How is any sort of dating situation resolved between one that has been born and largely raised back home and another person who was born or raised here.

by Meeraf Tadesse.  Posted:  Wednesday, July 21, 2010

So, I know you have seen the many articles featured on various websites, touting that there are particular ways and methods to capture the heart of that special someone you have had your eye on for quite some time. That amazing person has passed you by while at work or possibly he/she is already a friend of yours, and you still have not gotten the courage to let them know just how you feel. But, that’s alright because somewhere there is some advice that a good friend of yours has to give you. Or there is a great book in your local library that will get you over that hump, if you just make the effort to get the information, right? Well, maybe.

In my particular case, I am a young woman, born and raised in the United States, of Ethiopian and Eritrean descent. Though I am very knowledgeable and aware of my culture and ethnic background, to some I may not be Habesha enough. I understand Amharic but do not speak it much or very well. Ironically, though it was my first language (my grandmother came to the US to help raise me during my early years and that was how I learned), I somehow latched onto English and literally forgot how to speak it, once I entered school. When I did attempt to begin speaking it again, I was made fun of or laughed at and I promised that I would never undergo that type of humiliation ever again. So, here I am, a non-Amharic speaking Habesha, who has grown up not knowing how to make Ethiopian food or even iskista. Right about now, I could hear the “mts” sound some are making as they suck their teeth and shake their heads at me.

But, these are the hurdles I would have to overcome in dating a Habesha man. After all, how many would want to date a girl who can’t cook from back home? Well, I can’t cook doro wat, kitfo, with a side of dulet. However, I can whip up a mean plate of spaghetti or arrosto. As I say this, I am praying that some Habesha man out there will have a kind and forgiving heart for some other girl out there, who is just like me, suffering from the same unfortunate circumstance. Yet, it seems like such a huge obstacle to overcome. And honestly, I would not blame a man that could not get over such a huge issue.

Despite that, my question now turns into, “How is any sort of dating situation resolved between one that has been born and largely raised back home and another person, who has been raised within a Western culture?” This is an issue I have grappled for many years. I have pondered issues such as this; often with no straight and solid answers. A few days ago, I spoke with my cousin—who was born and raised in Ethiopia—and he told me that he does not believe that such a relationship would be able to work. He also stated that it is his preference that I not date such a person. When I inquired further, he did not elaborate. I was left searching for the ultimate meaning of his “warning”.

I wonder, am I rendered an untouchable because I have been in America too long? Am I to wander the earth as an outsider among my own people and community? It saddens me to think of such a possibility; as I have grown older, I have come to appreciate the unique bond that one has with another person based on commonalities such as language and culture. Being Habesha is a great part of who and what I am. What other man is going to understand why you bend down to kiss the knees of your elders while greeting them? What man will comprehend why it is customary to continually refuse offerings of food when you are a guest at someone else’s house until they push you to accept? What other person will get these things and all of the many other idiosyncrasies about my culture? I cannot believe that there are many.

So then, if we can agree on that, how do we work out the differences between a native Habesha and those who have been raised abroad within a dating situation? Are there rules to this? Is there some unknown handbook—a sort of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy of Inter-Habesha Dating? If so, it just may be the modern version of the Holy Grail. I simply do not hold the answers, but maybe you do? I feel like someone who is cheating on a test, but maybe someone else has figured out what I have yet to figure out. Just slip me the answers—I promise I won’t tell anyone. P.S. Amesegenalew :)