Emotions cause me to think beyond a surface-level acceptance of half-truths given to us through our textbooks and the images we are fed through the media.

by Liya Endale.  Published:  Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Author: Liya Endale

I think. Therefore, I am? I can’t help but wonder how many others are made of the same substance as I. It is true that I am a thinker, but first and foremost, I am a feeler. My thoughts are fueled only by the incessant nagging of my emotions stirring up all the elements which comprise my being. What do I mean? “I feel. Therefore, I am.” René Descartes raised a compelling argument when he coined this phrase in the 1700’s, but for me there is a phenomenon which precedes my thinking. That is my feeling.

Lately, I have been enmeshed in the unmasked conditioning process which accompanies all Graduate Schools which practice a ‘cohort’ model. You and your classmates share the same schedules, the same classes, same assignments, and even do your taxes together on occasion. This means that you also share the same high-stress, high-stake environment known as higher education. You have all paid a ridiculous amount of money to sit in your chair and now face a ridiculous amount of academic expectation, or else you don’t get your degree. Some thrive under this pressure while others crumble. The point, however, is that everyone experiences the same conditioning and situation differently. Why?

There are many reasons why this phenomenon can occur. First, no two human beings are exactly alike; even twins with the exact same DNA composition and nurturing environments. Next, there are some human phenomenon which actually do connect all humans; like emotions. Finally, there are some experiences which are only shared by people of the same subgroups as you. Namely, for me in North America, brown skin. My skin has always been a focal point of myself identity in this country. My experiences, because of others’ reactions to the color of my skin, have been shaped by my brownness. Some people hate their experiences as a Black person in the States because they make regular daily goals more challenging; getting your hair done as a Black female, finding a job, finding a public place to kick back and enjoy a beer when you’re passing through a non-major-city without being eyed suspiciously, driving cross-country without getting pulled over by the police for no real reason other than their suspicion, being taken seriously in a professional setting, etc…  These barriers standing in the way to equal access for brown folks are very real in this country. For some reason, I always knew I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else, even if I couldn’t name the reason. I’ve cried countless times in my life because of racism I’ve encountered. So why would I prefer to subject myself to this stress?

My answer came to me in my first semester of graduate school this year. Racism is a reality we live everyday but one that people in the majority does not have to experience. As the cultural dynamics of this country change, people of different backgrounds are beginning to occupy high-power positions so this reality of racism cannot be ignored forever. But guess who is going to be ready for this shift. You got it; those of us who have been affected by racism the most in this country. We are affected in the most emotional way but are constantly told by this world that we are over-reacting and not to get so affected. For me, it is these emotions which cause me to think beyond just a surface-level acceptance of the half-truths given to us through our textbooks and the images we are fed through the media. Imagine the millions of North Americans who do not experience these emotions. Could it be that they, then, do not experience the next step of feeling, which is deeper thinking? Sure, everyone thinks in the sense of René Descartes’ “I think. Therefore, I am.” But I am talking about deeper thinking about the systems in place in this country, who really controls these systems, what their intentions are, and who is suffering because of them. The truth is, we all suffer. You see, we are all capable of thinking at any level we wish to. However, the human mind is very susceptible to conditioning. This means that people will think very differently depending on their experiences and the information they receive from sources they trust. What the news and media portray as the Black experience is a lie in this country. The only people who will know this are folks who know a little something about the Black experience. Those of us who know the truth and recognize this lie feel what it’s like to feel.  We feel big and we feel hard. These feelings change the way they think and since this way of thinking attempts to counter what the majority of this nation has been led to believe is the truth, those who know and live the real truth are invalidated as individuals.  “I think. Therefore I am… as long as I think the same way as those who are in control.”

I, however, am a feeler first. It has been proven that there are human similarities which transcend culture, ethnicity, age, nationality and those similarities are raw human emotion. We are all feelers first. For this reason, I believe more in saying, “I feel. Therefore, I am.” I watched The Last Airbender twice this week. Both times, the words of an elder resonated with me. “It is in the heart where all wars are won.” Though I thank all of you for thinking with me as I have been writing for Brown Condor, I ask that, today, you just feel with me. For in feeling lies our true connection despite any difference we may have.