global events surrounding the world economy that have finally shaken the United States from its slumber. Maybe it is just a freak coincidence. Regardless of the reason, I have noted a marked increase in the number of close friends of mine who are dealing with depression. I’ve come to realize that having a friend in medical school and another in Afghanistan’s front lines becomes quite the distressing situation. Further, one of my best friends recently had a string of unrelated deaths in her family which have affected her in the worst way. Another close friend of mine has had his house in the process of foreclosure for quite some time and the act of waiting for the day they come to take his house has been maddening for him. I’ve grown accustomed to the melancholy phone calls during which I say very little but hear a lot, leaving me with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because of the sheer fact that there is nothing I can do to help these people I care about so deeply. Having dealt with depression myself, I recognize something in the voices of my friends; a simple truth self-evident from my perspective. Suicide. Suicide is a reality all too real for many of us, regardless our culture or nationality. They do not have to tell me that the thought has crossed their minds in some fashion. “What’s the point?” “I’d be less of a burden on my loved ones if I were not here.” “Maybe it would be better if I got hit on the battlefield today.”

Just this week, my community held a memorial service for one of its members. He was my high-school best friend’s boyfriend and the father of her three children; three girls who, as of this week, no longer have a father. The reality of suicide was presented to me unadulterated and in its raw form. I have spent the last two years of my life knowing that at any time I could get a phone call about any one of these friends of mine. I hope for the best and expect the worst. In a time when depression is more rampant in this country than it may have been in decades (and this is pure speculation on my part), I have heard many conversations from loved ones of suicide victims and others who just have an opinion to share. There seems to be an entire community of people who scorn individuals who attempt suicide, whether they are successful or not. I hear the word ‘selfish’ a lot. Perhaps this is my mental health practitioner side or just my human/compassionate side, but these comments truly do make me cringe.

A lot of people do not understand that depression is like a disease which affects the mind, bodies and, finally, our souls. People who are depressed really do need effective help immediately. Unfortunately, those in the communities to which I belong either do not seek help or do not have access to adequate help. Therefore, they are left completely alone to contend with their demons, a task which can become so arduous that they consider ending their life just to escape the torturous turmoil. Depression feels like a massive storm inside of you; like pounding rain and hail so relentless it becomes impossible to even catch your breath. Depression is blinding pain in your inner most soul that eats away at your fiber from the inside. When people say, “Why did he/she think of us and our pain for losing him/her?” or “How could they be so selfish and think only of themselves?” I get sick inside. We are so quick to blame victims of depression who attempt suicide, calling them selfish. What we are really saying is, “I want them to live in pain and suffering just so I’ll be comfortable.” Are WE then not the selfish ones? Why are we so quick to dismiss the reality of someone’s inner pain when we can’t see of comprehend it? How many times have we brushed off those individuals in our lives who were reaching out? I know that my community member who committed suicide did reach out to a year ago. I knew he was going through something when I saw him at a local poetry club. He approached me and we caught up on each others’ lives. Then he began to share some of his personal struggles with me and I got the sense that he was searching for salvation from his pain. He was seeking answers that I knew I did not have. We exchanged phone numbers and when he called me the next day, I never called him back. I still don’t know the specifics of his struggle or if there was anything I could have done to help him. But I do know that regardless of whether I could help or not, I brushed him off because I didn’t want to get caught up in the type of “I heard you been talking to my man” drama that caddy girls like to engage in. I like to keep a drama free life, but at what cost? That is a question I will have to mull over on my own.

People who are depressed feel isolated and lonely. Occasionally, just a listening ear is enough to help our loved ones suffering with depression make it through the cloudy days. So, for now, that is how I will do my part. I will listen and know that my friends are not expecting me to solve their problems, because we both know I can not. However, I will remind them that I do care for them in the most genuine way; in the way that is not conditional. My care is not based on what they can give me in the relationship but on the simple fact that I do not want them to hurt anymore.

I really hope that neither you or any of those around you are suffering from depression. However, I know the reality is that you or someone around you probably  is. I’m not saying to go out and try to solve all of their problems. From experience, however, I can say that I wish I would have called my friend back last year. And if YOU are dealing with depression, there are people who actually CAN help you and in affordable ways. Seek help from your community counselors whether through your place of worship, through your school or even the community counselors in your area. You feel like you are completely alone, but it doesn’t have to be that way.